Through the Fire and Flame

[Nate Hunter]

I'm opening my works up to review by the Review Team at their discretion. I will admit some of this is not my current caliber of work, however I will still listen to the reviews given my older pieces.

http://digiartistsdomain.org/lemons/natehunter/

The approximate age of the works there... well, Sexy Angel of Light is one of my older ones. Probably circa 2001 or 2002 there... Digi-Slutz would probably be the next oldest series. I can definitely trace "Load This!" back to late February of 2003, and I think I had begun both Future Lives and The Digital Matrix by that point. My latest work is the later chapters of the Lost Light series and the first chapter of Play The Game. So if you want to go through my work chronologically, or just look at the old stuff, you have some idea of where to look for it now.

All of these stories have recently been proofread and spell-checked, or at least, will have been following the next update. In the meantime, I volunteer myself to review one of them tomorrow evening. Because I'm ashamed at a few of these, myself, I will be reviewing Digimon Side Trek: Sexy Angel of Light. Following the update, my most recent work will actually be Daisuke's Future Life, the fourth chapter of the Future Lives series.

Note: Digi-Slutz has already been GAFFed, and I was honored by it -- especially since it happened after I joined their forums. If you think there may be some way I could salvage it from the trainwreck I feel it's become, please feel free, but unless I can do that, the series is on indefinite suspension, and can be considered "Canceled".

[Nate Hunter]

Come on! Take your chance and burn me! I won't take it personally, my oldies suck... why just take a look at this one:

Scoring Guidelines:

PLOT (1-20 points)
Plot design, overall creativity, unexpectedness, twists and turns, etc.

CHARACTER (1-20 points)
The ability to capture personality, so they're not all mindless automaton droids.

LEMON (1-20 points)
Need I explain this to you?

QUALITY (1-20 points)
Simply how well it is written, descriptions, lack of overdoing it, etc.

SEMANTICS (1-20 points)
Last but not least, a lemon can be good... if you can understand what the hell they're saying.

Nate Hunter's "Sexy Angel of Light"

Reviewed by Nate Hunter - 4 years later.
Comments as the author are in parentheses, comments as reviewer are not.

Plot: 1/20

Ostensibly this flows from a series, however to a reader not versed in the series (which admittedly is not available up to the point from which this story stems), this seems like an obvious set-up (and it is). The plot is that these two kids have sex with their Digimon. Yep, that's about it.

Character: 0/20

Honestly, if I could score this negative, I would. Here's the basic summary of character in this fic --

Genki - horny boy seeing hot woman
Kenmon>Angewomon - male, turned horny woman, seeing moderately attractive boy
Ben - horny GAY boy, potentially a danger-phile
Judamon - turns gay for his partner

Seriously, there's no significant characterization and no obvious redeeming qualities.

Semantics: 17/20

Seriously one of the few non-sucky points in this story. Generally speaking, Hunter demonstrated a good grasp of English and fundamental writing skills with this fic. Punctuation is fairly accurate and paints (an accurate, to me) a picture of what the characters are saying. Fanbrat japanese makes me wince, and glad it's only one line.

Quality: 8/20

The writing is mediocre at best, while the scenes are far too short to engage a serious reader -- though perhaps some of them could stand alone as "flash fiction". The point of view seems to change too often even within the scenes as well, which destracts from what immersion there is.

Lemon Scenes: 3/20 and 0/20, average 2/20

The first lemon scene doesn't even exist, but it should (Hey! I was anti-yaoi at the time, and had no desire to write it!) because it leaves the story hanging. At least it's half-justified by Pinocchimon's switching the channel...

The second is almost formulaic for a lemon or hentai, with the two supposed virgins being relative experts. Beyond that it's not engaging nor does it even feel appealing to me (at this point in time; back then it was totally hot to me).

Final score: 28/100

This story REALLY needs work.
(I'll admit it! It does... but that's all back-work, setting the characters up prior to this point so that they can behave in an in-character fashion during these events. Presumably if this is ever re-written, it will include the missing Ben/Judamon scene and will probably turn up the experience of the Angewomon/Genki scene a bit.)

[DragonMasterX]

Okay, Nate, I'm going to review your "Load This!" Guil/Rena story, now; let's see what we have here...

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This shouldn't be happening. That is what I keep telling myself, every time I see him. My mistress hates him, and I should be doing as she desires. She has always kept me satisfied before, so why do I now long after the forbidden? She doesn't like me to look at men. She views it a weakness, a fault in me.

Perhaps she is right. I was meant for battle, not love. I should be strong, not falling head over heels for a rival. Even a rival as child-like as he should not cause me even the least hesitation, but whenever we fight, I find myself wanting more. I should not feel this way. Yet I do.

Perhaps I have been misguided.

"Renamon, you were sloppy out there today."

"I am sorry, mistress." Renamon did not look at the red-haired girl she served, she was not worthy of it. "Something distracted me."

Renamon is as cold as Ruki, they treat themselves with most respect and all, including Renamon being a mere servant for her tamer, but I'm certain the digimon never calls her ''mistress'' but ''Rika/Ruki'' when she talks to her directly. Like when Ruki says: "Renamon." and Renamon appears and simply answers: "Yes, Ruki?"

"You aren't Takato," he said, tilting his head to one side as he looked at her. "Oh, I remember! We played last time, right?"

This isn't wrong, really, but shouldn't it be better to let Guilmon act naiver? Maybe it sounds exageratting, but he tends to call Takato: "Takatomon." a lot in the beggining. It'd be better to make him seem even more childy than he already is.

Well, now I'll score according to your guideline, then.

Plot: 15/20.

I kind of enjoyed this story's plot particularly, it was nice seeing Renamon showing a weakness for the first time, even though short and fast, it was clear what this story meant.

Character: Before a grade, I'll analize the characters in deep.

Renamon: Ohh... she's in a fight between OOC an IC in this story, for one, she acts as submissive as she would in the series, but yet again, she wouldn't even matter if Guilmon touched her, she'd be dominant all the way even if she WANTED him. To place it short, if Guilmon touched her without permission, he'd be glued to the nearest wall with a mark in his eye/face/chest/crotch(ouch).

Guilmon: I'll tell you the truth, this characterization, according to the series, was REALLY out of character. Guilmon wasn't set as naive as he really is, and how is that he knows what to do with an erection, but suddenly cums without knowing what might be coming out from his cock? Besides, you say he's pervert, wrong, he's naive and completely blind to his surroundings, as most people have charted him, he's merely an ignorant child.

Ruki: She actually was the only one in pure characterization, I liked her reaction when Renamon suggested a sneak attack; it would have been something I'd actually expect her doing.

Score: 8/20.

Lemon: 5/20. This actually didn't go bad, but didn't do good either. The story plot went good, but the plot for the sex scene was spontaneous, actually, they were supposed to fight, when suddenly, a horny perverted Guilmon just jumped on her, suddenly had an erection at hand/claw, and then he loaded Renamon with cum withouth actually ''knowing'' if that's what he meant doing. Yes, he must have been doing it just because he wanted to know what was he doing, and he was ''winning'' against her, but... how the heck could he start in the first place without actually knowing what he was about to do? I know maybe Guilmon was ''mature'' here, but you should have at least explained that with some background, but no, it went totally fast.

Semantics: 16/20. You have an ability with the word using, you have an extent vocabulary to define and create your own phrases, and in a semantic view of your writing, I'll say you did a good job overall.

Quality: 9/20. Descriptions... descriptions... well, I really didn't find much of them according to what the characters would look like. But if we go in deep, like when you described the place where the story actually takes place, then that's a totally different thing, the whole scenario is well described as well as the fight scenes, it was good, and not over-acted, though I would actually have added backgrounds to this story, many things are unclear at simple views.

Total Score: 53/100.

I'll be sincere, you literally didn't put much inspiration and dedication to the whole story, yes, the phrases and writing is good, but what about the background? It was a mere story of: Fight/Conflict/Doubts/Fight/Fight(2)/Sex/End. It didn't really flow in the way as expected, though it's a very nice story, it just hasn't met it's true potential, which you might be able to draw out easily, you are of a very good quality writer, but you can always do better. I'd strongly reccomend you to try and actually THINK like the characters would, how would they feel to be in the various positions you have given them. Hope this helps you in anyway.

[Nate Hunter]

"Load This!" is an admittedly different take on the relationship between Renamon and Ruki... more of an AU than something that would have happened in the series. It was meant to be a short lemon, and at under 2000 words, I feel it is one, and shows the points of characterization I wanted to make in contrast to the series, as you pointed out.


Characters:

Renamon was supposed to be subscriptive to Ruki's way of thinking -- that she, as a Digimon, existed only for fighting, and that Ruki as her Tamer was in absolute control over her, and free to do with her anything she saw fit. Renamon's internal monologue shows some conflict, but her actions show an acceptance, presumably forced, of this belief.

Ruki was meant to be colder than in the show, an exaggeration of who she was at the beginning of the dub. Her primary focus is on strength and discipline for failure to show the same. I attempted to keep her lines in flow with the series even if the particular lines would be out of place in it.

Guilmon was meant to emphasize the difference between his innocent side, which he shows more and more frequently throughout the series, and his vicious "battle" side, which tended to fade throughout the series. As an encounter towards the beginning, I felt it suitable to emphasize him showing this side of his personality while fighting. Also, the "Takatomon" thing was short-lived in both the dub and original, as Guilmon grew in his vocabulary quickly, and the extension of it is primarily a fanon issue. Myself, when I use it it's in a light-hearted way, with Guilmon is with Takato.

As for being a perv... there are three points of view in this story, one for each character. I wrote this from their subjective viewpoints. So, Ruki saw Guilmon doing something she couldn't clearly see to Renamon, and has her own image of how all males behave, and so concludes that he is a pervert. That coupled with her feelings at Takato's hands (seen in the flashback to the fight), leaves her upset at both Takato and his Digimon, and at Renamon for being shown up by them.

Renamon's point of view is one of submission to Ruki as a living tool for fighting. She has feelings, but she attempts to hide and ignore them for Ruki's sake, and attempts to live her life to please Ruki -- not so that she herself will be happy, but so that Ruki will be happy. But her doubts are always trying to push through, as she knows better. Fighting may be life, but she knows Digimon are more than mere fighters.

And Guilmon... He's in his battle personality at the time we see through his eyes. He has enough of an idea that if what he's doing is hurting his enemy in an obvious way (such as making her weep in greater quantities), he should continue doing it. And he also knows what feels good as he begins raping her. However, at no point did he consider his actions to be self gratifying sexual acts -- they were simply a way to bring his enemy into submission, which he could see they were doing successfully.

It's similar to a child masturbating for the first time -- they don't need to know what's going to come out to know that it feels good. I mean, I know I didn't, but I knew touching it felt good. Safe to assume Guilmon, like a child, might just reach the same conclusion, even if he weren't in his more primal state of mind at that time. In fact, it seems to me that doing something that feels good with no idea of what will come of it is perhaps the MOST childish way to portray someone who is having sex.

I do appreciate your scores, and realize that, compared to the series as a whole, Renamon and Guilmon do feel very out of character. I just want it to be understood that the portrayals I was seeking in this story are not meant to be wholly in character. I probably wouldn't have been too much more generous with the scores myself, as this story dates to Feb. 2003 and is one of my earlier works. This one isn't even long enough for one of my contests, at approximately 3.3 full pages in 12pt Times New Roman

Plot: Thank you for some honesty. This particular score I feel may be a bit generous based on your later comment about the flow and progression of the story, but if you feel this way, I won't argue it.

Character: See above. I probably would have been most lenient on this score as I understood my intentions in how I was painting the characters, and though imperfect (because I failed to justify these differences fully) I would probably have given it, myself, in the 12-16 range.

Lemon: Admittedly a weak point in the flow of the story. The concept was a Renamon rapefic -- and just as Digi-Slutz began as a personal challenge, so did this. The challenge: "How can I portray Guilmon raping Renamon?" The answer... "Load This!" As a lemon, one great flaw in this scene is that it is one-sided, in the primary POV of the story, which is in this case, that of a rape victim. It might have been better were Guilmon actually more mature, or were the scene from his POV. I might have given another point or two, but I doubt I would give it more than a 7 unless I had some unhealthy interest in rape...

Semantics: Thank you for your kind words. I like to twist and turn clich

[DragonMasterX]

Certainly, this goes very well as a Rape fic, and now that I think of it...

You were right, Guilmon has that ''wild'' state in which he growls and follows his own instincts instead of hearing Takato, so it would be a perfect excuse for his behaviour towards Renamon.

I noticed Ruki was acting TOO strict and heartless, too much even for her Tamers' attitude, but it had to happen eventually, there are many things we don't know about her training.

Guilmon calling Takato: "Takatomon." was actually a suggestion, not a correction, it makes him sound dumber/cuter.

Renamon was totally OOC, but it did flow correctly according to the story, but as it's almost a short one leading to a plothole, then it's not an attitude with too many arguments to actually set her as ''weak'' against this horny lizard.

And yes, you are right yourself, this doesn't suck, but it could use work. Even now, when unedited, it's quite a good piece of work to read nevertheless.