09-06-2006, 02:16 AM
Well unfortunately, this critique will crush that E-penis of yours...
1) Your opening scene doesn't really seem to strike off the page and gather my interest. In this case, you shouldn't limit your opening description to one paragraph. Each piece of setting offered in that paragraph could be expanded tenfold, a picutre within themselves, to establish a relative mood within this small community.
Detail setting:
What kind of crops were harvested?
How is the town isolated? (Physical Geography)
What kind of shops are there?
*Now you can show this in several ways; through the narrator, the author (you), or through the character. Considering your character starts sitting outside his home, I suggest you fix the perspective through his eyes.*
2) The vendor seemed a bit bland. When Domaco meets this vendor, he sneses something special (or mysterious) about him, however, you never instill to the reader WHAT makes the vendor stand out. This involves some good characterization.
For Example:
He (the vendor) smelled of exposed iron. The sweat glistening his forehead odered of rain water siphoning from an industrial plant, heavy metallic, drifting in the summer wafts. His bottle-green tunic was soaked in it. When he made eye contact with Domaco, he grinned, stuffed his soled thumbs inside his straw belt loops.
*Its very vague, yes, but it try's to establish a unique impression that character leaves on the protagonist and that unto the reader.*
3) Your action scenes are too long. Most of them have monotonous sentences; sentences structures that repeat on a continuous basis. They seem overloaded with information as well. Take for instance the Browning Pistol Domaco uses: the author gave us the exact pistol type, which to some readers may find a bit boring and plain, sometimes a bit frusturated that they have to look up google to see what it looks like. There's no need to get into serious specificities such as model type (or serial number). Just write that it's a Springfield Bolt-Action, Beretta, Deasert Eagle, or MP5 Navy, something that is simplistic to the reader.
Now for your action scenes. Beware of the word 'as' in writing, for it weakens the effect of the sentence and is often used in the wrong way. Take for instance: 'His handgun jerked twice as a pair of .45 slugs exited the gun and dug themselves into the insurgent
1) Your opening scene doesn't really seem to strike off the page and gather my interest. In this case, you shouldn't limit your opening description to one paragraph. Each piece of setting offered in that paragraph could be expanded tenfold, a picutre within themselves, to establish a relative mood within this small community.
Detail setting:
What kind of crops were harvested?
How is the town isolated? (Physical Geography)
What kind of shops are there?
*Now you can show this in several ways; through the narrator, the author (you), or through the character. Considering your character starts sitting outside his home, I suggest you fix the perspective through his eyes.*
2) The vendor seemed a bit bland. When Domaco meets this vendor, he sneses something special (or mysterious) about him, however, you never instill to the reader WHAT makes the vendor stand out. This involves some good characterization.
For Example:
He (the vendor) smelled of exposed iron. The sweat glistening his forehead odered of rain water siphoning from an industrial plant, heavy metallic, drifting in the summer wafts. His bottle-green tunic was soaked in it. When he made eye contact with Domaco, he grinned, stuffed his soled thumbs inside his straw belt loops.
*Its very vague, yes, but it try's to establish a unique impression that character leaves on the protagonist and that unto the reader.*
3) Your action scenes are too long. Most of them have monotonous sentences; sentences structures that repeat on a continuous basis. They seem overloaded with information as well. Take for instance the Browning Pistol Domaco uses: the author gave us the exact pistol type, which to some readers may find a bit boring and plain, sometimes a bit frusturated that they have to look up google to see what it looks like. There's no need to get into serious specificities such as model type (or serial number). Just write that it's a Springfield Bolt-Action, Beretta, Deasert Eagle, or MP5 Navy, something that is simplistic to the reader.
Now for your action scenes. Beware of the word 'as' in writing, for it weakens the effect of the sentence and is often used in the wrong way. Take for instance: 'His handgun jerked twice as a pair of .45 slugs exited the gun and dug themselves into the insurgent