Asesino's Commentaries

[johalt]

extra bitterness and sarcasm. That and Starcraft unit quotes, perplexingly.

holy shit I'm slowly turning into you! Nooooooooopooooooooooopoppooooooo!
(random p's make things interesting)
Awaiting instructions
Let's burn
Yes executor?
In the by, 5-5-5
The power of medivac compels you
I am here, click me
Drop you weapons, you have 5 seconds to comply
For auir
How do I get outa this chicken sh*t outfit

[UnknownH]

XD Why would those pictures sell well when the real Clone gives us lotsa exhibitions anyway? Another funny MST3K, Asie! X3

Not like these pictures she doesn't. heh heh

[Asesino]

I may be exaggerating, but I'm fairly certain that I've done commentary on every single story ever made ever.

So I guess I'm done for a while. Yaaaay.

[johalt]

Warp fields stabilized

[CloneWarrior]

I may be exaggerating, but I'm fairly certain that I've done commentary on every single story ever made ever.

So I guess I'm done for a while. Yaaaay.

But I wanted you to do my new Adventure story... :(

I'll give you a cyber blowjob if you do it.

[Asesino]

Eh, my sexual organs dried up and fell off years ago. The parts of my brain that pertained to sex, physical attraction and love have since been replaced with extra bitterness and sarcasm. That and Starcraft unit quotes, perplexingly.

This is a completely true story. Even my cyber-penis was affected.

Feel free to link to your own story, though. I'll make sure to get to it soon.

[CloneWarrior]

Here it is.

[UnknownH]

So Ase is Ase...xeual huh? heh heh Well, at least your funny.

[Asesino]

Asexual indeed. In fact, the Asesino doing the commentaries? That's not even me; That's the eighth Asesino. I just lock him in a room and read him stories. Doesn't commentate, doesn't eat. It works wonders.

Well, it does now anyway. Asesinos two through seven resisted and eventually I had to do away with them. That's why there was a three month period between when I started and when the first finished commentary surfaced. Ha ha, good times.

[Asesino]

Today on Asesino's Commentaries: Asesino buries other people's work before it has a chance to be recognized to bump his own topic full of piss-poor comedy.

Enjoy.

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A story that doesn't have a name but is maybe called "Adventure Boys" by CloneWarrior

"Ah, it's good to finally relax." Yamato leaned against the side of the tub. "After all the fighting we've been doing, it looks like our luck has finally turned around."

Yamato was of course referring to the series of Digimon who had attacked the seven children while under the influence of the mysterious black gears. After an unsuccessful attempt at climbing Infinity Mountain earlier that day, the group had stumbled upon a mansion on the edge of the forest, and quickly took advantage of the seemingly-deserted structure.

I feel like I've been here before..

Taichi jumped into the hot water, sending a small wave tumbling over Yamato. "Hey! Watch it"

Taichi snickered. "Aww, come on Yamato. I think I deserve some time to mess around, seeing as I'm the one who led us here." Taichi continued to splash water at the blond boy, laughing annoyingly. "What, afraid of a little water?"

Taichi? Yamato? Who are these people? Try speaking American, it's the only language I can understand!

Yamato groaned and began to splash back at the leader of their group. Koushirou sighed as he sank down at the edge of the tub. "I can't believe our good fortune." He thought back to the delicious buffet the group had enjoyed earlier. The first few days the children had spent on this mysterious island had been filled with nothing but danger. Now, he couldn't help but feel something was wrong with this opulent mansion.

He had been feeling uneasy ever since reading the big sign out in front of the mansion that read "Totally Real and Completely Abandoned Non-Evil Mansion (p.s. this is not a trap)"

Koushirou held up his hands as a stray wave from the splash fight washed over him. "Watch it, guys!" The redhead backed up and pulled himself up onto the edge of the onsen, hoping to avoid any more waves. "Why am I the only one here with any brains?!" Koushirou wished he had Tentomon to talk to, but the Digimon had already gone off to bed after eating their fill. Takeru had decided to join them. "That just leaves..." Koushirou was cut off by the eldest boy, Jyou stepping into the room.

Jyou? Who the hell could that be?!

"Hey, could you guys calm down? You're going to waste all the water!" Taichi and Yamato stopped and turned in Jyou's direction. They barely recognized him with his glasses off, and Yamato groaned as he noticed the towel around the sixth-grader's waist.

"Your lack of wang disturbs me!"

"Seriously? You're going to be all modest?" The two fifth-graders began to climb out of the tub, causing the eldest boy to avert his gaze. "We're all guys in here, so don't act all high and mighty and try to cover yourself up." Yamato and Taichi rushed at Jyou and grabbed his towel, fighting to expose him.

Note to self: Don't go hot-tubbing with fifth-grade Japanese boys. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Koushirou blushed as he watched the struggle, then looked down embarrassingly at his lap. He was starting to get aroused from seeing the older boys' naked bodies. The redhead didn't normally have any feelings for other guys, but he had never been around this many exposed penises. He gripped his now 4-inch shaft and began to stroke it.

Oh, hey! My first Yaoi commentary!

Shit. I need to think about something else. Unfortunately, the fourth-grader's mind shifted to the other two members of the group, Sora and Mimi. He realized they were just on the other side of the thin wall at the center of the onsen, completely naked just like him. He imagined their bare bodies. He was sure Mimi had bigger tits than Sora, and he just wanted to press his face between them. His arm sped up as his dick reached its maximum length.

Or, maybe not.

He could barely hold back his moans. Despite his age, Koushirou was a chronic-masturbator. With the amount of time he had spent on the computer, there was simply no way he couldn't have stumbled across porn at least a couple of times. Since he didn't speak much with his parents, the redhead had a good amount of time to dedicate to stripping down in his room and rubbing a few out at his laptop.

Suddenly, the story starts being about Asesino.

Now, the fourth-grader imagined himself getting double-teamed by Sora and Mimi. Both were entirely naked except for their hats. Koushirou thought they should leave their headgear on. He was kind of kinky that way. Sora was sitting on his face, her pink pussy lips just inches from his mouth. He dove into her crotch as his tongue explored her folds, quickly discovering her clit and wrapping around it.

Me too, man. There's nothing that gets me harder than a brim.

Meanwhile, Mimi spread her legs and gripped Koushirou's cock, then plunged it inside her own soaked snatch. The three moaned deeply as the combination of penetration and oral sex warmed up their bodies. Koushirou felt his orgasm approaching. He panted heavily as he felt Mimi buck her lips against him, her juices spreading across his crotch. Sora's own nectar was soaking his face. He knew he couldn't hold on much longer. He was going to fire his jizz deep into the pink cowgirl.

Hehe, cowgirl. Because she has the h- hehe, and the sexual position also called cowg- hehehe.

His fantasy was interrupted, however, by a loud yell, followed by a bang. His eyes snapped open as Jyou fell the floor, Taichi holding up his towel triumphantly. "Oh, calm down you big baby." Jyou turned to sit back, quickly moving his hands to cover his penis.

"It's almost as if you don't want people seeing your dick or something!"

Taichi rolled his eyes. "You know, sempai, we have seen dicks before. We kind of have our own." He snickered as both he and Yamato gripped their soft members.

OH HAI, YAOI. I thought you'd left.

Jyou's face was bright red. "That doesn't mean I want to see them. Or that I want mine to be on display."

That makes complete sense, let's see if it's completely ignored in the next three seconds.

Taichi moved closer to him and mimed kicking the sixth-grader in the nuts. Suddenly, a brilliant idea hit him. "I know how to get you to open up." He sat down at the edge of the tub and dangled his feet in the water. "Koushirou! Get over here!" Koushirou dipped back into the water and swam over to the other three, then pulled himself up next to their leader. Yamato sat down on the other side, and Jyou reluctantly joined them.

Yep.

Yamato raised an eyebrow. "So what's your plan?"

Taichi laughed a bit. "You saw the bedroom when we put our stuff down, right?" The others all nodded. "Well did you see which beds Sora and Mimi put their bags on? There's one bed in between the two of them."

What, you're leaving again? Well, see you later Yaoi. I'll probably end up talking to you some time in the future.

Koushirou thought back. Before heading to the onsen, the girls had thrown their stuff onto two of the beds are the far end of the room. There had been one bed in-between. To be honest, he was hoping he'd get to sleep there.

Yamato's eyes widened. "I see! We're going to decide who gets to sleep between the girls!"

I have a feeling that that this is going to end poorly for somebody's rectum.

Taichi winked and gave a thumbs up. "Yep. We're going to have a little contest to make this fair. Whoever has the longest dick gets the bed."

Jyou blushed even deeper than before. "What the hell?! I'm not going to compare my penis to yours!" As he began to complain, he noticed Yamato had begun to stroke his member. "What are you doing?!"

Hello, Yaoi? Yeah, it's Asesino. Turns out we might be needing you after all.

Yamato groaned as he jerked himself. "I'm stroking it so it gets hard. It doesn't count unless we're all fully erect."

A philosophy I've based my entire life around.

Jyou looked over the others. Taichi was doing the same, and Koushirou was already completely stiff, seeing as he hadn't finished earlier. The sixth-grader sighed and gave in. He moved his hands away from his crotch, revealing his soft member and began to stroke himself.

Logically.

Within a few seconds, all four guys were at their maximum length. Taichi grinned. "Alright, let's see who gets that bed!" The four moved close together and held out their dicks, causing each to feel a bit uncomfortable.

"Let's see." Taichi looked over each member. Koushirou sighed as he realized his four-incher was the smallest. There goes sleeping in paradise tonight. Taichi snickered as the redhead backed out of the group. His dick was a full inch longer than Koushirou's, but Yamato was quick to shoot him down.

"Upon reflection, comparing penis size wasn't a very good idea."

"You're only five inches, Taichi. I'm five and a half." Taichi's jaw dropped as he saw how long and thick Yamato's member was. "It looks like I'm the winner here."

"That is, unless there's a fourth person in this competition, but what are the chances of that?"

Jyou groaned. Yamato's was definitely the thickest penis in the group, but he wasn’t sure about length. "Wait a minute!" He reached out and grabbed Yamato's cock, holding it directly next to his own.

See, Yaoi? It's coming, trust me.

Yamato blushed. "What are you doing? Just because I'm the biggest, doesn't mean you have to touch it."

Jyou grinned. "You may be the thickest. But mine's longer." The other guys gathered around as Jyou's claim was confirmed. Though it wasn't by much, Jyou's dick was definitely longer than Yamato's. Jyou jumped to his feet, Yamato narrowly avoiding a dickslap to the face. "It looks like I'm sleeping between the girls tonight!"

Jyou sandwich, alright!

Taichi sneered. "Now wait a second! I never said that you just have to be the longest to get the bed." The 11-year old's mind raced as he tried to come up with a new competition. He snapped his fingers as it hit him. "Everyone has to jerk off. Whoever holds out the longest gets the bed."

You are a strange little man.

Jyou groaned. "That's no fair! I won already!" Taichi sat back down on the edge of the onsen. "I promise, this is the final challenge. Whoever's the last to cum gets to sleep between Sora and Mimi.

Taichi = Duffman?

The other boys sighed and sat back next to Taichi. The leader grinned. "Alright, hands on your dicks. Ready? Start!" The four quickly got to work stroking themselves.

Gentleman, start your penises? I dunno.

Koushirou blushed hard. His dick had been throbbing since his earlier session was interrupted. While measuring, he had felt like a single stroke could make him cum. He tried to cross his legs to hold it in, but within seconds he had blown his load into the tub.

The redhead panted heavily as he softened up again. Taichi cheered. "One down already! Geeze, Koushirou, you have like no stamina!"

"Yeah? Well maybe I've been focusing on INTELLECT, prick!"

Koushirou blushed hard. This sucks so much.

Taichi continued to stroke himself hard and fast as he looked over the other two. Jyou was going at it like a pro, while Yamato looked to be having a bit of trouble. He seemed to be unsure of how exactly he should be holding his cock, and he kept changing speeds wildly.

Taichi smirked again. "What's wrong, Yamato? Haven't you ever jacked off before?"

Yes, but he's just used to wearing gloves constantly.

Yamato groaned. "No, Taichi, I haven't."

Taichi's eyes widened. "Seriously?! You're fucking eleven, and you haven't ever masturbated?"

"Eleven AND Japanese!"

Yamato blushed. "It didn't seem worth it. Of course, now I realize why you all do it so much." The blond felt like he was in heaven. This new sensation was driving his dick crazy. He felt something welling up inside his member. "Shit, I think I'm gonna piss myself." He closed his eyes and let out a long groan as he fired a few short ropes of jizz into the onsen. As he opened his eyes again, he realized what had just happened. "Shit. Why didn't anyone tell me that's what an orgasm felt like." He leaned back on the tiled floor as his dick began to shrink back down.

I wonder if the Digimon are doing anything heterosexual..

Taichi focused back on his own dick. "Two down. Looks like it's just you and me, Jyou." Though he appeared confident on the outside, he was freaking out on the inside. He was getting pretty close. The fifth-grader had honestly never made it past two and half minutes without blowing his load. He smirked as he remembered who he was dealing with, though. There's no fucking way Jyou does this a lot. I bet he's never even made it past two minutes. Soon, his jizz is gonna be all over this tub and I'm gonna be in bed, touching myself to an awesome view of Sora's ass.

"Unless she plans on covering herself with a blanket of some sort, in which case this was an entirely pointless, awkward situation."

Jyou however, was no pushover. Though fragile and modest on the outside, Jyou knew how to handle that monster dick of his when he was alone. The sixth-grader had been getting off every day for two years, sometimes twice a day. If he had five minutes to himself, he'd be naked on his bed, with either his hand wrapped around his member or furiously fucking a pillow. Two minutes was nothing to him. Jyou could easily last seven.

I can honestly say having sex with a pillow has never occurred to me.

Taichi was sweating profusely as another minute passed. He squeezed his legs close together and tried to think of ugly women. His climax was getting close and he needed to slow it down at all costs. He panted loudly as he turned to Jyou. The 11-year old freaked out as he saw the deep concentration on the older boy's face. The kid looked like he had no intention of finishing for several more minutes.

Taichi couldn't hold it any longer. With one more stroke, he shot a blast of hot white cum into the water and fell backwards. He breathed heavily as his dick fired a few more shots of jizz onto his chest.

I hate when that happens.

Jyou took his hand off his dick and stood up. "Well, it looks like I get the bed." He grinned and went to pick up his towel.

Taichi struggled to speak through his panting. "Aren't you going to at least finish? Blow your victory load?"

Jyou snickered. "And waste it? I'm saving this load for tonight."

Ha ha. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.