07-01-2004, 09:21 AM
Yes folks, after 21 years (11 of which were spent wanking daily) I have at last mastered the art of MASTURBATING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!
Some of you may remeber me mentioning that I've never stroked myself in the classic "Clean and jerk" method virtually everyone else follows.
Instead I've always just humped things. Mostly pillows. Even before I knew what "masturbation" by definition was.
And once I did find out how most folks go about it, I tried it a few times and couldn't quite get a handle on it.
Well, last night after bearing witness to some good-looking lesbians making out in the metro station, I was about to sit myself down for my old school cushion-rape, when I thought to myself
"Y'know, the fact that it looks like you have foreskin despite having been circumsized is probably natures way of telling you you should lay off the more violent orgasm-acheiving methods."
So, I layed back and gave the traditional method a shot. And hey, it wasn't easy...I do 25-35 pushups every morning and I still exhuasted my arm three times over 25 minutes before I finally figured out just the right way to do it. But this time, I didn't give up and
"BAM! BOOYA! IN YO FACE, MOTHERFUCKA!! WHO'S YO DADD...huh? Oh, sorry Jer, I'll keep it down......booya.
So, I have at long last caught up with the rest of you guys. You have no idea how fucking proud I am right now.
Now...congratulate me.
Some of you may remeber me mentioning that I've never stroked myself in the classic "Clean and jerk" method virtually everyone else follows.
Instead I've always just humped things. Mostly pillows. Even before I knew what "masturbation" by definition was.
And once I did find out how most folks go about it, I tried it a few times and couldn't quite get a handle on it.
Well, last night after bearing witness to some good-looking lesbians making out in the metro station, I was about to sit myself down for my old school cushion-rape, when I thought to myself
"Y'know, the fact that it looks like you have foreskin despite having been circumsized is probably natures way of telling you you should lay off the more violent orgasm-acheiving methods."
So, I layed back and gave the traditional method a shot. And hey, it wasn't easy...I do 25-35 pushups every morning and I still exhuasted my arm three times over 25 minutes before I finally figured out just the right way to do it. But this time, I didn't give up and
"BAM! BOOYA! IN YO FACE, MOTHERFUCKA!! WHO'S YO DADD...huh? Oh, sorry Jer, I'll keep it down......booya.
So, I have at long last caught up with the rest of you guys. You have no idea how fucking proud I am right now.
Now...congratulate me.