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Cop: *walks (or rather, waddles) up to the car* Sir, are you aware of how fast you were going?
Me: Yes. Y'see officer, its really quite simple. I was reaching down for my bag of crack when my TEC-9 rolled out of my lap and wedged between the gas pedal and the floor, causing me to speed out of control. I only just got it unstuck.
Cop *sigh* license and registration...
Me: Uh.... sure thing. *starts looking around in the bag of crack*
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05-14-2007, 05:16 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-14-2007, 06:18 AM by Ghostiemon.)
not exactly drunk driving but still drunk
Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.
"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.
At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
l8er
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
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Here is my FAVORITE cop joke:
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door....
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Rofl.... Thats a good one..
"Halp! the occifer stole my beer!"
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Officer: Would you step out of the...?
Car Driver: (interrupts) FOR THE LAST TIME I'M NOT GAY!
xD
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Cop: Sir step out of the car
Driver: Sure hold my beer *hands cop beer opens the car door and beer cans spill out of the car* before you hall me off to jail can I turn those in?
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This isn't a joke, really don't ever say this to a cop:
Officer: Son, may we search your car?
Teen: No.
Officer: We now have probable cause, step out of the car.
What you should say is:
Officer: Son, may we search your car?
Teen: Do you have probable cause?
No matter what, if that is all you say, they can't continue. Not that I condone doing illegal stuff, but trust me...
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