02-03-2010, 03:56 AM
Sweet as a bag of M&Ms dipped in butter drenched turkey sauce!
A few minor issues, mainly that i feel a bit of a leaking in your suspense in some parts. For instance, "Rika then motioned for Renamon to knock him out cold. Renamon snuck up behind Yamaki and delivered a back-hand to the back of his head.". By stating what she was going to do before the action is carried out sorta makes it repetitive and hence boring, why not instead use:
"Rika stuck to the shadows, raising her right hand and motioning the signal at Renamon. Slipping from her darkened corner, the vulpine digimon crept up behind Yamaki, smacking him hard on the back of the head and cupping his mouth with her paw so he wouldn't make a noise."
It was also a little short but i forgive quantity over the quality of the goods :P Thanks again Venin!
A few minor issues, mainly that i feel a bit of a leaking in your suspense in some parts. For instance, "Rika then motioned for Renamon to knock him out cold. Renamon snuck up behind Yamaki and delivered a back-hand to the back of his head.". By stating what she was going to do before the action is carried out sorta makes it repetitive and hence boring, why not instead use:
"Rika stuck to the shadows, raising her right hand and motioning the signal at Renamon. Slipping from her darkened corner, the vulpine digimon crept up behind Yamaki, smacking him hard on the back of the head and cupping his mouth with her paw so he wouldn't make a noise."
It was also a little short but i forgive quantity over the quality of the goods :P Thanks again Venin!
UnknownH Wrote:We do have soap and smarter doctors nowYay!
