09-10-2003, 10:20 AM
... this is bad.
Just incredibly bad.
You bash Davis and Veemon constantly, up to having Angemon kill Exveemon and Takeru beating Davis up... not to mention how ridiculously out of character Davis and Veemon are.
The bashing is so relentless and obsessive that the story just isn't a lemon - it's a revenge fantasy with occasional spots of lemon here and there. In addition, the lemon scenes are rushed and unnatural.
In addition, everybody hates Davis - even Ken. You know... his jogress partner? The one that Davis/Daisuke gave a chance, when nobody else would? That Ken. He hates him... why?
That is not Davis - not even the dub Davis. He brags about getting a date with Kari yet cheats on her and calls her a whore behind her back. He abuses Kari so much she has to go to the hospital. That is also not Veemon. He threatens Patamon and Gatomon's "unborn children". (interesting phrase there)
This story is so incompetently written that I could not even make it through more than a handful of paragraphs. I couldn't even skim it.
In short, this is not a lemon - this is a revenge fantasy/wish fulfillment with a few (frankly) badly written "erotic" scenes.
I suggest a rewrite... WITHOUT the bashing.
Just incredibly bad.
You bash Davis and Veemon constantly, up to having Angemon kill Exveemon and Takeru beating Davis up... not to mention how ridiculously out of character Davis and Veemon are.
The bashing is so relentless and obsessive that the story just isn't a lemon - it's a revenge fantasy with occasional spots of lemon here and there. In addition, the lemon scenes are rushed and unnatural.
In addition, everybody hates Davis - even Ken. You know... his jogress partner? The one that Davis/Daisuke gave a chance, when nobody else would? That Ken. He hates him... why?
That is not Davis - not even the dub Davis. He brags about getting a date with Kari yet cheats on her and calls her a whore behind her back. He abuses Kari so much she has to go to the hospital. That is also not Veemon. He threatens Patamon and Gatomon's "unborn children". (interesting phrase there)
This story is so incompetently written that I could not even make it through more than a handful of paragraphs. I couldn't even skim it.
In short, this is not a lemon - this is a revenge fantasy/wish fulfillment with a few (frankly) badly written "erotic" scenes.
I suggest a rewrite... WITHOUT the bashing.