05-11-2006, 07:30 PM
Just plain funny jokes, no witty remarks from me this time,
After his internist retired a man of 70 found another doctor and went in for
a physical. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests the doctor told him
he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, the man couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
The doctor asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," he replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" The
man said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't,"
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"I don't do any of those things."
The doctor looked at him quizzically and said, "Then why do you give a shit
about living to 80"?
And,
NBA OR NFL?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71
repeat
71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . .
Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Don't lie,
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale
in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in the back of her
kitchen cabinet and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and
helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being
inventive and not wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering why she was not
participating in her church's bazaar, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in
and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for
work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and
specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at
9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive cake
had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified...she was beside herself. Everyone would know... what
would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed.
She would have to move or kill herself! All night Alice lay awake in bed
thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about
the cake and she would attend a fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.
Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (who more
than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single
parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South....
and to Alice's horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started
to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all
about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What
a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate what words she would
use to explain the situation, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
After his internist retired a man of 70 found another doctor and went in for
a physical. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests the doctor told him
he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, the man couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
The doctor asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," he replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" The
man said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't,"
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"I don't do any of those things."
The doctor looked at him quizzically and said, "Then why do you give a shit
about living to 80"?
And,
NBA OR NFL?
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71
repeat
71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . .
Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
Don't lie,
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale
in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in the back of her
kitchen cabinet and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and
helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being
inventive and not wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering why she was not
participating in her church's bazaar, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in
and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for
work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and
specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at
9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive cake
had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified...she was beside herself. Everyone would know... what
would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed.
She would have to move or kill herself! All night Alice lay awake in bed
thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about
the cake and she would attend a fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.
Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (who more
than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single
parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South....
and to Alice's horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started
to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all
about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What
a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate what words she would
use to explain the situation, sat back in her chair when she heard the
hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
