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It is 12:17AM in Ireland, and I have just finished crying myself hoarse. I want to apologize to everyone I've kept waiting, and I want to apologize to everyone I couldn't be with.
This month has been a terrible experience for me, because it's the Leaving Certificate Examinations month. A month of state exams for sixth year students all over Ireland. Anyone who hasn't heard of the LCEs, it is a part of what in my opinion is the most FUCKED up educational system in the world. Everything you do in school from year one to six does not affect your grade (not counting studying, that'll definitely affect your grades)- I mean- every test, every homework, the Christmas exams, the Mock Exams (a taste of the LCE tests), every damn hour in that school- DOES NOT decide whether you go to college or not. Everything is decided by the Leaving Certificate Examinations you take on June.
The LCEs are comprised of 35 subjects (8 of which I am taking), from June 9 to 25, you take a exam a day (except on weekends), depending on which subjects you're doing (I did mine on 9, 10, 11, 14, 15, 16, 17 and 23, so I finished my exams last Wednesday).
For each subject, you get "points" depending on the grade you get. For Higher level, an A1 gets yous 100 points, and a D3 gets you about 45 (A1 being the highest grade you can get, D3 being the lowest passing grade). In Ordinary, an A1 can get you 60 points, and a D3 gets you a measly 5 points. In Foundation level, the lowest level you can take for a subject, an A1 gets you just 20 points, and a D3 gets you a pass, but you get 0 points.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leaving_Certificate
The total points you rack up from your entire Leaving Certificate Examinations results determines whether you're legible to enter college or not, depending on which course you want. For example, if I want a course in Psychology, I'll need to have raked up 320 points from my exams at the very least, while a course in say... I dunno, IT, may only be 150 points, but it requires you to do a higher maths exam, and I'm terrible at math. I'm doing two foundation level exams; Math paper I, and Math paper II. I'm doing three higher level exams; English paper I, English paper II and History. The rest are ordinary level. I need to make 320 points for Psychology... but they require ordinary maths, so that's not doing it for me. I can also go for journalism, which, the last time I checked, was a whopping 450 points (the maximum points you can earn in the LCEs is 600), and being realistic, I knew I couldn't get that much (the highest points that were achieved in my school averaged 360). Now I found one with... "affordable" marks, but the college is really expensive, and my mom is urging me to do very well in my exams. I want to do very well in m exams.
So this year, I've been very stressed, working on projects and studying my ass off, while at the same time trying to be there for my friends (online), and being able to socialize (IRL. Not doing too well.)
My parents are always pressuring me to study, and it annoys me to no end because I am studying, they see me all the time- and I don't need the excess pressure. One of my online friends are also pressuring me into a relationship, but I really, really hate relationships, and I'm not ready for one yet. It doesn't help that my internet is the devil. It does everything to make my life hell, like for some reason, doesn't allow me to see some of the people on my YM friends list, and always, ALWAYS disconnects me when it feels like it.
Now last Monday (June 21), I felt a small pain in my bum, and I also felt a tiny lump. I disregarded it for a little while, because I had something like that before and it stung a little but went away after like, two days. It's also a Filipino thing to have very strict anal hygiene; like we wash our butts with soap and water and then dry it with tissue, instead of just wiping with a tissue, so I was wondering if the soap I was using (Dove. It makes your booty real smooth~) was irritating me.
The small pain grew during the duration of the day, and it ended up being too much of a distraction to study for my final exam on the 23rd (Construction Studies), so I picked up my PSP and played a new game I had just gotten, and it distracted me from the pain. Eventually (my internet was faulty and I couldn't get online), I got tired (2AM) and tried to get some sleep, but the pain kept me tossing and turning, and I eventually went back to playing with my PSP to distract me from the pain (5:30ish AM). My dad scolded me for letting the PSP take most of the time I could've used to study, and for not washing the dishes.
On Tuesday (22), I tried to wash the dishes, but the pain was now so uncomfortable that standing still and washing dishes was hard- and I ended up breaking a few glasses. I tried to study (after my dad scolded me for being a clutz), but again, no use. So I went back to my PSP. I played until 6AM, being day two of no sleep, and my dad and I had an argument about it. My PSP distracts me from the pain... and Panadol doesn't do anything for me.
Now it as the morning of Wednesday (23) and I had my exam on 2 O'clock. I was really stressed and I haven't slept in two days. But I went anyway, and to my horror, sitting down and taking the exam was excruciating. I didn't know anything on that paper! Well- everyone but me left five minutes after looking through the exams (gave up I suppose), but I sat for 45 minutes trying to get as many questions as I could. You see, the Leaving Certs had the sadistic tendency to give a very broad range of topics for certain exams, like Business, English, History, Art Appreciation and Construction Studies, and only a few of those topics will turn up- so the teacher has to hazard a guess as to what will turn up and try their best to teach us what they can. Bad luck this year- almost none of the things I studied turned up, and that added to my misery and stress.
I went home, crawled into my bed (I had been trying to sleep on the uncomfortable pull-out couch because my sister came from the Philippines and bullied me into letting her use my room. She's my little sister by the way, but she's mean to me and can overpower me.) and tossed and turned until I finally told my mom about it. She's a nurse, and I'm really embarrassed to let my family know I have... I researched it- external hemorrhoids- because my dad is an old fashioned Filipino and once told me he fixed his cousin's 'roids when he was younger with a soda bottle, and that his cousin cried like hell (his side of the family are REALLY tough people- but I took after my mother), and this... kinda put me off. But my mom is a sweet lady and a nurse, and she was very kind to me about it- but it WAS embarrassing to tell your mom that half your anus is swollen/infected.
My sister said I had caught an STD. But from what exactly? I found out she was just being a bully and scaring me.
My mom gave me some meds, and dressings for the thingy, and I put it on. I then played PSP and got into another argument with my dad about my "addiction to games" and "uselessness" to him. It hurt me because I was in pain, and I was exhausted, and I can't sit down properly, and I there was no way I could distract myself from the pain aside from the internet, talking to people, and games.
I was excited this week because it was my fursona, Prowler's birthday on the 25th. He turned 33. I wanted to go online and talk about it... but no dice. No internet, and I couldn't sit down or concentrate anyway.
-My dad then dragged me into a party I did not want to go to (but had no choice because no one bothered to cook today and I was starving). We walked there, and at this point, ANYTHING I DID CAUSED MY BUTT TO HURT LIKE HELL. Walking, sitting, moving my legs too much, farting, pooping, peeing- I didn't know so many activities made your sphincter clench- and it hurt! I endured it for the duration of the party, before I walked back home around 10pm.
I took the long way because there were teenagers blocking the way, and I was in no mood or condition to deal with them (I usually play along with their bullying by being a total pervert, and hence, totally cool with them), but I couldn't do that, I was limping, I was distracted, and I had to walk an extra 15 blocks.
Back home, I was tired as hell, but relieved that my exams were over. I was so out of energy that I slumped down into my bed after changing and I didn't move. It even hurt to just lie down. I was awake until 12PM the next day (Thursday, 24) when we had to go to yet ANOTHER PARTY. I went because I was hungry, but went home right away, pooped, screamed in pain, changed dressings, and lay there until around 12:30PM (Friday, 25. Prowl's birthday.) where I finally, thankfully, fell asleep from exhaustion. My dad woke me up at 1:30pm because we had to go to a trip to Wicklow, and I would normally be fine because Wicklow was a natural place, and I loved nature-
BUT FUCK DID MY ASS HURT. And he interrupted my sleep!!
Long story short, I walked there for hours, got bitten by swarms of tiny insects, starved, held back my anguish, was mocked (with pity) by everyone because my fucking dad decided to tell them I got hemorrhoids, and when I got home, I went to bed (8:48PM), tossed and turned until I fell asleep (10pmish) then woke up at 12:05 AM to learn that one of my best friends online had been dumped and had needed me, but I wasn't there- and that was the final straw. By now, this fucker was hurting when I pee, when I walk, when I cough, when I MOVE, when I sit, when I stand- just about everything I do make it twinge with a pain I can only describe as very sharp claws pinching my left anus until it broke the skin- every single time I did ANYTHING. And to make it worse, my sphincter just randomly SQUINCHES (I'm not sure that's even a word!) involuntarily every minute or so and it fucking HURTS!!
And my internet, as usual, is a FUCKER. I tried to talk to my friend because I wanted to be there for him and I felt like a piece of shit for not being there- and I also desperately needed to let out some steam- but I got DC'd over and over again, I got a meltdown, thrashed the laptop, my sphincter twinged as it contracted again to punish me and I ended up punching myself angrily in the jaw. It hurt.
12:17 was Ireland, and I had just finished crying myself hoarse. My jaw hurts, my throat's sore, I have a fever, my butt hurts so much, and I feel like such a selfish little pussy bitch for feeling so sorry for myself when far worse has happened to much nicer people who didn't deserve it.
My status is... very bad right now. I haven't smiled, I haven't laughed, or tried to be optimistic at all... I just selfishly wanna die, for a tiny thing like hemorrhoids. For embarrassment. For selfishness. For stress.
I've made it clear to some of my friends that I'm naturally very weak, I have a low resistance, and I have very, very low pain threshold. I can't even do my chores properly, or do exams... my parents don't deserve a piece of shit son like me. I wish I had been stillborn like my older brother, then they could spoil my sister and not make any expenses for me. I've already greedily gobbled up all the pills and antibiotics my mom gave me, and she's so nice to me, but I'm so terrible to her...
Thank you. My rant's over. I tried to be optimistic, I tried to help- I'm sorry- I tried. It is now 1:51AM in Ireland, and the pain in my butt reminds me that I'm still here.
I will never laugh at hemorrhoids again. Every time I move feels like I'm being raped, and not even the sexy kind of rape. It's like the pain without the sex.
EDIT: Phew! I think this is my longest, most self-pitying rant ever! XD If you managed to read all that... then... well, thanks. I appreciate being heard out.
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