10-22-2008, 04:55 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-22-2008, 04:56 AM by Guilmon and a shotgun.)
Good story but theres a few things that bother me:
1. In the first part, Patamon is the one that is overjoyed to hear Gatomon is staying over, and then it's Gatomon who starts off the sex scene? surely Patamon would be the one to make the first move? " “Great, I can’t wait to see you!” Patamon almost screamed over the phone.
“Wanna have some more fun?” Gatomon said in a naughty-but-sexy voice
“Umm….OK” Patamon said not understanding what Gatomon meant. "
2. Shortness. Now i'm not gonna be harsh on this but the lack of depth and plot is a bit confusing...for me its an okay plot to follow, but some bits need a little more description
E.G "she had never even thought about lesbian sex, but she was enjoying it, neither the less.
Gatomon and Patamon both climaxed at the same time"
Theres quite a gap there with no build up to the climax, just a statement of what happened. Try adding more description to build up to big moments.
Example:
Patamon began to pant rapidly; every thrust he made brought him closer to his climax and his pace quickened everytime the tip of his manhood pushed back into his lover's tight hole. Gatomon was also closing in on her orgasm, her breaths getting heavier and faster as she felt the thick meat of the male penetrateher at phenomenal speed.
3. you mixed some RolePlay description in
" "No, we can't do it.."*moans loudly* patamon didn't finish his sentence
because gatomon was rubbing his crotch.
"now that's changed your mind hasn't it???" gatomon wispered in his ear" "
when really it should've been standard description or spoken in his sentence, because then it doesn't confuse your readers as to what they're reading, a lemon or a Roleplay.
Example:
"No, we can't do it..ooooh..." patamon didn't manage to finish his sentence
as gatomon was rubbing his crotch gently."
"now that's changed your mind hasn't it???" gatomon wispered in his ear
1. In the first part, Patamon is the one that is overjoyed to hear Gatomon is staying over, and then it's Gatomon who starts off the sex scene? surely Patamon would be the one to make the first move? " “Great, I can’t wait to see you!” Patamon almost screamed over the phone.
“Wanna have some more fun?” Gatomon said in a naughty-but-sexy voice
“Umm….OK” Patamon said not understanding what Gatomon meant. "
2. Shortness. Now i'm not gonna be harsh on this but the lack of depth and plot is a bit confusing...for me its an okay plot to follow, but some bits need a little more description
E.G "she had never even thought about lesbian sex, but she was enjoying it, neither the less.
Gatomon and Patamon both climaxed at the same time"
Theres quite a gap there with no build up to the climax, just a statement of what happened. Try adding more description to build up to big moments.
Example:
Patamon began to pant rapidly; every thrust he made brought him closer to his climax and his pace quickened everytime the tip of his manhood pushed back into his lover's tight hole. Gatomon was also closing in on her orgasm, her breaths getting heavier and faster as she felt the thick meat of the male penetrateher at phenomenal speed.
3. you mixed some RolePlay description in
" "No, we can't do it.."*moans loudly* patamon didn't finish his sentence
because gatomon was rubbing his crotch.
"now that's changed your mind hasn't it???" gatomon wispered in his ear" "
when really it should've been standard description or spoken in his sentence, because then it doesn't confuse your readers as to what they're reading, a lemon or a Roleplay.
Example:
"No, we can't do it..ooooh..." patamon didn't manage to finish his sentence
as gatomon was rubbing his crotch gently."
"now that's changed your mind hasn't it???" gatomon wispered in his ear
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