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"I thought 'Wham bam thank you ma'am' was too politically incorrect to use nowadays...especially in reference to the length of an Easter Mass."
"A 27 page design report leaves my eyes completely red from looking at the computer screen all weekend, and that's with eyedrops and sunglasses. Oh, it's a battle scar."
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I was sitting at a table with some girls, and they suddenly start talking about their sex life:
"Don't let them see you blush. Keep your eyes on the bowl of cantaloupe, always on the cantaloupe."
Message to a girl I knew in junior high:
"I just wanted to say that when you defended me at that dance and said I was cool, well, you were wrong. I wasn't cool then, and I'm not cool now, but you're cool for sticking up for me."
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"Laxatives always seem like a good idea at the time."
"I've never written a letter to a department head suggesting that a professor should be denied his tenure. Actually, I don't think any student in my class has written one. So, how do I start one of these?"
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"Yeah right, let's split the senior design team up and hand in separate project reports. While we're at it, let's drop out of engineering school and become philosophy majors."
Why I didn't say in my telephone interview:
"Why do I want to be a teacher? I'm a dark tormented soul...and I relate to children."
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"Just once, I want to hear the pregame commentator say: "Both of these football teams suck. This game will come down to who can punt the farthest." I guess I'll have to wait for next season."
"Most presidents have to take time to write their State of the Union speeches, but George W. Bush can borrow from The Tick, and nobody will notice any difference."