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Me: We're trying to improve the labeling system for this machine that labels Vaseline. I guess it's not that important.
Female friend: It's important to my dad and my little brother. They use Vaseline all the time to prevent burns in gymnastics.
Me: Yeah...gymnastics.
"Are you sure you're not just using Chinese New Year as an excuse to get drunk?"
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My dinner with friends:
The girl I admire starts eating a banana, looks at me, blushes, and begins to giggle.
Me: What's so funny?
Girl: Nothing.
Boy I'm Sitting With: *Looking at the girl eating the banana* I can't cut this damn steak!
Me: Uh, you're using the wrong side of the knife.
Boy I'm Sitting With: *Flips his knife down* Yeah, I knew that.
Conservative Friend: ...And that's why Wal-Mart is ruining America.
Me: Are you sure you're not a liberal?
A month later...
Me: ...And that's why we need to strengthen our borders and stop illegal immigrants from coming into our country.
Conservative Friend: Are you sure you're not a conservative?
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Me: The comedian was gay, so he had this whole Judy Garland obsession.
Conservative Friend: Who's Judy Garland?
Me: She played Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.
Conservative Friend: That's not gay; she was hot. I wouldn't have minded taking her down the yellow brick road.
Female friend: What's the difference between porn and sex?
Me: I have porn, but I don't have sex.
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"Roger Ebert has reviewed thousands of movies over his career. Three of those were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, so he really ought to know that Rembrandt was not one of the Ninja Turtles."
"One of the kids I tutor put a 'Kick me please' sign on my back. I told her that she needed a comma after the 'Kick me.'"
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Girl: Please, we want you to stay for the night. You can sleep on the couch.
Me: I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I'd be too afraid that you'd ejaculate on my face. So, I'm sleeping at home tonight.
"Handing out autographed poetry to fan girls after a reading, a legion of groupies, it feels so right."