07-19-2006, 09:04 AM
Gather around: Uncle Mullen is going to reveiw you a story by the fire.
Our story is written by Shadow Six-Thousand, Six-Hundred And Ninety-One. It is entitled "Reunion Of Good Friends", of the "Glad To Live Another Day" series. It's the first chaper of the series, and the title does not actually appear on the page. No matter, though.
This is a strange way to open the very first sentence of the story: "Now let's get started". It's followed by a colon, good, but that's followed by capial, which is bad. There a few capital hiccoughs which could be solved through a bit of proofreading. Also, the Digimon are refered to by names, however they lack the capital. Their names may be the same as their species, but they are supposed to be capitalised, none the less. For some reason, new speakers do not have new paragraphs. However, there is a great metaphor about magnafying glasses that made me smile.
Sadly, it turns out the opening paragraph has nothing to do with the story at all. The gathering of food could have been a point for dialogue, for discussion of the mysterious towers rather than the narrator popping up and saying "By the way; they're here because there are mysterious towers!" The "pleasent journey" could have been elaborated on: why was it pleasent? What did Tai and Davis think of it: did they take the time to admire the scenery, to look at what they had saved and appreciate the beuty of life, having nearly died so many times themselves?
Oh, goodness. A fight scene. It's all very brief, isn't it? There are no adjectives, aside from colour. The shining metaphors have fanished, as if they have been hidden by clouds of thoughtlessness. Tences switch, as well. Not very good, is it? Shadow Six-Thousand, Six-Hundred And Ninety-One needs more practice. He also needs to expand on points (or she does; I don't know), as everything just seems to be a section of sentences strung together with very dull twine. I once read a book where the main character, Milo, had to eat his words whilst dining with the King of Dictionopolis. He said "Thank you for letting me dine with you," or something, and it didn't taste very nice. I'd imagine this sorty would taste duller than that. The wrong sort of "site" is used, as well: it should be "sight."
This is the lemon scene. It is grey, breif, and makes very little sense. Veemon's suprised at being hugged, so he kisses Agumon? And then they have sex for no reason? Not even a basic internal struggle? That's what most guy authors writing yaoi do. Some coming-to-terms thing. These characters need motives! Obvious ones, as well. There is no discription of sensation or of what it felt like. That's what people are going to want to know: reading stimutales the imagination. Conjour the feeling and sesations in your readers: make them know what the characters feel.
This story needs lots of work. If Shadow Six-Thousand, Six-Hundred And Ninety-One is writing a series, then I'd advise him (or her) to re-write this first, as all series usually lead back to their beginings in some way.
Our story is written by Shadow Six-Thousand, Six-Hundred And Ninety-One. It is entitled "Reunion Of Good Friends", of the "Glad To Live Another Day" series. It's the first chaper of the series, and the title does not actually appear on the page. No matter, though.
This is a strange way to open the very first sentence of the story: "Now let's get started". It's followed by a colon, good, but that's followed by capial, which is bad. There a few capital hiccoughs which could be solved through a bit of proofreading. Also, the Digimon are refered to by names, however they lack the capital. Their names may be the same as their species, but they are supposed to be capitalised, none the less. For some reason, new speakers do not have new paragraphs. However, there is a great metaphor about magnafying glasses that made me smile.
Sadly, it turns out the opening paragraph has nothing to do with the story at all. The gathering of food could have been a point for dialogue, for discussion of the mysterious towers rather than the narrator popping up and saying "By the way; they're here because there are mysterious towers!" The "pleasent journey" could have been elaborated on: why was it pleasent? What did Tai and Davis think of it: did they take the time to admire the scenery, to look at what they had saved and appreciate the beuty of life, having nearly died so many times themselves?
Oh, goodness. A fight scene. It's all very brief, isn't it? There are no adjectives, aside from colour. The shining metaphors have fanished, as if they have been hidden by clouds of thoughtlessness. Tences switch, as well. Not very good, is it? Shadow Six-Thousand, Six-Hundred And Ninety-One needs more practice. He also needs to expand on points (or she does; I don't know), as everything just seems to be a section of sentences strung together with very dull twine. I once read a book where the main character, Milo, had to eat his words whilst dining with the King of Dictionopolis. He said "Thank you for letting me dine with you," or something, and it didn't taste very nice. I'd imagine this sorty would taste duller than that. The wrong sort of "site" is used, as well: it should be "sight."
This is the lemon scene. It is grey, breif, and makes very little sense. Veemon's suprised at being hugged, so he kisses Agumon? And then they have sex for no reason? Not even a basic internal struggle? That's what most guy authors writing yaoi do. Some coming-to-terms thing. These characters need motives! Obvious ones, as well. There is no discription of sensation or of what it felt like. That's what people are going to want to know: reading stimutales the imagination. Conjour the feeling and sesations in your readers: make them know what the characters feel.
This story needs lots of work. If Shadow Six-Thousand, Six-Hundred And Ninety-One is writing a series, then I'd advise him (or her) to re-write this first, as all series usually lead back to their beginings in some way.