03-09-2006, 05:39 AM
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03-10-2006, 04:34 AM
Forgot to post some yesterday, sorry, here are some:
Lenny walked into his favorite bar one night, and, much to the bartender's surprise, he saw that Lenny's head had shrunk to roughly the size of a softball. For the first few rounds the bartender pretended not to notice, but at last his curiosity got the best of him.
"Say," he said, "I hate to ask, but isn't your head just a bit smaller than it was last night?"
Lenny nodded glumly, and the bartender asked what had happened. "It's like this," Lenny said, "I was walking along when all of a sudden a bottle washed up on shore. As I picked it up, it happened to brush my sleeve; all of a sudden there's a cloud of smoke and out steps a genie. I tell ya, she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. So when she says she'll grant me one wish, the first thing I ask is to go to bed with her. 'I'm sorry,' she says, 'but it's against the genie law to do that.' So I said, 'Well then, how abuot a little head...'"
---------
Jim was doing the crossword puzzle on the train to work. As it happened, so was the commuter beside him as well as two nuns sitting behind them. After a while the man leaned over to Jim.
"I see you're doing the puzzle. Did you happen to get thirty-two across?"
"You mean the four-letter word meaning 'intercourse' and ending in a 'K'?
"Yeah, that's the one."
"Sure," said Jim. "The answer is 'Talk'."
Behind him, one of the nuns said, "Excuse me, Sister Mary, but would you pass the eraser?"
Later in the ride, the man asked his wiser neighbor, "What's forty-two down, the four-letter word ending in u-n-t that means 'woman'?"
Jim replied, "Aunt."
Once again, the nun asked for an eraser.
--------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five! and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
--------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
--------
teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I! am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
Sorry about missing yesterday. I'll post more tommorrow.
Lenny walked into his favorite bar one night, and, much to the bartender's surprise, he saw that Lenny's head had shrunk to roughly the size of a softball. For the first few rounds the bartender pretended not to notice, but at last his curiosity got the best of him.
"Say," he said, "I hate to ask, but isn't your head just a bit smaller than it was last night?"
Lenny nodded glumly, and the bartender asked what had happened. "It's like this," Lenny said, "I was walking along when all of a sudden a bottle washed up on shore. As I picked it up, it happened to brush my sleeve; all of a sudden there's a cloud of smoke and out steps a genie. I tell ya, she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. So when she says she'll grant me one wish, the first thing I ask is to go to bed with her. 'I'm sorry,' she says, 'but it's against the genie law to do that.' So I said, 'Well then, how abuot a little head...'"
---------
Jim was doing the crossword puzzle on the train to work. As it happened, so was the commuter beside him as well as two nuns sitting behind them. After a while the man leaned over to Jim.
"I see you're doing the puzzle. Did you happen to get thirty-two across?"
"You mean the four-letter word meaning 'intercourse' and ending in a 'K'?
"Yeah, that's the one."
"Sure," said Jim. "The answer is 'Talk'."
Behind him, one of the nuns said, "Excuse me, Sister Mary, but would you pass the eraser?"
Later in the ride, the man asked his wiser neighbor, "What's forty-two down, the four-letter word ending in u-n-t that means 'woman'?"
Jim replied, "Aunt."
Once again, the nun asked for an eraser.
--------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five! and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
--------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
--------
teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I! am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
Sorry about missing yesterday. I'll post more tommorrow.
03-10-2006, 05:18 AM
Those are kind of funny. Simple jokes that most people would get.
Nice work.
Nice work.
03-11-2006, 02:44 PM
Todays:
A doctor was walking down the hospital corridor when he was stopped by Nurse Smith.
"Excuse me," she said, "but why do you have a thermometer behind your ear?"
Grabbing the instrument, the doctor swore. "Damn, aome asshole has my pen!"
--------
"It's incredible," the young man told his physician, "but everytime I aneeze I have an orgasm. What do you recommend?"
The doctor replied, "Black pepper."
--------
"David," said the glum-faced young man, "I'm so sorry! I just heard your Uncle Oscar fell from a cliff. Were you very close to him?"
"Just close enough to give him a push," answered David.
--------
The young man was delighted when his date said she had a terrific night planned and that it would be on her. Then she paid for dinner, and his spirits plunged.
--------
Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A: One snatches watches...
A doctor was walking down the hospital corridor when he was stopped by Nurse Smith.
"Excuse me," she said, "but why do you have a thermometer behind your ear?"
Grabbing the instrument, the doctor swore. "Damn, aome asshole has my pen!"
--------
"It's incredible," the young man told his physician, "but everytime I aneeze I have an orgasm. What do you recommend?"
The doctor replied, "Black pepper."
--------
"David," said the glum-faced young man, "I'm so sorry! I just heard your Uncle Oscar fell from a cliff. Were you very close to him?"
"Just close enough to give him a push," answered David.
--------
The young man was delighted when his date said she had a terrific night planned and that it would be on her. Then she paid for dinner, and his spirits plunged.
--------
Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A: One snatches watches...
03-11-2006, 02:59 PM
You have a book with these right?
03-11-2006, 10:16 PM
i didnt get thje last one but- but lol to the others!
03-12-2006, 03:26 AM
Switch the words watch and snatch.
03-12-2006, 09:41 AM
Yeah, another word pun like the "cunning runts." It can be rather hard to notice. I rad to read the thermometer and the black pepper a few times.
03-12-2006, 09:17 PM
oh- that's funny then! lol!
03-14-2006, 02:28 PM
here's another polish joke I remembered....
theres an american guy, an indian guy and a polish guy all at the temple of adulthood and there is a task that each must complete by going through this temple....
The american guy tells the others "This is a piece of cake." walks into the tent and sees a large crack in the middle spanning a 50 foot gap and a beam of light.. An ominous voice says "If you walk across the beam of light you shall be a man...!" The American comes out with two females under his arm and tells the remaining two he's a man....
The second to go in is the indian guy and says to the polish guy, "This test must be easy since the American guy completed it." Walks in and sees the same set-up as before and here's the same voice "If you walk across the beam of light you shall be a man...!" The Indian guy comes out with two females under his arm and tells the remaining polish guy that the task was very easy as well....
The Polish guy says to himself that the test had to be easy because both those assholes past test. So the polish guy enters to here the same voice say, If you walk across the beam of light you shall be a man...!" The polish guy begins to think for a minute and calls back to the voice...
"Ahhhhh! I'm not stupid, half-way across you'll turn off the lights....."
There's a couple more must search in the mean time....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
G1:Who are you listening too?
G2:The Who....
G1:Yeah exactly, thats what I'm asking you, who are you listening to?
G2:The Who...
G!:I am asking W-H-O are Y-O-U Listening to?
G2:The Who...
G1:You know what, there's no point in talking with you....
G1:By the way, what movie are we going to see?
G2:I know what You did last summer.
G1I know you did because you were there, but seriously what are we watching?
G2:I know what you did last summer...
G1:I know you did because thats the weekend party that I got really drunk and streaked in front of our mayor..
G2:Yeah that was funny...
G1:Seriously,What's the movie we are going to see?
G2:I know what you did last summer....
G1:Why do even bother?
G2:Because I know what you did last summer with Who you shouldn't have done it with....
~~
lonelygabu~~
~~
theres an american guy, an indian guy and a polish guy all at the temple of adulthood and there is a task that each must complete by going through this temple....
The american guy tells the others "This is a piece of cake." walks into the tent and sees a large crack in the middle spanning a 50 foot gap and a beam of light.. An ominous voice says "If you walk across the beam of light you shall be a man...!" The American comes out with two females under his arm and tells the remaining two he's a man....
The second to go in is the indian guy and says to the polish guy, "This test must be easy since the American guy completed it." Walks in and sees the same set-up as before and here's the same voice "If you walk across the beam of light you shall be a man...!" The Indian guy comes out with two females under his arm and tells the remaining polish guy that the task was very easy as well....
The Polish guy says to himself that the test had to be easy because both those assholes past test. So the polish guy enters to here the same voice say, If you walk across the beam of light you shall be a man...!" The polish guy begins to think for a minute and calls back to the voice...
"Ahhhhh! I'm not stupid, half-way across you'll turn off the lights....."
There's a couple more must search in the mean time....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
G1:Who are you listening too?
G2:The Who....
G1:Yeah exactly, thats what I'm asking you, who are you listening to?
G2:The Who...
G!:I am asking W-H-O are Y-O-U Listening to?
G2:The Who...
G1:You know what, there's no point in talking with you....
G1:By the way, what movie are we going to see?
G2:I know what You did last summer.
G1I know you did because you were there, but seriously what are we watching?
G2:I know what you did last summer...
G1:I know you did because thats the weekend party that I got really drunk and streaked in front of our mayor..
G2:Yeah that was funny...
G1:Seriously,What's the movie we are going to see?
G2:I know what you did last summer....
G1:Why do even bother?
G2:Because I know what you did last summer with Who you shouldn't have done it with....
~~
lonelygabu~~
~~