07-28-2003, 02:34 PM
I'm not sure if I'm understanding the topic or not. I know I have a lot of defense mechanisms I use so I don't have to deal with things in the world but I'm not sure if that's what you're getting at or not.
I've actually given a lot of thought to this, and concocted a few scenarios that I would gladly trade my currently life for in a heartbeat. I commonly go back to instances in my childhood and school years, and consider how my life would have gone different if I had taken a different turn or made different decisions. For example, I had a friend in middle school that I found myself strangely attracted to. He moved away in 9th grade but actually came back during my senior year. He was actually attending a different school at the time but was enrolled in a computer course at my school with a few other out-of-district students. I was in that class and over the course of that year I got to know him all over again and he was as wonderful as I had remembered him being back in middle school.
He was really affectionate to me but I never really knew how to interpret his actions. Either that, or I was too mortified by the thought that if I ever tried to let him know about my feelings for him, well, I'd start down a course that would lead me straight to hell. Either way, I wasn't too bright back then so I didn't take advantage of the fact that he was back in my life. At the end of the year I think he said goodbye to me and I was kind of dumbstruck as he left the classroom. I never got his number or asked him if he wanted to hang out during the summer or anything. I was too scared. I still think about him to this day and I imagine all the things we would have done together. Was he gay? Honestly, I don't know, but since when has that stopped anyone from fantasizing about a boy they like?
I think about other stuff too. I wish I hadn't quit Tae Kwon Do. I wish I had stuck with playing the guitar. I wish I had gone to a different college. I wish I would have stood up for what I believed more. It goes on and on. Now I'm so wrapped up in those thoughts that I really can't seem to move forward in my life. It's really frustrating.
But if you really want my fantasy life, well... I'm 16 and I'm homeless, living in a city with my boyfriend who's about the same age. We squat in abandoned buildings, occasionally getting to stay in people's homes. He draws manga art for money. I'm a professional breakdancer. We spend our days skateboarding down steep hills, holding each other by the beach, and sneaking into concerts. Later we become artists or a rock band or something. There's a million variations on the theme, but the most common thing about it is just being younger than I am now and having the chance to relive a period of my life that I feel like I wasted. Anyway, it's about a million degrees removed from where I am now, so dwelling in fantasies like that isn't going to do me any good.
If you want to get really wierd, I guess I wouldn't mind being a Digidestined. That would be cool.
I've actually given a lot of thought to this, and concocted a few scenarios that I would gladly trade my currently life for in a heartbeat. I commonly go back to instances in my childhood and school years, and consider how my life would have gone different if I had taken a different turn or made different decisions. For example, I had a friend in middle school that I found myself strangely attracted to. He moved away in 9th grade but actually came back during my senior year. He was actually attending a different school at the time but was enrolled in a computer course at my school with a few other out-of-district students. I was in that class and over the course of that year I got to know him all over again and he was as wonderful as I had remembered him being back in middle school.
He was really affectionate to me but I never really knew how to interpret his actions. Either that, or I was too mortified by the thought that if I ever tried to let him know about my feelings for him, well, I'd start down a course that would lead me straight to hell. Either way, I wasn't too bright back then so I didn't take advantage of the fact that he was back in my life. At the end of the year I think he said goodbye to me and I was kind of dumbstruck as he left the classroom. I never got his number or asked him if he wanted to hang out during the summer or anything. I was too scared. I still think about him to this day and I imagine all the things we would have done together. Was he gay? Honestly, I don't know, but since when has that stopped anyone from fantasizing about a boy they like?
I think about other stuff too. I wish I hadn't quit Tae Kwon Do. I wish I had stuck with playing the guitar. I wish I had gone to a different college. I wish I would have stood up for what I believed more. It goes on and on. Now I'm so wrapped up in those thoughts that I really can't seem to move forward in my life. It's really frustrating.
But if you really want my fantasy life, well... I'm 16 and I'm homeless, living in a city with my boyfriend who's about the same age. We squat in abandoned buildings, occasionally getting to stay in people's homes. He draws manga art for money. I'm a professional breakdancer. We spend our days skateboarding down steep hills, holding each other by the beach, and sneaking into concerts. Later we become artists or a rock band or something. There's a million variations on the theme, but the most common thing about it is just being younger than I am now and having the chance to relive a period of my life that I feel like I wasted. Anyway, it's about a million degrees removed from where I am now, so dwelling in fantasies like that isn't going to do me any good.
If you want to get really wierd, I guess I wouldn't mind being a Digidestined. That would be cool.