04-09-2010, 08:10 AM
This isn't a place to pussyfoot, Asesino. Critique if you want, or don't post in this forum.
The same goes to you, GP. If you post something, expect the worst, and NEVER ask people to not bash you or give you negative comments.
Ray hits all the high points pretty accurately. Yes, jumping back and forth between the story and lyrics to whatever song it is (Which I made a quicklist of on Youtube as I read the story; I didn't care for any of them.) falls down very flat, and it just gets annoying and distracting to read. The Lemon does seem to place more emphasis on the drugs than it does anything else.
Found a few punctuation and spelling errors in here, especially where people are no longer talking, yet the quotation marks don't show this. I'm beyond trying to explain that there is no longer an excuse for this.
The buildup to the sex scene also falls on its ass. It's very sudden and random with almost no buildup apart from the line "Hay, let's go get some tail!" The sex scene also feels very bland and rushed, especially the whipping part. There is no emphasis on feel, taste, touch, emotion, or anything, and I'm tired of looking at lyrics and songs. Leave them out.
I didn't care for this one. 3/10.
The same goes to you, GP. If you post something, expect the worst, and NEVER ask people to not bash you or give you negative comments.
Ray hits all the high points pretty accurately. Yes, jumping back and forth between the story and lyrics to whatever song it is (Which I made a quicklist of on Youtube as I read the story; I didn't care for any of them.) falls down very flat, and it just gets annoying and distracting to read. The Lemon does seem to place more emphasis on the drugs than it does anything else.
Found a few punctuation and spelling errors in here, especially where people are no longer talking, yet the quotation marks don't show this. I'm beyond trying to explain that there is no longer an excuse for this.
The buildup to the sex scene also falls on its ass. It's very sudden and random with almost no buildup apart from the line "Hay, let's go get some tail!" The sex scene also feels very bland and rushed, especially the whipping part. There is no emphasis on feel, taste, touch, emotion, or anything, and I'm tired of looking at lyrics and songs. Leave them out.
I didn't care for this one. 3/10.
![[Image: WalkingEye-1.jpg]](http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff85/Dark_Suzaku/WalkingEye-1.jpg)
No super-villain can resist the temptation of a Walking Eye.
