05-06-2003, 05:15 AM
Hate to say it, but this fict didn't do much for me.
The base problem is that for something that appears to aim for dark flippant comedy, we only see some of it in Davis's scene. Kari doesn't bothered at all by the idea that she had sex with Tai, and neither is Tai.
If you're trying to make us laugh at their misfortune, we have to feel that it's something they don't want. Adding some more discription would help a lot.
Here's an example:
Tai: *looks down at T.K.* Getting a little touchy aren't we. Care to move your hand down a little further south?
T.K.: Eyes lock on Tai's cock and realization pierces his clouded mind. His ass is sore! He vomits all over Tai. White foam from the upchuck drips from Tai's hard penis and he spews again figuring out what the white spunk was.
Tai: Throtles T.K. again.
Also, Kari doing 'can't remember? We got drunk!' is plausible, though from Matt's band parties, Tai probably knows that wasn't alcohol that was dumped into the punch. Especially after finding others who ended up having unplanned sex. Their are drugs that will do this, but alcohol isn't one of them
I know characterization means shit in a flippant comedy, but for once in one of these I'd like to see TK and Kari being somewhat in character and Davis NOT getting bashed. Put Matt in Jun's hot seat and have Tai leave him behind for dumping him for Sora.
The base problem is that for something that appears to aim for dark flippant comedy, we only see some of it in Davis's scene. Kari doesn't bothered at all by the idea that she had sex with Tai, and neither is Tai.
If you're trying to make us laugh at their misfortune, we have to feel that it's something they don't want. Adding some more discription would help a lot.
Here's an example:
Tai: *looks down at T.K.* Getting a little touchy aren't we. Care to move your hand down a little further south?
T.K.: Eyes lock on Tai's cock and realization pierces his clouded mind. His ass is sore! He vomits all over Tai. White foam from the upchuck drips from Tai's hard penis and he spews again figuring out what the white spunk was.
Tai: Throtles T.K. again.
Also, Kari doing 'can't remember? We got drunk!' is plausible, though from Matt's band parties, Tai probably knows that wasn't alcohol that was dumped into the punch. Especially after finding others who ended up having unplanned sex. Their are drugs that will do this, but alcohol isn't one of them
I know characterization means shit in a flippant comedy, but for once in one of these I'd like to see TK and Kari being somewhat in character and Davis NOT getting bashed. Put Matt in Jun's hot seat and have Tai leave him behind for dumping him for Sora.