My AU of Red Rover's End Game story

[cboy]

Okay, what should I call them, then?

I'm guessing a Pokeball.

You guess wrong.

I'll say this: If David were really a badass, he would've beaten those guys without a knife

Then people would really find my character unbelievable.

[cboy]

Next part is here; hit me with your best shot, boys. Same disclaimer as before.


In another part of the Digital World, in a small city, a green beam of light suddenly appeared out of nowhere. An instant later, David came flying out and landed on the ground with dull THUD!! Then the green beam vanished. David climbed to his feet and dusted himself off.

[Marine]

-First thing's first. Your setting lacks any imagination whatsoever. 'A deserted city' is ambiguous and vague to start with, more over, it's a classical stereotype that leaves me bored. It fells alot like Wisemon's stories, passages with little or no narritive description to give a reader a sense of place within a writer's world, which can put off alot of readers.

Setting influences alot of things inside a story. The core reason is to give a sense of place within your Lead's world. A secondary reason is to set an atmosphere or tone to give your reader a certain mood towards your story. A third, which I consider reasonable, is establishing credibility towards your world, making it believable.

How does the city look. What conclusions can your character generate. When is this happening?

I will not let nother writer fall into the deadly Wisemon Trap (technically called the stagnant screen)!

- Your fight scenes seem kind of boring. Throughout the entire fight I don't think Delta Cody lands a blow on him (I'm not counting the kick the gut, since David recovered anyway), which also waters down the credibility--therealism--of David's techniques. Its hard to believe that he would be left unscathed from sword wounds after an assault from an experienced Kendo and Martial Arts adversary.

When in an action scene, keep the persepctive on one person. Bouncing the camera around in a high-tempo environment confuses the reader and makes them lose interest. I myself had to re-read several lines to make sure I was following the right character.

[cboy]

I admit my setting descriptions still need work.

I can redo the scene and have Delta land some hits. This story is far from finished, so don't think what you're looking at is the final product.

I figured it wouldn't be a good fight scene if I only focused on one character. Most books I've read that involved sword-fighting scenes (Star Wars, Batman Begins) described all the particpants' actions.

[Anonmon]

I think I've figured out why David can kick everyone's asses. He's an Agent, and the entire story takes place inside the Matrix, which Emperor Izzy has taken over.

[cboy]

:roll: Keep guessing.

[Wisemon]

It fells alot like Wisemon's stories, passages with little or no narritive description to give a reader a sense of place within a writer's world, which can put off alot of readers.

If this were my style, there would be euphony, foreshadowing, and complex metaphors, and the fight scenes would be a lot more interesting.

[Marine]

If this were my style, there would be euphony, foreshadowing, and complex metaphors

It would. However, in the genre depicted the need for glitsy glamour and why-the-red-wheel-barrow-gives-the-little-boy-nightmares symbolism, and how a pimple relates to the Himalayas and Sally Struthers is irrelevant.

This genre needs a definitive picture of the world. A world of atmosphere that diffuses the lines of fiction into reality, where cold is no longer white, but weak grey.

the fight scenes would be a lot more interesting.

... I'd stick with the why-the-red-wheel-barrow-gives-the-little-boy-nightmares symbolism, and how a pimple relates to the Himalayas and Sally Struthers points and leave the skin cleaving to us proffesionals who've had experience in those kind of things....

[Wisemon]

... I'd stick with the why-the-red-wheel-barrow-gives-the-little-boy-nightmares symbolism, and how a pimple relates to the Himalayas and Sally Struthers points and leave the skin cleaving to us proffesionals who've had experience in those kind of things....

Is that right? Have you ever submitted a guy who was your experience superior five times in a row in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu? Learn how the professionals fight, and you start to write better fight scenes.

[cboy]

If you guys are going to argue, take it somewhere else. I need help with this story and I'm not about to see this thread locked.