09-13-2006, 05:04 AM
Well, I've finally got 'round to doing this. Let's take a look.
I don't like the introduction. Is the town's name even Rwandian? They seem to prefer "y"s to "j"s, and "li" rather than "bi". The narration feels dry: would that really hold your interest? It's a drab and dull explaination of local economics that neglects to mention transport and also ignores the fact that if it were to grow it wouldn't be nearly so idealic. Well done on potatos though, but I'd make mention of coffe, or tea, maybe the growth of the soap and furature industries. The narration is boring, to put it plainly. It lacks personality, and feels more like an story for a year five geography class where the teacher has said "Okay: tell me about Rwanda, children. You could paint a picture, or write a story. The paper is over there." Okay, a high-level class, but below standards for anyone with more than a high "D" in GCSE grade English Litrature.
I see you've read the wikipedia entery on Rwanda's economy. That won't help you: you need to read accounts from people who've been there rather than look it up in an encycopedia in hope of being able to show an entire culture. It certainly wouldn't let you look at dialect.
I don't think he'd wear boots, as opposed to something sencible like nothing or sandles.
You wouldn't get strawaberries there. Too hot. Look to France for those.
"Tool of the gods"? Rwanada is 56.5% Catholic: less than 0.1% believe in "Original beliefs". There are no major polythesistic religions in Rwanda.
I don't know what you're saying about his teeth.
Rwanda is not known for it's thriving dental industry.
I don't realise it would be a Digimon fiction. Chibomon has some immediate personality.
Repeatition of "handgun". Doesn't sound good.
Here comes the gungho yankee supersoldier archetype. It bores me, more than anything. I'd rather see him run: it might actually give the sence that the rebles are threats and make me care, if you were to do it right. Currently, I know they're going to get their heads blown off, or some such.
Oh, I was right.
This guy is too experienced to be a civilian. He also has no personality, and, from what we've seen, no friends.
Terrorist? What are you talking about? What you've discribed is an insergent. Terrorists are little buggers who like to target crowded places with bombs, not guns. He's been a rebel for the rest of the time: why change now?
I don't know if Rwanda has parking tickets.
What's a "massive"?
How is it that an organised gurrilla trained band of soldiers would be out-gunned by a civilian?
The Digimon don't understand the process of Digivolution.
Yeah, this arguement strikes me as poorly thought-out and rather plain. People stick to their principles: they don't just get shouted at and do a complete philosphy change whilst sobbing a little. He'd go quiet, and say something vague like "But..." or "Never the less..."
So, no-one's slightly freaked out by the talking lizard?
I don't really like this story. It's a macho and boring "Us and them: one man aghainst the odds!" story where the villians aren't given any really juustification for their actions, because they're inherently evil. They'd have some kind of misguided motivation that would be backed up by their system of ethics, certainly. The only one with any personality is Veemon. The hero certainly has none: I can't even remember his name. He just swears a lot when he's in a sticky situation and saves children. Honestly, I think an insergent would have adopted it and taught it all about why they fight, and trained it as a soldier. Overall, it's just not my thing. War stories never were.
I don't like the introduction. Is the town's name even Rwandian? They seem to prefer "y"s to "j"s, and "li" rather than "bi". The narration feels dry: would that really hold your interest? It's a drab and dull explaination of local economics that neglects to mention transport and also ignores the fact that if it were to grow it wouldn't be nearly so idealic. Well done on potatos though, but I'd make mention of coffe, or tea, maybe the growth of the soap and furature industries. The narration is boring, to put it plainly. It lacks personality, and feels more like an story for a year five geography class where the teacher has said "Okay: tell me about Rwanda, children. You could paint a picture, or write a story. The paper is over there." Okay, a high-level class, but below standards for anyone with more than a high "D" in GCSE grade English Litrature.
I see you've read the wikipedia entery on Rwanda's economy. That won't help you: you need to read accounts from people who've been there rather than look it up in an encycopedia in hope of being able to show an entire culture. It certainly wouldn't let you look at dialect.
I don't think he'd wear boots, as opposed to something sencible like nothing or sandles.
You wouldn't get strawaberries there. Too hot. Look to France for those.
"Tool of the gods"? Rwanada is 56.5% Catholic: less than 0.1% believe in "Original beliefs". There are no major polythesistic religions in Rwanda.
I don't know what you're saying about his teeth.
Rwanda is not known for it's thriving dental industry.
I don't realise it would be a Digimon fiction. Chibomon has some immediate personality.
Repeatition of "handgun". Doesn't sound good.
Here comes the gungho yankee supersoldier archetype. It bores me, more than anything. I'd rather see him run: it might actually give the sence that the rebles are threats and make me care, if you were to do it right. Currently, I know they're going to get their heads blown off, or some such.
Oh, I was right.
This guy is too experienced to be a civilian. He also has no personality, and, from what we've seen, no friends.
Terrorist? What are you talking about? What you've discribed is an insergent. Terrorists are little buggers who like to target crowded places with bombs, not guns. He's been a rebel for the rest of the time: why change now?
I don't know if Rwanda has parking tickets.
What's a "massive"?
How is it that an organised gurrilla trained band of soldiers would be out-gunned by a civilian?
The Digimon don't understand the process of Digivolution.
Yeah, this arguement strikes me as poorly thought-out and rather plain. People stick to their principles: they don't just get shouted at and do a complete philosphy change whilst sobbing a little. He'd go quiet, and say something vague like "But..." or "Never the less..."
So, no-one's slightly freaked out by the talking lizard?
I don't really like this story. It's a macho and boring "Us and them: one man aghainst the odds!" story where the villians aren't given any really juustification for their actions, because they're inherently evil. They'd have some kind of misguided motivation that would be backed up by their system of ethics, certainly. The only one with any personality is Veemon. The hero certainly has none: I can't even remember his name. He just swears a lot when he's in a sticky situation and saves children. Honestly, I think an insergent would have adopted it and taught it all about why they fight, and trained it as a soldier. Overall, it's just not my thing. War stories never were.