08-09-2006, 06:37 AM
And so we move onto the second page of this modern equivilant of the stocks. The poor author trapped whilst I hurl tomatos his way this time, is Devil.
I'm going to be looking at the first chapter of his Smart Davis series, entitled Chapter One.
No indent. Woe for the indent. He is lost. No matter, let's have a look at the writing itself. He'd given us a simple opening: "It all started after the digidestend defeated Melomyotismon and got back to earth. Davis started to think about how he was acting and made a major decision." Earth needs a capital, as it is a place. Now, two questions pop to mind, which are the things to real us inward and down into the text: firstly, what was he thinking about, and secondly, what was his conclusion? Let's find out.
Who is Soda, and what does he own? The apostrophe is used to indicate ownership and missing letters. The "s" itself shouldn't even be at the end of "soda": it's like "sheep", or "ninja". It's both the singular and plural of the word. This coming from a chap who says "pop".
Why would she flinch? "Oh, my, an unfammilier tone! I'll go into the corner, and cower until it goes away!"
Davis would have been bottling these sort of feelings up for years, if you used this backstory. He wouldn't just burst into tears. He'd be thoughtful, more than anything. Does anyone else think he'd be more likely to go to Ken?
Gaps where we're still in the same passage! Bad formating. Ah, well: at least all the dialogue isn't just on one line.
Has Gatomon returned to Myotismon's service? She'd never say anything like that. And Tai wouldn't, either: he lead the Digidetined, he put up with Izzy, Joe and Matt. All of them would drive a persona like the one applied to Tai here to beat Joe about the head with Izzy's laptop.
Here the break is justified.
"Across", not "a cross". The difference is one is a noun.
Davis is taking this a little too hard. I don't think Yolei (as her name is really spelt) would close the shop. That would deduct from family profits. Ladies use purces, not wallets.
There's a Digimon in the real world, and they don't even care. It's just attacked them, is only unconcious (I'm assuming), and they've just left it there. Also, Davis would not be out of breath. It's a jump, not a marthon.
Gatomon was a fantastic villian in her time, so I don't know why she's such a bumbling incompitent here. She wouldn't attack Davis. Is she channeling the spirit of Ladydevimon, or something?
Nice coupling: that's unexpected. Someone write something dedicated to those two. There could be so many potential conflict points: Hikari moping after TK, Tai mad at TK for making Hikari so upset (possibly), and Davis annoyed because it's his sister, and sisters don't really have sex. They're like parents, in that respect.
I've spotted several out of context "Theres". Remember: "There" means "Over there!", it's a place. "They're" is a contraction of "They are", and "Their" is possive. "Davis and TK played with their little rubber duckie".
What's "a black"? Black's an adjective, not a noun. Proofread, please!
Really poor wording with all these "excepts".
For someone who's apparently a genius, Davis is really, really stupid. So is Devimon. But it's good to see Devimon as a villian, again: he was in the Dark Whirlpool, but he didn't really do anything.
It just struck me that there's no grammar except question marks at the end of speach.
Davis gets a fantastic line when he returns. That's the highlight of the entire story.
Why doesn't he have pneumonia as well? He's just fallen into the freezing ocean.
Fair, damnation, fair! Here's a huge lesson to authors: stay awake during English lessons at school.
"Tight" isn't how a lady would discribe Davis's backside: it's more how TK would discribe it. Or Ken.
Well, hurrah. What an ending. Parties, stories, ice-cream and jelly.
My veiw on this story is that the pretence is like something out of one of those "Archie" comics. It might be possible to do, but not like this. The charcters are distorted, and grammar and spelling is a huge issue. So is the writer's ability to write a good fight. Either the narrator has been kidnapped, or he's lost all ability to discribe things. Can we have some metaphor in there, please?
I'm going to be looking at the first chapter of his Smart Davis series, entitled Chapter One.
No indent. Woe for the indent. He is lost. No matter, let's have a look at the writing itself. He'd given us a simple opening: "It all started after the digidestend defeated Melomyotismon and got back to earth. Davis started to think about how he was acting and made a major decision." Earth needs a capital, as it is a place. Now, two questions pop to mind, which are the things to real us inward and down into the text: firstly, what was he thinking about, and secondly, what was his conclusion? Let's find out.
Who is Soda, and what does he own? The apostrophe is used to indicate ownership and missing letters. The "s" itself shouldn't even be at the end of "soda": it's like "sheep", or "ninja". It's both the singular and plural of the word. This coming from a chap who says "pop".
Why would she flinch? "Oh, my, an unfammilier tone! I'll go into the corner, and cower until it goes away!"
Davis would have been bottling these sort of feelings up for years, if you used this backstory. He wouldn't just burst into tears. He'd be thoughtful, more than anything. Does anyone else think he'd be more likely to go to Ken?
Gaps where we're still in the same passage! Bad formating. Ah, well: at least all the dialogue isn't just on one line.
Has Gatomon returned to Myotismon's service? She'd never say anything like that. And Tai wouldn't, either: he lead the Digidetined, he put up with Izzy, Joe and Matt. All of them would drive a persona like the one applied to Tai here to beat Joe about the head with Izzy's laptop.
Here the break is justified.
"Across", not "a cross". The difference is one is a noun.
Davis is taking this a little too hard. I don't think Yolei (as her name is really spelt) would close the shop. That would deduct from family profits. Ladies use purces, not wallets.
There's a Digimon in the real world, and they don't even care. It's just attacked them, is only unconcious (I'm assuming), and they've just left it there. Also, Davis would not be out of breath. It's a jump, not a marthon.
Gatomon was a fantastic villian in her time, so I don't know why she's such a bumbling incompitent here. She wouldn't attack Davis. Is she channeling the spirit of Ladydevimon, or something?
Nice coupling: that's unexpected. Someone write something dedicated to those two. There could be so many potential conflict points: Hikari moping after TK, Tai mad at TK for making Hikari so upset (possibly), and Davis annoyed because it's his sister, and sisters don't really have sex. They're like parents, in that respect.
I've spotted several out of context "Theres". Remember: "There" means "Over there!", it's a place. "They're" is a contraction of "They are", and "Their" is possive. "Davis and TK played with their little rubber duckie".
What's "a black"? Black's an adjective, not a noun. Proofread, please!
Really poor wording with all these "excepts".
For someone who's apparently a genius, Davis is really, really stupid. So is Devimon. But it's good to see Devimon as a villian, again: he was in the Dark Whirlpool, but he didn't really do anything.
It just struck me that there's no grammar except question marks at the end of speach.
Davis gets a fantastic line when he returns. That's the highlight of the entire story.
Why doesn't he have pneumonia as well? He's just fallen into the freezing ocean.
Fair, damnation, fair! Here's a huge lesson to authors: stay awake during English lessons at school.
"Tight" isn't how a lady would discribe Davis's backside: it's more how TK would discribe it. Or Ken.
Well, hurrah. What an ending. Parties, stories, ice-cream and jelly.
My veiw on this story is that the pretence is like something out of one of those "Archie" comics. It might be possible to do, but not like this. The charcters are distorted, and grammar and spelling is a huge issue. So is the writer's ability to write a good fight. Either the narrator has been kidnapped, or he's lost all ability to discribe things. Can we have some metaphor in there, please?