04-10-2010, 09:49 AM
The biggest problems I have with this story are as follows: the random name dropping, the dialogue, and the characters. The lyrics in between and the drugs didn't bother me as much, so I'll just touch on them quickly.
The drugs. I am not a big fan of drug use or anything like that, so right off the bat I'm cynical about the whole plot. But, much like my hatred of peas, I can accept that other people DO like that sort of thing, so I'll let drug use slide. Now as for the music and lyrics throughout the story, it just doesn't work. I can see what you're getting at, and I understand you want to set a certain mood for the reader, but this kind of thing is more tailored to film. Film and writing are two very different mediums, and music just doesn't mix well with writing.
By far, my biggest gripe with this story is the dialogue. The characters talk like they're robots, which is probably why I didn't like them AS characters.
"I am ENJOYING this MUSIC . Let us do some CHINA_WHITE my friend."
"Yes, friend, I too am enjoying this MUSIC, and I would ENJOY some CHINA WHITE."
"BZZZT. WARNING, SENSORS INDICATING LACK OF 'TAIL'."
"SCANNING FOR 'TAIL'. ... ... ... NEGATIVE. INITIATING 'TAIL RETRIEVAL' PROGRAM. ... ... 'TAIL RETRIEVAL' PROGRAM INITIATED."
"BEEP BOOP."
The conversations just don't seem like they take place between two living beings, hence my drawn-out robot analogy. I like to offer ideas on how to improve on mistakes, so I've found that there's an easy trick to writing dialogue. I find it works pretty well, and it goes like this:
After writing extended dialogue between characters, stop and read it aloud to yourself like you were actually having this conversation in real life. You might have people asking who the hell you're talking to, so I would suggest doing it when nobody is around. Once you've read it aloud, you have to ask yourself a couple of questions: Does this make sense? Does this sound like a real conversation? If you answered "No" to either of those questions, go back and tinker with your dialogue until you can answer "Yes" to both. That way the readers don't get hung up on awkward wording or strange word placement. Speaking of strange word placement, the names of the drugs, the bands, the venues, the songs.. they all seem.. well, out of place. It's very jarring to have very specific names dropped into the story without any explanation.
While I'm on the subject of strange wording, there are a couple of other problems I have. The first is a minor problem, and that is the changing of story perspective. It might not have been intentional, and instead a simple error, but on a couple occasions I noticed first-person words like "I" being used outside of dialogue while the majority of the story is told from a third-person perspective. The second thing is a problem with tautology. If you don't know what tautology is, it's like saying the same thing twice. Here's an example from the text:
"Two boys gathered around a red-orange psychedelic lava-lamp in the small, dark room, while under the influence of LSD tabs. The room they were was barely lit, save for the lava lamp;"
The last sentence is saying what was already said in the first sentence. A second example near the end:
"Cassie was sucking on the nipples of Lucemon, he began to be arroused by the rapid sucking of Cassie."
This sentence could have been simplified by saying "Cassie was sucking on the nipples of Lucemon, which aroused him".
Now that I look back, a lot of the problems I had with this story were caused by that overly complicated repetition of words. If you can cut down on that repetition, I think the quality of your writing would improve significantly.
I hope I've helped, if only a little. I tried to give as much constructive criticism as possible. There are other criticisms with realism I could make, but I don't think I would have anything constructive to say about those problems and it would probably end up sounding like whining, and I've already whined enough.
The drugs. I am not a big fan of drug use or anything like that, so right off the bat I'm cynical about the whole plot. But, much like my hatred of peas, I can accept that other people DO like that sort of thing, so I'll let drug use slide. Now as for the music and lyrics throughout the story, it just doesn't work. I can see what you're getting at, and I understand you want to set a certain mood for the reader, but this kind of thing is more tailored to film. Film and writing are two very different mediums, and music just doesn't mix well with writing.
By far, my biggest gripe with this story is the dialogue. The characters talk like they're robots, which is probably why I didn't like them AS characters.
"I am ENJOYING this MUSIC . Let us do some CHINA_WHITE my friend."
"Yes, friend, I too am enjoying this MUSIC, and I would ENJOY some CHINA WHITE."
"BZZZT. WARNING, SENSORS INDICATING LACK OF 'TAIL'."
"SCANNING FOR 'TAIL'. ... ... ... NEGATIVE. INITIATING 'TAIL RETRIEVAL' PROGRAM. ... ... 'TAIL RETRIEVAL' PROGRAM INITIATED."
"BEEP BOOP."
The conversations just don't seem like they take place between two living beings, hence my drawn-out robot analogy. I like to offer ideas on how to improve on mistakes, so I've found that there's an easy trick to writing dialogue. I find it works pretty well, and it goes like this:
After writing extended dialogue between characters, stop and read it aloud to yourself like you were actually having this conversation in real life. You might have people asking who the hell you're talking to, so I would suggest doing it when nobody is around. Once you've read it aloud, you have to ask yourself a couple of questions: Does this make sense? Does this sound like a real conversation? If you answered "No" to either of those questions, go back and tinker with your dialogue until you can answer "Yes" to both. That way the readers don't get hung up on awkward wording or strange word placement. Speaking of strange word placement, the names of the drugs, the bands, the venues, the songs.. they all seem.. well, out of place. It's very jarring to have very specific names dropped into the story without any explanation.
While I'm on the subject of strange wording, there are a couple of other problems I have. The first is a minor problem, and that is the changing of story perspective. It might not have been intentional, and instead a simple error, but on a couple occasions I noticed first-person words like "I" being used outside of dialogue while the majority of the story is told from a third-person perspective. The second thing is a problem with tautology. If you don't know what tautology is, it's like saying the same thing twice. Here's an example from the text:
"Two boys gathered around a red-orange psychedelic lava-lamp in the small, dark room, while under the influence of LSD tabs. The room they were was barely lit, save for the lava lamp;"
The last sentence is saying what was already said in the first sentence. A second example near the end:
"Cassie was sucking on the nipples of Lucemon, he began to be arroused by the rapid sucking of Cassie."
This sentence could have been simplified by saying "Cassie was sucking on the nipples of Lucemon, which aroused him".
Now that I look back, a lot of the problems I had with this story were caused by that overly complicated repetition of words. If you can cut down on that repetition, I think the quality of your writing would improve significantly.
I hope I've helped, if only a little. I tried to give as much constructive criticism as possible. There are other criticisms with realism I could make, but I don't think I would have anything constructive to say about those problems and it would probably end up sounding like whining, and I've already whined enough.
In soviet goggles, Russia does nothing.