The Shadow of a Love (my first lemon, be nice guys ^_^)

[Wisemon]

There's a couple of different levels of writers, and clearly you're aiming for the top. Judging by your patient style, your complex narrative, and the trick that you used in the beginning (you pulled it off perfectly), you want to be one of the elite. That's good; you should take it seriously. First, you need to get your basics down. Watch your tenses, and don't overuse your metaphors and narrative descriptions. Metaphors separate the greatest from the good, but only when used sparingly or creatively. If you can manage to keep the same patient pace in your story, I think you might have something special. Also, the longer you hold it, the bigger the climax will be. Now there's a nice metaphor.