Oh, biscuits. I procrastinated talking about your story so long that I have even more to read. I guess I should get started. By the way, this is probably going to be quite long as I try to be as constructive as possible.
Starting with part one, obviously.
I have to admit that even though the story started in medias res, the introductory bit of the first part was pretty good. I felt it dragged on a little long, but I didn't mind because you managed to explain how the character received the digivice and how he was able to enter the digital world, and you did both in a completely believable way. Realism in an unrealistic situation will always win points with me. One little nitpick, however: If I were to wake up on the floor the day after being knocked unconscious by a strange object firing out of my computer monitor, I don't think my first thought would be "It's my birthday!". In fact, I would probably stand up, fall over my desk and throw up.
I'm going to get a bit more nit-picky now. While I felt the introductory part was a little too long, I felt the story after that and up to the present day went waaaay too quick, and started to drift away from realistic reactions.
The character is sucked into a strange world and ends up in the middle of a jungle area, but all he basically says is, "Well this kinda sucks." As he says that, a strange creature pops out of the jungle, overhears that it's his birthday, and even knows the guy's name. I'm going to interpret the conversation in the way I imagined it. .. For comedic effect and all that.
"It's your birthday?"
"SWEET JESUS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?"
"I'm a Digimon! Happy birthday, Adam!"
"I don't know what that is, and how do you know my name?"
"I'm your partner, that's how!"
"... Fair enough. Wanna move in with me?"
"Hells yeah."
*Fist pound*
He seems strangely trusting for someone who was just sucked into his computer after being unconscious for an entire day. He then takes a large, scary-looking, badly injured Digimon back to his house along with Hawkmon and does the logical thing: perform whatever first-aid he knew. This is where I'm probably going to start picking at the story the most. The problem I have now is that not only do the two leave the injured guy on a table for 17 hours, but they also act like they've known each other for, well, longer than 17 hours. Once they finally check on him, he nearly blows up the house, but instead of getting thrown out, he gets invited to live with them too. I can understand that these characters are supposed to become fast friends, but it just seems that they're accepting all of this a little too fast. Maybe it's just me. One more little nitpick of a question (which probably has a simple answer that I'm too impatient to find) before I move on to the present day: Why does Adam refer to the place he just was as the digital world? I can understand he was just there, but he couldn't have been there that long. Maybe Hawkmon explained it to him while they were talking, I dunno.
Moving on to the present day. The "Bro" joke I made earlier works quite well with the practical jokes and such. Maybe that's what you were going for. Anyway, I'm going to go a little quicker because this is already too long and I'm only on the first part.
I know they used clothes to hide the Digimon in the show, but I don't know if you'd be able to do that with Flamedramon. He seems a little big to blend in with humans even while wearing a hoodie and pants. The Renamon part now. If it wasn't for the fact that Renamon and the others were injured, I would have sworn after reading the pizza thing that there was a reverse porn-cliche coming up. You know, the hot chick screwing the pizza guy. I don't know why, I just thought of that and thought it was funny.
What do I think so far? I think that it's written fine, but it seems to be moving quicker than I would have liked. That's not to say that you should spend six parts introducing the characters, it's probably just my taste.
Okay, I guess I'm done.. the first part. I think I might have dug myself into a hole here. I could talk about the other parts in less detail if you'd like.
Edit: Ah, yes, this was quite long. My bad.
Starting with part one, obviously.
I have to admit that even though the story started in medias res, the introductory bit of the first part was pretty good. I felt it dragged on a little long, but I didn't mind because you managed to explain how the character received the digivice and how he was able to enter the digital world, and you did both in a completely believable way. Realism in an unrealistic situation will always win points with me. One little nitpick, however: If I were to wake up on the floor the day after being knocked unconscious by a strange object firing out of my computer monitor, I don't think my first thought would be "It's my birthday!". In fact, I would probably stand up, fall over my desk and throw up.
I'm going to get a bit more nit-picky now. While I felt the introductory part was a little too long, I felt the story after that and up to the present day went waaaay too quick, and started to drift away from realistic reactions.
The character is sucked into a strange world and ends up in the middle of a jungle area, but all he basically says is, "Well this kinda sucks." As he says that, a strange creature pops out of the jungle, overhears that it's his birthday, and even knows the guy's name. I'm going to interpret the conversation in the way I imagined it. .. For comedic effect and all that.
"It's your birthday?"
"SWEET JESUS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?"
"I'm a Digimon! Happy birthday, Adam!"
"I don't know what that is, and how do you know my name?"
"I'm your partner, that's how!"
"... Fair enough. Wanna move in with me?"
"Hells yeah."
*Fist pound*
He seems strangely trusting for someone who was just sucked into his computer after being unconscious for an entire day. He then takes a large, scary-looking, badly injured Digimon back to his house along with Hawkmon and does the logical thing: perform whatever first-aid he knew. This is where I'm probably going to start picking at the story the most. The problem I have now is that not only do the two leave the injured guy on a table for 17 hours, but they also act like they've known each other for, well, longer than 17 hours. Once they finally check on him, he nearly blows up the house, but instead of getting thrown out, he gets invited to live with them too. I can understand that these characters are supposed to become fast friends, but it just seems that they're accepting all of this a little too fast. Maybe it's just me. One more little nitpick of a question (which probably has a simple answer that I'm too impatient to find) before I move on to the present day: Why does Adam refer to the place he just was as the digital world? I can understand he was just there, but he couldn't have been there that long. Maybe Hawkmon explained it to him while they were talking, I dunno.
Moving on to the present day. The "Bro" joke I made earlier works quite well with the practical jokes and such. Maybe that's what you were going for. Anyway, I'm going to go a little quicker because this is already too long and I'm only on the first part.
I know they used clothes to hide the Digimon in the show, but I don't know if you'd be able to do that with Flamedramon. He seems a little big to blend in with humans even while wearing a hoodie and pants. The Renamon part now. If it wasn't for the fact that Renamon and the others were injured, I would have sworn after reading the pizza thing that there was a reverse porn-cliche coming up. You know, the hot chick screwing the pizza guy. I don't know why, I just thought of that and thought it was funny.
What do I think so far? I think that it's written fine, but it seems to be moving quicker than I would have liked. That's not to say that you should spend six parts introducing the characters, it's probably just my taste.
Okay, I guess I'm done.. the first part. I think I might have dug myself into a hole here. I could talk about the other parts in less detail if you'd like.
Edit: Ah, yes, this was quite long. My bad.
In soviet goggles, Russia does nothing.