02-05-2004, 01:28 AM
Well, even though I'm not much a Takari/Patagato fan and so on, this is an OK piece of writing. The descriptions are mostly okay and there's a plot (not a very original one, but still, it just about works). I do have a number of issues with this, though.
1. - Most characters here seem to be somewhat out of, uh, character... Especially Veemon : P
2. - You change grammatical times quite a lot. The lemon starts out in the present ("she plans on throwing..."), and then suddenly changes to past for the bit when Patamon and Gatomon are in the Digiworld, even though it happens after the first bit (or that's how I understand it, anyway). After that you change to present again, and to and fro between the two grammatical times a number of times more throughout the rest of the lemon.
3. - You definitely need to work on your punctuation. You very often forget periods or commas, or write commas instead of periods, which screws up the flow of the text. Here's an example:
4. - Strange choices of words. Example: "Kari stood up half all last night". "Stood up" implies that she was actually standing the whole time, as in, she had no opportunity to sit down, which isn't the point, I think. Also, "half all"? Either it's half or all, but not both. It should've been "Kari stayed up for half of the night", or something like that. Stuff like this happens a couple of times throughout the lemon.
Still, it's not a bad effort altogether. I'd give it... hmm... 6,5/10, maybe. Or 7/10. Meh, I don't know. Anyway, my recommendation: Have someone spellcheck your lemons. That should get rid of the punctuation problem, at least. That and some practice should have you writing high-quality lemons in no time whatsoever. ; )
1. - Most characters here seem to be somewhat out of, uh, character... Especially Veemon : P
2. - You change grammatical times quite a lot. The lemon starts out in the present ("she plans on throwing..."), and then suddenly changes to past for the bit when Patamon and Gatomon are in the Digiworld, even though it happens after the first bit (or that's how I understand it, anyway). After that you change to present again, and to and fro between the two grammatical times a number of times more throughout the rest of the lemon.
3. - You definitely need to work on your punctuation. You very often forget periods or commas, or write commas instead of periods, which screws up the flow of the text. Here's an example:
Quote:Kari stood up half all last night cause in two days she plans on throwing Gatomon a sweet sixteen birthday party and she invited all her friends and the digimon and even extended a invitation to Mewtwo, Biyomon's loving boyfriend and partner, Kari sighed to herself since Biyomon found true love in Mewtwo and yet she wondered if TK will confess his feelings for her before Davis forces himself into her life, she looks at Gatomon who's asleep on the bed.And this is how it should be:
Quote:Kari was up for half the night, cause in two days she plans on throwing Gatomon a sweet sixteen birthday party and she invited all her friends and their digimon, and even extended an invitation to Mewtwo, Biyomon's loving boyfriend and partner. Kari sighed to herself since Biyomon found true love in Mewtwo, and yet she wondered if TK would confess his feelings for her before Davis forced himself into her life. She looks at Gatomon who's asleep on the bed.Also, while I'm at it -- using paragraphs more often also helps to make the text more readable. Especially before a new line of dialogue.
Quote:As in:
"Mewtwo, you know that hood isn't necessary," Kari says with a giggle, catching the psychic pokemon off his guard.
"Well Kari, I'd rather not startle the humans that live here," Mewtwo replies as he sits down on a chair.
instead of
"Mewtwo you know that hood isn't necessary" Kari says with a giggle catching the psychic pokemon off his guard "Well Kari, I rather not startle the humans that live here "Mewtwo replies as he sits down on a chair
4. - Strange choices of words. Example: "Kari stood up half all last night". "Stood up" implies that she was actually standing the whole time, as in, she had no opportunity to sit down, which isn't the point, I think. Also, "half all"? Either it's half or all, but not both. It should've been "Kari stayed up for half of the night", or something like that. Stuff like this happens a couple of times throughout the lemon.
Still, it's not a bad effort altogether. I'd give it... hmm... 6,5/10, maybe. Or 7/10. Meh, I don't know. Anyway, my recommendation: Have someone spellcheck your lemons. That should get rid of the punctuation problem, at least. That and some practice should have you writing high-quality lemons in no time whatsoever. ; )