10-12-2009, 09:57 AM
This is something you really don't want to realize until the last moment in your life. IF you don't have a relationship to uphold. But what about those who don't have one and would love to uphold the commitment to the other? I realize I am an ass a vast amount of the time. I guess its either because of the fact that I am blinded from the world because like every other insane *Or at least half of the mentally incapable. Or at least that's what 90% of my therapists have told me each fucking visit* person that can't think straight or feels like the world is out to get them. Or the fact I am alone and I am now accepting the fact.
My friend. Azul once told me that I don't realize the pain I have either caused others. Or the pain I am inflicting on myself by blinding others away from me. Now I am letting a mental illness rule my social life. Why? Because I have been told that I can not live a regular life. What the fuck is a regular life anyway? I hate people. Yes. I know. Who doesn't? We are blinded by the pure ignorance and Arrogance of others. So we don't even bother to see our image with that person. So I am here. Today as a (so and so) year old turning to a (So and so) year old. I am in school and getting a high education to further my studies and interests on design and art. Do I stop to look for a guy? Or even a girl? No. Why? Because my ignorance is being blissful and blind siding me with no cause what so ever.
Another reason why i dislike the fact of having a relationship is one of a couple reasons. one. I dont what my lover. (Say its a guy) to be hurt by this homophobic world/society and break up with me because the pain is to much for them. Or my mother wants to be a bitch to them like she does everybody else. It's either the world. Or my family. How to I change one or the other? I changed a part of one. But the part of the other isn't so easy.
So. I hate people. But I hate myself for hating people. I hurt myself mentally knowing that I am not going to achieve anything by this.
I can't uphold internet friends. Because they cant hear my voice. If they could hear the tone of my voice they would be able to know when I am joking or when I am serious. Or even the fact that my mood is so.....Messed up. I have been called mentally restarted on this forum. Where? Hell look through posts you will find it somewhere. But the point is. By this observation people would assume this. Because I hate and treat people different. Trolling? I say its another version of saying "Escape from reality" by shadowing my fear of humans and shadowing my hate. Fear and hate. It's the most thing every humans have.
So what do I do? It's not easy to go and "go talk to someone random" I wish it where that easy. But it is not. What do I do is the common question amongst people. I am here. As a equal. Asking what do I do to change myself, my attitude, feelings, and emotions towards others. With all the people who dislike me for what I did. Forget that past for a manner of 10 minutes and try to help. You want to see me change. Now is a time. I am emotionally down. I am incapable of thinking straight. And like every other person of this world. I am not a person to love. Or one to hate. But I am a person who doesn't care. If death happens I just ignore the pain. If something tragic happens I laugh. I am sadistic. But I am human.
So help me. what should I do? What can I do? Explain. I am thinking to deep into this manner. So.... Why not?
And for those who where wondering. Asked my family. They said this.
"Aw you poor fucking thing. Get used to this shit its life."
I responded. "If its life then you shouldn't have 2 husbands and you shouldn't be drinking. You should be getting a job and maintain your own bit instead of keeping 25 dogs and making everyone elses life miserable. But we can't all win can we?"
So as friends (or foes you chose) what should I do?
My friend. Azul once told me that I don't realize the pain I have either caused others. Or the pain I am inflicting on myself by blinding others away from me. Now I am letting a mental illness rule my social life. Why? Because I have been told that I can not live a regular life. What the fuck is a regular life anyway? I hate people. Yes. I know. Who doesn't? We are blinded by the pure ignorance and Arrogance of others. So we don't even bother to see our image with that person. So I am here. Today as a (so and so) year old turning to a (So and so) year old. I am in school and getting a high education to further my studies and interests on design and art. Do I stop to look for a guy? Or even a girl? No. Why? Because my ignorance is being blissful and blind siding me with no cause what so ever.
Another reason why i dislike the fact of having a relationship is one of a couple reasons. one. I dont what my lover. (Say its a guy) to be hurt by this homophobic world/society and break up with me because the pain is to much for them. Or my mother wants to be a bitch to them like she does everybody else. It's either the world. Or my family. How to I change one or the other? I changed a part of one. But the part of the other isn't so easy.
So. I hate people. But I hate myself for hating people. I hurt myself mentally knowing that I am not going to achieve anything by this.
I can't uphold internet friends. Because they cant hear my voice. If they could hear the tone of my voice they would be able to know when I am joking or when I am serious. Or even the fact that my mood is so.....Messed up. I have been called mentally restarted on this forum. Where? Hell look through posts you will find it somewhere. But the point is. By this observation people would assume this. Because I hate and treat people different. Trolling? I say its another version of saying "Escape from reality" by shadowing my fear of humans and shadowing my hate. Fear and hate. It's the most thing every humans have.
So what do I do? It's not easy to go and "go talk to someone random" I wish it where that easy. But it is not. What do I do is the common question amongst people. I am here. As a equal. Asking what do I do to change myself, my attitude, feelings, and emotions towards others. With all the people who dislike me for what I did. Forget that past for a manner of 10 minutes and try to help. You want to see me change. Now is a time. I am emotionally down. I am incapable of thinking straight. And like every other person of this world. I am not a person to love. Or one to hate. But I am a person who doesn't care. If death happens I just ignore the pain. If something tragic happens I laugh. I am sadistic. But I am human.
So help me. what should I do? What can I do? Explain. I am thinking to deep into this manner. So.... Why not?
And for those who where wondering. Asked my family. They said this.
"Aw you poor fucking thing. Get used to this shit its life."
I responded. "If its life then you shouldn't have 2 husbands and you shouldn't be drinking. You should be getting a job and maintain your own bit instead of keeping 25 dogs and making everyone elses life miserable. But we can't all win can we?"
So as friends (or foes you chose) what should I do?