09-06-2006, 07:48 AM
I understand that there are different types of stares and that flat and piercing are not synonyms even in that context. I still feel that a piercing stare is more suitable in thtat context, as Renamon has just been accused (implicitly) of lying about Digimon having no division of gender. A flat stare to me is one more of mild indifference or perhaps slight amusement. This would probably not be appropriate to Renamon in a situtation where she's just been called a liar.
As for your happy bubble, I said this thread is fine as long as it stays on the topic of drabbles and discussion of the drabbles posted within it. And even though they aren't my style, they aren't bad drabbles. I just prefer characterization drabbles to narrative drabbles in my writing.
Had I written your drabble above, it would have probably been Renamon's POV, and told how she felt at the implicit accusation. Instead your made it a comedy narrative drabble in execution and style, while mine might have been something like:
"Renamon sat in a chair, calm and meditating, when she heard a sudden gasp. 'So you are a girl," Rumiko stated flatly." The prior would show that Ruki's mother is not taken by surprise, but already suspected it, which is my take on the whole situation.
"Renamon opened her eyes halfway, a piercing stare directed at her adversary." This sets up emotion. She's just been accused of lying, which she admittedly did in this case, and doesn't like that.
"Rumiko smiled gently. 'You're bleeding.'" A simple thing without laughing which is a perceived gloating. Let the reader decide whether or not she's gloating, the words here are too precious to waste on another character.
"She paused at those words and moved one paw to her crotch, fully aware of what the human meant. The warmth and moistness weren't unusual, but as she raised her paw to look at it, she was struck by the sight of the blood." This gives us a look at her method of checking. She's a warrior, she won't be distracted from a stare by something as trivial as looking at menstruation.
"Accused in truth, she hesistated with the words she needed to say. 'Why so I am, mother.'" This gives us another insight of how Renamon perceives Ruki's family (in my mind) and of her pride. She said something and was wrong, but that doesn't mean she wishes to admit it.
Note that my version there comes to the requisite 100 words, whereas yours falls 18 words short with a mere 82 words. By definition, a drabble is 100 words, neither more nor less. But it was still entertaining, so don't feel I'm bashing it just because it's not my style. I'm bashing it because it's a sketch more than a drabble (word requirement on drabbles). For fun, here's my version presented unbroken by commenting.
As for your happy bubble, I said this thread is fine as long as it stays on the topic of drabbles and discussion of the drabbles posted within it. And even though they aren't my style, they aren't bad drabbles. I just prefer characterization drabbles to narrative drabbles in my writing.
Had I written your drabble above, it would have probably been Renamon's POV, and told how she felt at the implicit accusation. Instead your made it a comedy narrative drabble in execution and style, while mine might have been something like:
"Renamon sat in a chair, calm and meditating, when she heard a sudden gasp. 'So you are a girl," Rumiko stated flatly." The prior would show that Ruki's mother is not taken by surprise, but already suspected it, which is my take on the whole situation.
"Renamon opened her eyes halfway, a piercing stare directed at her adversary." This sets up emotion. She's just been accused of lying, which she admittedly did in this case, and doesn't like that.
"Rumiko smiled gently. 'You're bleeding.'" A simple thing without laughing which is a perceived gloating. Let the reader decide whether or not she's gloating, the words here are too precious to waste on another character.
"She paused at those words and moved one paw to her crotch, fully aware of what the human meant. The warmth and moistness weren't unusual, but as she raised her paw to look at it, she was struck by the sight of the blood." This gives us a look at her method of checking. She's a warrior, she won't be distracted from a stare by something as trivial as looking at menstruation.
"Accused in truth, she hesistated with the words she needed to say. 'Why so I am, mother.'" This gives us another insight of how Renamon perceives Ruki's family (in my mind) and of her pride. She said something and was wrong, but that doesn't mean she wishes to admit it.
Note that my version there comes to the requisite 100 words, whereas yours falls 18 words short with a mere 82 words. By definition, a drabble is 100 words, neither more nor less. But it was still entertaining, so don't feel I'm bashing it just because it's not my style. I'm bashing it because it's a sketch more than a drabble (word requirement on drabbles). For fun, here's my version presented unbroken by commenting.
Nate Hunter Wrote:Renamon sat in a chair, calm and meditating, when she heard a sudden gasp. 'So you are a girl," Rumiko stated flatly. Renamon opened her eyes halfway, a piercing stare directed at her adversary.
Rumiko smiled gently. 'You're bleeding.'
She paused at those words and moved one paw to her crotch, fully aware of what the human meant. The warmth and moistness weren't unusual, but as she raised her paw to look at it, she was struck by the sight of the blood.
Accused in truth, she hesistated with the words she needed to say. "Why so I am, mother."