05-09-2006, 05:44 PM
I think yer cute, Does that count?
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Funny Joke(18+ or anyone who doesn't care) (non-digi)
Funny Joke(18+ or anyone who doesn't care) (non-digi)
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Funny Joke(18+ or anyone who doesn't care) (non-digi)
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05-10-2006, 04:42 PM
Lol, all I can say,
Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity. Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes." Blondes, a year in review. January Took new scarf back to store; it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Bottles wouldn't fit in typewriter! March Got excited; finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said "2-4 years!" April Trapped on escalator for hours; power went out! May Tried to make Kool-Aid; 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets! Tried to find another brand. June Tried to go water skiing; couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition; learned later, other swimmers cheated. They used their arms! August Got locked out of car in rain storm. Car got swamped because top was down. September Lost Geography Competition. (The capital in California is "C"....isn't it?) October Hate M&M's; they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108! December Tree caught fire; couldn't call 911. there's no eleven button on my phone!
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
05-10-2006, 05:02 PM
Here's a blonde quickie,
Q: A blonde, A brunette, and a redhead are in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? A: The blonde. She's 25.
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
05-11-2006, 02:54 PM
More random thoughts,
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes????? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? Bra Sizes, Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! {A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up Yet another boy that'll be scarred for life, A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." Don't mess with nuns, SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE. IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
05-11-2006, 07:30 PM
Just plain funny jokes, no witty remarks from me this time,
After his internist retired a man of 70 found another doctor and went in for a physical. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests the doctor told him he was doing "fairly well" for his age. A little concerned about that comment, the man couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" The doctor asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," he replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" The man said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "I don't do any of those things." The doctor looked at him quizzically and said, "Then why do you give a shit about living to 80"? And, NBA OR NFL? 36 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault 71 repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? . . . Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. Don't lie, Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." The cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive and not wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman able to handle all things at all times or wondering why she was not participating in her church's bazaar, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect! Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified...she was beside herself. Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. She would have to move or kill herself! All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend a fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa), but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South.... and to Alice's horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate what words she would use to explain the situation, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
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