Next part is here; hit me with your best shot, boys. Same disclaimer as before.
In another part of the Digital World, in a small city, a green beam of light suddenly appeared out of nowhere. An instant later, David came flying out and landed on the ground with dull THUD!! Then the green beam vanished. David climbed to his feet and dusted himself off.
-First thing's first. Your setting lacks any imagination whatsoever. 'A deserted city' is ambiguous and vague to start with, more over, it's a classical stereotype that leaves me bored. It fells alot like Wisemon's stories, passages with little or no narritive description to give a reader a sense of place within a writer's world, which can put off alot of readers.
Setting influences alot of things inside a story. The core reason is to give a sense of place within your Lead's world. A secondary reason is to set an atmosphere or tone to give your reader a certain mood towards your story. A third, which I consider reasonable, is establishing credibility towards your world, making it believable.
How does the city look. What conclusions can your character generate. When is this happening?
I will not let nother writer fall into the deadly Wisemon Trap (technically called the stagnant screen)!
- Your fight scenes seem kind of boring. Throughout the entire fight I don't think Delta Cody lands a blow on him (I'm not counting the kick the gut, since David recovered anyway), which also waters down the credibility--therealism--of David's techniques. Its hard to believe that he would be left unscathed from sword wounds after an assault from an experienced Kendo and Martial Arts adversary.
When in an action scene, keep the persepctive on one person. Bouncing the camera around in a high-tempo environment confuses the reader and makes them lose interest. I myself had to re-read several lines to make sure I was following the right character.
I admit my setting descriptions still need work.
I can redo the scene and have Delta land some hits. This story is far from finished, so don't think what you're looking at is the final product.
I figured it wouldn't be a good fight scene if I only focused on one character. Most books I've read that involved sword-fighting scenes (Star Wars, Batman Begins) described all the particpants' actions.
I think I've figured out why David can kick everyone's asses. He's an Agent, and the entire story takes place inside the Matrix, which Emperor Izzy has taken over.
If you guys are going to argue, take it somewhere else. I need help with this story and I'm not about to see this thread locked.