09-06-2006, 12:25 AM
I already have a drabble thread for myself, but I guess a convenient place for anybody to post drabbles is fair as well. Also, Circeus has a right to use the "Circeus's Drabbles" thread for his own drabbles without being interrupted by others. Unless this thread gets horribly derailed, I'll not do anything about it. So let's keep it on topic with authors posting their drabbles, and feedback on those drabbles.
Neither of these drabbles is particularly my style of drabble storytelling, to be fair.
PokePimp, I find yours a bit too bland, not to mention the one obvious spelling error ("occasional" has no "t" in it) and the oblique and vague anime action reference (if being used as a verb, I recommend "sweatdropped" or "sweat-dropped"; "sweat dropped" is a noun and verb, not a verb). In place of "sweat-dropped", find a more fitting word; I would recommend "Her eyes widened and dealt. . ." rather than "She sweat dropped while giving. . .", perhaps even replacing "flat stare" with "piercing stare" (although this would indicate her eyes narrowing rather than widening...). I don't want to try and dictate your wording, but "Sweat-dropped" is not an actual behaviour, and is generally not in keeping with the relatively serious tone of Tamers. A more general look at various characteristics of face faults may provide better ways to describe them than the use of slippery terminology.
Ghost_Op, while bland, there's only so much spice that 100 words can allow for. It's certainly a romantic situation and normal for a shy person, however Veemon has never struck me as such a shy person. This scene feels more like Patamon, but with the years he's known Gatomon he'd be more worried about hurting their friendship by dating than with shyness about asking her. I find the "romantically" to be a sort of airy word here thrown in for an attempt at flavor, but here's a question: Could a more accurate word be chosen here? My preference would have been for "tenderly", which is a more clear and "taste-filled" word for the situation. Other words that might fit well are "gently", "softly", or "lightly" (though the last is an airy word, it still conveys the idea more clearly than "romantically").
Neither of these drabbles is particularly my style of drabble storytelling, to be fair.
PokePimp, I find yours a bit too bland, not to mention the one obvious spelling error ("occasional" has no "t" in it) and the oblique and vague anime action reference (if being used as a verb, I recommend "sweatdropped" or "sweat-dropped"; "sweat dropped" is a noun and verb, not a verb). In place of "sweat-dropped", find a more fitting word; I would recommend "Her eyes widened and dealt. . ." rather than "She sweat dropped while giving. . .", perhaps even replacing "flat stare" with "piercing stare" (although this would indicate her eyes narrowing rather than widening...). I don't want to try and dictate your wording, but "Sweat-dropped" is not an actual behaviour, and is generally not in keeping with the relatively serious tone of Tamers. A more general look at various characteristics of face faults may provide better ways to describe them than the use of slippery terminology.
Ghost_Op, while bland, there's only so much spice that 100 words can allow for. It's certainly a romantic situation and normal for a shy person, however Veemon has never struck me as such a shy person. This scene feels more like Patamon, but with the years he's known Gatomon he'd be more worried about hurting their friendship by dating than with shyness about asking her. I find the "romantically" to be a sort of airy word here thrown in for an attempt at flavor, but here's a question: Could a more accurate word be chosen here? My preference would have been for "tenderly", which is a more clear and "taste-filled" word for the situation. Other words that might fit well are "gently", "softly", or "lightly" (though the last is an airy word, it still conveys the idea more clearly than "romantically").