I'm going to post up the story in sections rather than all at once since I'm still tweaking it. Feedback is much appreciated, as a story can never be too good. Also, I'm still technically a beginner when it comes to writing stories, so forgive me if it looks crappy (A proofreader would be much appreciated).
Disclaimer: Digimon does not belong to me. And this story owes it's creation to Red Rover's magnificent "End Game" series.
Ever since that damn revolution against the Council, things have become harder for a guy to survive in this hell. Especially with those fucking spires. These thoughts ran through the mind of a young teenage boy as he stealthfully traveled down a ravaged city block, making sure to stay in the shadows.
The teenager had definatly seen better days. He was dressed in a pair of dirty blue jeans, a black shirt that had long slashes on it that revealed his bare chest and back, and a pair of black and green combat boots. He wasn
There's alot of things that need massive tinkering in my opinion, maybe a complete clean-through as well.
1.) Your character sounds like your typical Gary Stue, masculine stereotype. Nothing can ever really hurt him. He excels at wielding a weapon. He can take down three men and almost an Ultimate digimon without being weathered. This is rather boring to me. It seems like there's no entire weakness to your character at all, not a subtle quirk, not even the mark on his hand.
2) There's too many 'was's and 'has's. These verbs lack action. Usually, 'was' is used for the subject recieving the action. Sometimes 'was' is used to state obvious fact. In this case, there's too many useless verbs where better ones could be.
That's all I can think of now....
Marine Wrote:There's alot of things that need massive tinkering in my opinion, maybe a complete clean-through as well.
1.) Your character sounds like your typical Gary Stue, masculine stereotype. Nothing can ever really hurt him. He excels at wielding a weapon. He can take down three men and almost an Ultimate digimon without being weathered. This is rather boring to me. It seems like there's no entire weakness to your character at all, not a subtle quirk, not even the mark on his hand.
2) There's too many 'was's and 'has's. These verbs lack action. Usually, 'was' is used for the subject recieving the action. Sometimes 'was' is used to state obvious fact. In this case, there's too many useless verbs where better ones could be.
That's all I can think of now....
2.Agreed.
1.Given that we're in the second End Game universe, I'm wondering if Izzy accidentally fathered a son. That's all I can think of to pass off this kind of power.
3.I'm sorry, but your Epsilon needs work. Ever crafty Epsilon barely ever needs to resort to pure and direct violence. She uses her sleeping powder in the end of this chapter, and in my opinion she should have either done that first, or subdued David, fucked him (one of the few characters who would fuck so randomly, and Red Rover's caught a lot of flak for that), and then powdered him. She would not have fought to a standstill.
You'll find out later why he's able to take on those odds. And it's not that nothing hurts him, he's just able to ignore it.
As I said, I'm a beginner, and I'm actually looking for critics so I can improve. That's why I posted the story. I had no illusions as to the responses I would get about it.
Quote:3.I'm sorry, but your Epsilon needs work. Ever crafty Epsilon barely ever needs to resort to pure and direct violence. She uses her sleeping powder in the end of this chapter, and in my opinion she should have either done that first, or subdued David, fucked him (one of the few characters who would fuck so randomly, and Red Rover's caught a lot of flak for that), and then powdered him. She would not have fought to a standstill.
I was basing it off how she got Cody, only my character was able to fight back. And when I first started this story, I was, for lack of better terms, asexual, so there wasn't really any drive to put in any sex.
Quote:1.Given that we're in the second End Game universe, I'm wondering if Izzy accidentally fathered a son. That's all I can think of to pass off this kind of power.
I really need to be more clear on things. This AU doesn't follow Red Rover's storyline except for Izzy's rise to power; the digidestined aren't brought into this reality. And my character will have special powers, but he's not related to Izzy in any way.
cboy Wrote:I was basing it off how she got Cody, only my character was able to fight back. And when I first started this story, I was, for lack of better terms, asexual, so there wasn't really any drive to put in any sex. That doesn't matter. Sluttiness is a basic part of Epsilon's character, and removing it makes her a different character. Please, either write her as a slut, or write another character.
Quote:I really need to be more clear on things. This AU doesn't follow Red Rover's storyline except for Izzy's rise to power; the digidestined aren't brought into this reality. And my character will have special powers, but he's not related to Izzy in any way.
Then David really is a Gary Stue, and you need to take away some of his powers. Strength and speed to take out muggers, I can accept from a street urchin character. Crater-forming punches and the strength and reflexes to fight a well-honed ultimate Digimon, I have a problem with.
Okay, okay, just chill. In my story, Izzy sends her with strict orders to bring my character to him, which means right away. My character says he isn't going without a fight, which Epsilon takes as an invitation and accepts.
Still, I could probably change the part where she stands over him after punching him out and make her start to fuck him, only to have him wake up and her find out he was faking. And don't worry, her sluttiness will come into play very heavily later on in the story.
Another thing I forgot to mention; in this AU, Gatomon is Alpha rather than Piedmon. I felt she was more deserving of the title.
Quote:Then David really is a Gary Stue, and you need to take away some of his powers. Strength and speed to take out muggers, I can accept from a street urchin character. Crater-forming punches and the strength and reflexes to fight a well-honed ultimate Digimon, I have a problem with.
As I said, his unique abilities will be explained later on. And it was Epsilon's fists that formed craters in this chapter, not my character's. And considering he's been living out in the kind of world Red Rover has Izzy turn the earth into, I don't see why it's so surprising he's developed strength and good reflexes. It's simply him adapting to his environment.
And other than all this, how is the story looking? Does it have potential? With the proper help, can it become a good story?
I *am* chilling. This is my relaxed, natural tone of voice for criticizing writing.
You are right about whose fists formed the crater, but that still testifies against David's power. No human can fight an Ultimate Digimon, let alone a practiced and experienced one like Epsilon, alone. Period.
Overally, I think you need to move the plot along and introduce more characters. I much agree that Gatomon makes the better Alpha, and in fact think that Red Rover planned her ascension to that throne all along.
Here's the next part. Once again, digimon doesn't belong to me and I apologize for the crappyness of the story.
A few hours later
Don't PM me, but you better have a fucking good reason. Nobody fighting alone, and I mean nobody, comes even that close to hurting Emperor Izzy.
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