That's what the main man say

[Wisemon]

I'm going to say this every other post, just so you don't miss it.
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Me: So, are you going home for Easter?
Freshman: Yeah, pretty much everybody is.
Me: Well, I'm not. Is it really that big a holiday for you people?
Freshman: What do you mean by 'you people'?
Me: You people who celebrate it.
Freshman *Thinks, and then*: Ha ha, very funny (sarcastic).

[Wisemon]

Me: Hey, good news, you know that R.A. job I applied to? I got it. I'm going to be an R.A. next year.
Freshman girl: Hey, congratula-
Me: April Fools! I got rejected, like I get rejected for everything.
Freshman girl: *Saddened* That's the worst April Fool's joke I've ever heard.
Me: Yeah, I know; it's a cruel world.

[Wisemon]

I'm going to say this every other post, just so you don't miss it.
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Me *Watching a kid wiping down a sink*: Did you just throw up in the sink?
Little Asian Kid: Yeah
Me: Why didn't you use the toilet?
Little Asian Kid: It just came out. I was partying a little too hard. Were you doing any partying tonight?
Me: I don't party any night.

[Wisemon]

Me *upon hearing "Holiday" blasted from the party hosting freshman's room*: Alright, I wasn't too keen on you playing "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" at parties, but I let it slide. I draw the line at "Holiday". It's an anti-war song, and playing it in the background of drinking games is disrespectful.
Freshman: I don't think I've played it at any parties yet.
Me: Keep it that way. I gave you Bush's "Deconstructed" on your Dell DJ, which is nothing but dance remixes. You're welcome to play Bush at your drinking parties.

[Wisemon]

I'm going to say this every other post, just so you don't miss it.
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Engineering student: Do you have a ruler I can borrow for my homework?
Me: Sorry, I don't carry a ruler with me.
Engineering student: You should; it's very useful.
Me: There's only one thing I use a ruler for. What's the worst thing that pops into your head?
Engineering student: That's gross.

[Wisemon]

Friday night, a female friend introduces me to one of her friends before they prepare for a night of drinking.

Female friend *indicating me*: And this is my friend; he's heterosexual.
Me *foiling the scheme*: The only problem is that I'm a little too straight.

And with the implied refusal, they get drunk, and during the course of their party across the hall, I hear her friend utter, "I just need to get laid; I don't care who it is."
I know I made the right choice, because I care.

[Wisemon]

I'm going to say this every other post, just so you don't miss it.
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So I finally get a somewhat hopeful message from a girl on this college social site, a girl from high school who happens to be at my school now. It's simple, "Hey, do you remember me? How's it goin'?"
My response isn't so simple: "To be perfectly honest, I don't, but in my defense...(three pages later)...so that's a little about who I am and what I believe in. How about you?"

[Wisemon]

"A Libertarian is a Republican who doesn't pretend to care about God."

[Wisemon]

I'm going to say this every other post, just so you don't miss it.
PLEASE DON'T REPLY!
If you want to reply, use a private message. I want to keep this thread continuous with my own quotes.

"According to this email, my local army recruiter might have a place for me. Coincidentally, I happen to have a place for him, or more accurately, his lips."

[Wisemon]

My little going away present:

I enter the room of the girls across the hall and put a stack of paper on a desk. "These are some poems that I wrote and signed. Anybody who wants one can take one." I neglect to tell them that since they're girls, I'm leaving a bunch of very explicit poems about rejection. When they finally look at them, it's going to be like a bomb going off.