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"Why does the car salesman think I want to know his life story? Socialization might sell cars to suckers, but I'm immune."
"How come no amount of deodorant can offset the nervous sweat of sitting between two girls at a social gathering?"
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Conservative friend: I want to pirate a television station in order to broadcast announcements of my new regime. How do I go about doing that?
Me: That's out of my field of expertise.
Conservative friend: Fine, I'll ask a Communications major.
Me: Communications majors don't work with audio/visual equipment. That's way above their level of intelligence.
Conservative friend: Then what do Communications majors do?
Me: ...Waste their parents' money.
"I don't have pinkeye. I have redeye. I was angry last night. This is what comes of writing an email to a British literature professor to complain about the worthlessness of a novel at 2:00 A.M. on a Monday."
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"I have to remind myself that the shit in the urinal isn't funny to the guy who has to clean it."
"Scrambled egg whites, broccoli, red and green peppers, cantaloupe, salsa, guacamole, steak sauce, all in a soft tortilla: I have a new candidate for the strangest breakfast ever."
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Foreign student: If I'm sick during final exams, but I have a doctor's note, when do I make up the exams?
Me: That's something you would have to arrange with your professors. There's no established time for making up... Wait a minute, you plan to be sick during your final exams?
Senior Design Professor: Appendix 4 is missing from my copy of your report.
Me: There is no Appendix 4. Check the Table of Contents.
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Cable Guy: Did you say your last name was Wiseman? Do you have relatives in Rhode Island?
Me: No.
Cable Guy: Because I know a guy named Wiseman in Rhode Island, spelled the same way. He's a very nice guy. His whole family is very nice.
Me: That's great.
CNN Anchor: The president