need a beta reader

[Archaon]

i have just done a really stupid mistake and posted this in the artists forum and i repeat it here now. i need a beta reader if anyone would e-mail me at the adress given in my lemons

[Wisemon]

I read your first lemon. No offense, but grammar is the least of your problems. Your dialogue is choppy and all over the place. Start by identifying who your speakers are, and then maybe somebody will be able to follow your story enough to fix it.

[Archaon]

thanks for informing me.

i plan to rewrite them very soon.

cause i planned to do a few stories wait for comments then repost them so i could get rid of as many problems as possible while bringing out atleast a new story with each update

and btw i think your lemons are great

[Wisemon]

and btw i think your lemons are great

Thanks, in that case, I'll tell you my biggest plot gripe with your first story. The sudden exchange of "I love you's" didn't sound right. It's the kind of thing you don't say after a chance encounter. True, I had the exchange in my own series, but I had Izumi say, "I love you too," nine stories after Junpei said his half. That probably wouldn't work for what you have though, so I'd just get rid of it altogether. That's the difference between useful lemons and long drawn out romances, and lemons have their place, as long as they know their place. A series of chance encounters can certainly be entertaining, although, if Tyler turns into too much of a player, I might start to hate him.

[Archaon]

yeah i admit i was rushing myself a bit there and i do plan to re-do that chapter. and i hadnt planned to make Tyler a player cause i actually based that character round a person i know whos been going out with my best friend for the past 6 years.

i agree with the whole "i love you" thing, cause now i have reread it for the 4th time, the bit does sound a bit wrong so i will redo that.

[hhvorausgesagt]

Pick me! I'll be a beta reader!

[Archaon]

sure i just need a way to send the lemons to you

and wisemon how do you suggest i improve the way that the speech is set out?

[hhvorausgesagt]

um, did you try EMAIL?

[Archaon]

it shows i dont pay attention much. i would have posted earlier but i have been ill for a while. and trying to sort out my stuff for my GCSE's ugh big exams suck

[Wisemon]

and wisemon how do you suggest i improve the way that the speech is set out?

On second thought, it is pretty clear. You just need to switch out the few ambiguous "he's", and change the periods inside the quotes to commas.