05-19-2006, 10:08 AM
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52
05-19-2006, 07:51 PM
I once called into my school dead. It was funny when I showed up a few days later.
05-19-2006, 10:09 PM
*shadow calls the school*
shadow: "Hello? Is this (whatever scholl he went to)'s office?"
school: "Yes, can i help you?"
shadow: "I regret to inform you that a student of yours, (whatever shadows real name is), has passed away. He will no longer be attending your school."
school: "Oh dear, well, thank you for telling us...i will inform his teachers."
-----
*a few days later*
Shadow: Hi everyone!!! *waves at everytbody*
some stupid kid: OMFG zombie!
shadow: "Hello? Is this (whatever scholl he went to)'s office?"
school: "Yes, can i help you?"
shadow: "I regret to inform you that a student of yours, (whatever shadows real name is), has passed away. He will no longer be attending your school."
school: "Oh dear, well, thank you for telling us...i will inform his teachers."
-----
*a few days later*
Shadow: Hi everyone!!! *waves at everytbody*
some stupid kid: OMFG zombie!
05-19-2006, 10:18 PM
It would've worked too, when I was younger I had a very deep voice so they thought I was a lot older, then they unfortunately called my mom with their condolences and blew it.
05-19-2006, 10:48 PM
Lol- that's too bad!
05-19-2006, 11:09 PM
We always hear "the rules" from the female side Finally, the guys' side of the story.
These are our rules!
Learn to work the toilet seat You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one, Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 18 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is not admissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes. and You have too many shoes.
We are in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this.
True story. No kidding,
Friend Left as Deposit at Gas Station
Reuters
BERLIN (May 18) - A German woman left her friend as a deposit at a gas station because she did not have enough cash to pay for her petrol, police said Wednesday.
"She didn't have enough money to pay the bill, so her friend stayed behind as a human deposit while she went to withdraw cash," said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Muenchberg. "Unfortunately, the woman did not return."
Two hours after the 20-year-old driver left, the gas station called the police, who interrogated the stranded "deposit" before releasing her. Police are investigating the driver on suspicion of fraud.
Wow, with friends like that. And the mandatory blonde joke,
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
These are our rules!
Learn to work the toilet seat You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one, Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 18 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is not admissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes. and You have too many shoes.
We are in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this.
True story. No kidding,
Friend Left as Deposit at Gas Station
Reuters
BERLIN (May 18) - A German woman left her friend as a deposit at a gas station because she did not have enough cash to pay for her petrol, police said Wednesday.
"She didn't have enough money to pay the bill, so her friend stayed behind as a human deposit while she went to withdraw cash," said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Muenchberg. "Unfortunately, the woman did not return."
Two hours after the 20-year-old driver left, the gas station called the police, who interrogated the stranded "deposit" before releasing her. Police are investigating the driver on suspicion of fraud.
Wow, with friends like that. And the mandatory blonde joke,
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
05-20-2006, 12:41 AM
LOL- I didn't know we had rules too!
05-20-2006, 02:19 AM
Some of those rules are true. Some aren't (if you're smart).
05-21-2006, 07:17 AM
How to know if you're a redneck:
If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
And the obligatory blonde jokes:
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
************
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
************
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
************
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
And the obligatory blonde jokes:
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
************
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
************
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
************
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
05-22-2006, 03:29 AM
Here's some jokes I've heard/found.
"Residents are upset about a new mexican restaurant named pink taco.
And yes, pink taco is located south from the hooters restaurant."
"There are two places now for national guardsmen; Iraq and Not-Iraq."
Heard on SNL.
Heard in a Homosexual Marriages topic:
"To be honest, I think a better question is how do you decide who takes whos name?"
Isn't that a question.
"We have but one giant bell here in Pennsylvania, and it's cracked.
Well, if SOMEBODY hadn't celebrated the president's birthday by ringing a bell that was fixed by a CANDLEMAKER...
Hey, Christianity's based on a Jew. Sometimes, that kind of shit works."
Two posts heard in a topic
"Residents are upset about a new mexican restaurant named pink taco.
And yes, pink taco is located south from the hooters restaurant."
"There are two places now for national guardsmen; Iraq and Not-Iraq."
Heard on SNL.
Heard in a Homosexual Marriages topic:
"To be honest, I think a better question is how do you decide who takes whos name?"
Isn't that a question.
"We have but one giant bell here in Pennsylvania, and it's cracked.
Well, if SOMEBODY hadn't celebrated the president's birthday by ringing a bell that was fixed by a CANDLEMAKER...
Hey, Christianity's based on a Jew. Sometimes, that kind of shit works."
Two posts heard in a topic