Funny Joke(18+ or anyone who doesn't care) (non-digi)

[Shadowknight]

Here are some good ones:

Proof that english is a hard language to learn:
Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen?"
"It was terrible. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"But you must tell me true. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well...no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the puzzled redneck says, "heck, what's that noise?"
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Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. i will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

I have got to get a parrot .

[Gunter VanCrimson]

I know one with a parrot too!
***
A man goes into a petshop to buy a pet, and spots the most beautiful parrot he has ever laid eyes on, surrounded by a group of people admiring it's plummage, the shop keeper was standing between the bird, keeping the crowd away just enough for them to keep from touching it. the Price on the bird was only $68.25 dollars.
The man immediately offered $70.00 for the bird- but someone bid 80.
desperate, he made it 90, another bid 100.
he really wanted the bird, so he bid 150- but another one bet 200.
many minutes later, the man finally got the bird for $3465.75- he was overjoyed.
before he got out- he stopped, to ask the shopkeeper a question.
"The bird's great and all, but can it talk?" The man asked.
"Sure it can." replied the shopkeeper.
"How well can it talk? can it understand me?" The man asked excitedly.
The shopkeeper grinned, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
***

[UnknownH]

I once saw a sketch about a dead bird and Once I find it again, I'll post the joke.

[Gunter VanCrimson]

Dead... bird?
NGYAH! (wonders curiously what that is)

[UnknownH]

I found it again.
http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Scripts...rrotSketch

[Seit The Reaper]

http://media.putfile.com/starwarsep3ha
Enoguh Said...

[Gunter VanCrimson]

lol- is that- in a play- or a show?

[Shadowknight]

I dun get it :? .

Nymphomaniacs/slut jokes:

The nymphomaniac had a terrific attitude toward sex: It was every man for herself.

Then there was the nymphomaniac who paid her shrink in advances.

As well as the nymphomaniac whose favorite breakfast was him and eggs.
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The farmer's wife wasn't too happy, but the farmer was delighted when he learned they'd rented the spare room to a nymphomaniac. Since the rooster died, he'd been having trouble waking up in the morning; now, each day, the horny lass would rise at 5:00 a.m. and crow at the top of her lungs, "Any cock'll dooooo!"

Quick animal joke (cause everyone loves animal jokes):

Q: Why did the parakeet think he was gay?
A: Cause he kissed a cockatoo.

Sex jokes:

Did you hear about the woman who was so in love with her priest that she chased him around the church and grabbed him by the organ?

Or the man who died at the height of passion: He came and went at the same time.
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King arthur knew that Queen Guinevere was cheating on him, but he had no idea which of the knights of the Round Table was to blame. Intending to find out, Arthur fit his wife with a very special chastity belt, one which had an opening lined on either side by a razor blade.
Several days later Arthur had all his knights lined up and, one by one, asked them to drop their codpiece and tasset. Lo and behold, all the knights save one were missing their private members. The sole exception was the noble Sir Lancelot.
Embracing his trusted knight, Arthur said, "Thank you, Lancelot, my dear subject. You have no idea what your loyalty means to me."
"It meanf a wot to me altho," replied the tongueless knight.
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Q: How are breasts like electric trains?
A: They're meant for the children, but dad always ends up playing with them.

Q: What's the difference between a stud and a premature ejaculator?
A: One's good for secods, the other's good for seconds.

Q: Why is it called sex?
A: Because that's easier to spell than "Uhhhh...ohhhh...ahhhh...AIEEE!"
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"Herb," said Mr. Barris to a casual acquainyance at the health club, "I married a woman with a twin sister And sometimes when she comes to visit, I make love to the sister instead of ny wife. So I decided to get a divorce."
"I don't understand. Shurely there must be some difference between them."
"Oh, there is," replied Mr. Barris. "That's why I want a divorce."

[Gunter VanCrimson]

LOL!

[UnknownH]

Heh heh heh. Those are pretty good.