06-24-2010, 06:42 AM
It was enjoyable, and it's nice to see that you gave all four of them equal attention. Considering how tough that can be when doing an orgy lemon, that's a really good job. The story was also rather funny at time intentionally and at times unintentionally (hyperphallic cocks? :P). However, I need to point this out.
Though there were a few grammatical and spelling errors throughout, this paragraph near the beginning needs some serious work.
For the first sentence, what does "but her organism" mean anyways? It just sounds awkward. Why don't you just say she was blessed with an attractive appearance or whatever?
For the second, automatically isn't necessary unless it's some sort of mechanical armor or something. Also, chest-plate-like is NOT a word. Why don't you just call the thing a chest plate, or in the least, just an armored shirt?
The third one is fine.
Sentence four needs some real work. It's way too long, with too many different ideas being joined together. You also used "so", which is a word that should only be used as a last resort in most cases. We could easily fix things up like this:
"Dark managed to develop two conspicuously large breasts that had, in her opinion, been the primary reason why she had been given the job at Digitamamon’s restaurant; sexist as it was. The very thought that her prominent mammaries could get her virtually anything she wanted aroused her. There wasn’t a single night where she didn’t enjoy eating out with a nice yet obviously fixated male, but if he was paying for her meal, then who cared about modesty?"
Not perfect I know, but it does help keep sentences to a manageable word count for the reader. Again, I just want to help you improve your writing if I can.
DragonMasterX Wrote:Dark wasn’t unlike any other DarkFlamedramon or Flamedramon for the matter, but her organism had fortunately decided that she be blessed with a very feminine look. This look made her complain sometimes as specific parts of her everyday armor had unfortunately not automatically accomodated with her, namely her chest-plate-like shirt. She always struggled when she had to put it on, and when she undressed she always could feel like her chest was emitting a sigh of relief. For a dramon, Dark had developed two conspicuously large breasts that had, in her opinion, been the primary reason why she had been given the job at Digitamamon’s restaurant; sexist as it was, the very thought that her prominent mammaries could get her virtually anything she wanted aroused her, and there wasn’t a single night where she didn’t enjoy eating out with a nice yet obviously fixated male, but he paid for her, so who cared about modesty?
Though there were a few grammatical and spelling errors throughout, this paragraph near the beginning needs some serious work.
For the first sentence, what does "but her organism" mean anyways? It just sounds awkward. Why don't you just say she was blessed with an attractive appearance or whatever?
For the second, automatically isn't necessary unless it's some sort of mechanical armor or something. Also, chest-plate-like is NOT a word. Why don't you just call the thing a chest plate, or in the least, just an armored shirt?
The third one is fine.
Sentence four needs some real work. It's way too long, with too many different ideas being joined together. You also used "so", which is a word that should only be used as a last resort in most cases. We could easily fix things up like this:
"Dark managed to develop two conspicuously large breasts that had, in her opinion, been the primary reason why she had been given the job at Digitamamon’s restaurant; sexist as it was. The very thought that her prominent mammaries could get her virtually anything she wanted aroused her. There wasn’t a single night where she didn’t enjoy eating out with a nice yet obviously fixated male, but if he was paying for her meal, then who cared about modesty?"
Not perfect I know, but it does help keep sentences to a manageable word count for the reader. Again, I just want to help you improve your writing if I can.
