09-11-2003, 12:10 AM
Ahu.
Okay, that was serious OOC bashing. I'm with BGAGTGAB here, that lemon would have been more believable if it hadn't pictured Davis as the Anti-Christ. I'm not sure, maybe this is good reading material for die-hard Takari fans. But I think the normal readers will frown at the extreme way Davis is presented here.
On the technical side:
The lack of punctuation gives people a hard time reading it and that leads to a faster reading pace so the lemon scene flies by in a single rush and you can't really make a pause to breathe and somehow it's hard to make sense out of all the actions and the timing is also tough and then you- *WHEEZE* *collapses*
See what I mean? Try finishing a sentence once in a while. Your lemon scene begins rather suddenly, and when people reach the orgasm line, they might ask themselves "What the heck has just happened?". You combine sentences with the word "as" a lot. That word usually implies that something is happening at the same time. For example:
- Gatomon starts to suck
- Patamon can feel his erection growing
- Gatomon CONTINUES to suck
- Patamon closes his eyes and moans
- Patamon touches Gatomon's pussy
ALL AT ONCE?
Summing it up, I suggest that you take some more time with the lemon scenes. Keep an eye on what happens at the same time and what happens after something else is completed. Structure your sentences accordingly.
Focusing on the theme: I have no problem with Veegato, Patagato, Takari or Daikari. I do have problems with senseless and exaggerated bashing.
Anybody who cheers for more bashing fics should be aware that there are also authors here who dislike Patamon and TK. So be careful; bashing works in both directions. Just cut it out, we can easily live without more bashing fics and potential flames. Just two Euro-Cents from an author who happens to like Davis a little bit. -_-
Okay, that was serious OOC bashing. I'm with BGAGTGAB here, that lemon would have been more believable if it hadn't pictured Davis as the Anti-Christ. I'm not sure, maybe this is good reading material for die-hard Takari fans. But I think the normal readers will frown at the extreme way Davis is presented here.
On the technical side:
Quote:He says with a smile as Gatomon smiles too as Patamon inserts his erect member into Gatomon’s mouth , Gatomon smiles as she starts to suck on it and lick it as Patamon can feel his erection get bigger as Gatomon continues to lick and suck on it as Patamon closes his eyes moaning from being pleasured as he starts to fondle Gatomon’s pussy as he starts to lick it and fondle it causing Gatomon to moan as well as Patamon smirks licking faster causing Gatomon to moan louder as her precum starts to leak out of her pussy as she sucks Patamon’s cock faster as Patamon squirts a little cum out in Gatomon’s mouth, Gatomon licks her lips as she swallows the cum as she sucks on Pata’s cock harder as she moans from Patamon licking her pussy , Patamon soon gets a idea as he changes positions with Gatomon so now his rock hard erection is in Gatomon’s soft pussy as he starts to ram her in a slow pace at first but he picks up speed as he continues ramming Gatomon faster and faster as he can feel his cum building up , Gatomon moans loudly then lets a scream in pain out as her hymen is impaled by Patamon’s errectionThis is... ONE sentence.
The lack of punctuation gives people a hard time reading it and that leads to a faster reading pace so the lemon scene flies by in a single rush and you can't really make a pause to breathe and somehow it's hard to make sense out of all the actions and the timing is also tough and then you- *WHEEZE* *collapses*
See what I mean? Try finishing a sentence once in a while. Your lemon scene begins rather suddenly, and when people reach the orgasm line, they might ask themselves "What the heck has just happened?". You combine sentences with the word "as" a lot. That word usually implies that something is happening at the same time. For example:
Quote:"Sure thing" Miyako said as she turned to face Daisuke.In your one-sentence-lemon-scene, a whole shitload of stuff seems to happen at once:
Quote:Gatomon smiles as she starts to suck on it and lick it as Patamon can feel his erection get bigger as Gatomon continues to lick and suck on it as Patamon closes his eyes moaning from being pleasured as he starts to fondle Gatomon’s pussy as he starts to lick it and fondle it- Gatomon smiles
- Gatomon starts to suck
- Patamon can feel his erection growing
- Gatomon CONTINUES to suck
- Patamon closes his eyes and moans
- Patamon touches Gatomon's pussy
ALL AT ONCE?
Summing it up, I suggest that you take some more time with the lemon scenes. Keep an eye on what happens at the same time and what happens after something else is completed. Structure your sentences accordingly.
Focusing on the theme: I have no problem with Veegato, Patagato, Takari or Daikari. I do have problems with senseless and exaggerated bashing.
Anybody who cheers for more bashing fics should be aware that there are also authors here who dislike Patamon and TK. So be careful; bashing works in both directions. Just cut it out, we can easily live without more bashing fics and potential flames. Just two Euro-Cents from an author who happens to like Davis a little bit. -_-