06-15-2010, 11:23 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-15-2010, 11:24 AM by Crimson Fox.)
I enjoyed this story, and though I already joked with you about minor stuff, there is something that sticks out to me.
Though your word use was smoother this time around, these two lines really stuck out in a bad way. As I said before, sometimes you don't need to list every detail or at least use a mild amount of vagueness. Here's how I would have written it.
"Gaomon was literally coated in Falcomon's jizz. He tried to swallow the seed again, but he couldn't handle the powerful stream. However, Falcomon's orgasm soon ended with the bird's small hose dripping on his face."
Again, I'm sure there are problems with that as well, but "soon" sounds better than "after the third minute".
Okay, I'll stop nitpicking. You wrote another fun, little lemon here. You kept me entertained, especially since you played upon Gaomon's likely submissive demeanor. (Seriously, who says Master that much? :P)
DragonMasterX Wrote:Gaomon had been bathed in Falcomon’s jizz, he had tried to drink it again a second time but the powerful stream had made him unable to fully do it. After the third minute, that small hose connected to two cum hydrants finally started to just drip.
Though your word use was smoother this time around, these two lines really stuck out in a bad way. As I said before, sometimes you don't need to list every detail or at least use a mild amount of vagueness. Here's how I would have written it.
"Gaomon was literally coated in Falcomon's jizz. He tried to swallow the seed again, but he couldn't handle the powerful stream. However, Falcomon's orgasm soon ended with the bird's small hose dripping on his face."
Again, I'm sure there are problems with that as well, but "soon" sounds better than "after the third minute".
Okay, I'll stop nitpicking. You wrote another fun, little lemon here. You kept me entertained, especially since you played upon Gaomon's likely submissive demeanor. (Seriously, who says Master that much? :P)
