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Grandma: So your sister and her boyfriend have been dating for over a year. Are you seeing anybody?
Me: It's really hard to find a girl with whom I can have an intelligent conversation. When I found one, she just wanted to be friends.
Grandma: I'm just glad to hear that you like girls.
Me: Thanks...wait, what's that supposed to mean?
"I'm not proud to say that I sprayed my pants while taking a sitting piss today. I really need to remember to push out my head on cold days. I don't know how uncircumcised people don't end up making a mess every time they go number one."
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Mom: Just because a job offer says it's full time and only for college graduates, doesn't mean you can't negotiate it into a summer job. Why are you grinning?
Me: What grin?
Mom: You're grinning as if I were talking bullshit.
Me: That's ridiculous; I know for a fact that you're talking bullshit.
Mom: Either you get a summer job, or you're out of the house.
"U2's lyrics have been degrading steadily over the past two decades. "Vertigo" is a pure pop song that appeals to the worst in human nature. It's so bad that my little brother likes it, and he only likes the Beatles."
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"The season premiere of 24 involved Muslim terrorists kidnapping a brave Secretary of Defense, and for two hours I wasn't sure if I was watching Fox or Fox News."
"My dad, the kind yet clumsy doctor, cuts his finger while trying to cut a potato, and I have to drive him to his office (in a risky blizzard) so he can treat himself. In his office, I noticed that he has three pictures of my little sister, three pictures of my little brother, and one crappy-ass picture of me. I guess I should be proud of the fact that I'm now the one they worry about the least."
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"Let's see, the dorm is locked, and there's nobody here except for the guy who's in charge. Sure, I have the key, but why do I get the feeling that I'm not supposed to be here? I'd better be really quiet."
"Okay, so the dining hall is closed. I can live without it for a few days while still maintaining my diet. I had old bananas wrapped in lettuce, and a few boxes of raisins, for lunch. For dinner, I was out of bananas, lettuce, and raisins, so I poured a quarter bag of Fiber One into my mouth, and had four low-fat graham crackers. I'm fine, really, and I think I just lost five pounds in under two days."
I'm going to say this every other post, just so you don't miss it.
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"A group of ultimate fighters competing for a contract, this had the potential of being a respectable reality show, until they decided to put them all in the same house, provide them with booze, and wake them up at 5:00 A.M. for six hours of intense exercise with hangovers. Gee, I didn't see that one coming."
Drunk freshman girl: Hey, how are you doing?
Me: Not so good, your party (across the hall) is depressing me. Your drunken laughter is bringing me down.
Drunk freshman girl: Laughter is the key to life.
Me: I think it's low cholesterol.
Drunk freshman girl: *Stares at me for second, then falls on the floor and starts laughing*
Drunk freshman girl: *Walks into my room* This printer is nice. I've never been in your room before.
Me: Yes you have, you're just too drunk to remember.