Funny Joke(18+ or anyone who doesn't care) (non-digi)

[Velmont VanCrimson]

Your fault- you know I don't get any of this-

Especially that lame one about the three monkeys!!

[Shadowknight]

Light the damn umbrella! It'll give me entertainment!

You're a pyro aren't you?

*Sets fire to a couch*

YAY FOR PYROS!!!

[Velmont VanCrimson]

*Sets fire to the oceans* Long live pyros!

[Shadowknight]

Before anyone tries to destroy the above statement with logic, certain lakes/parts of oceans contain special chemicals and gases that bubble up from the ground and therefore, theoretically, can be set on fire. This is just one of the many theories on the Bermuda triangle, they think it has a large gas resevoir underneath the surface of the water which causes periodical explosions that destroy the ships.

[Velmont VanCrimson]

Wow, you beat Blitz to saying that! Well... he's cooking- so I guess HAHA!

I already knew that. Especially if I put oil on the top.

[DrunkenMunkee]

o_O
well...thats interesting...
<_<
>_>
*runs away and tries*

[Shadowknight]

I wouldn't suggest trying this, but if you dip your arm in gasolin and then set it on fire, you'd have about 3 seconds before it burned through the liquid gasoline and started burning your arm. So theoretically you could set your arm on fire and not be burned since it'd have to burn through the gasoline first.

*Screen darkens and the "The more you know." Logo appears*

And the jokes:

Yet another child prodigy:

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS
ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED
WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN
HE SAW AN ENVELOPE
PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THEBED. IT
WAS ADDRESSED,
"DAD" WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE
ENVELOPE AND READ THE
LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD, IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT
I'M WRITING THIS.
I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I
WANTED TO AVOID A
SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL
PASSION WITH BARBARA
AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING,
TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT
MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION,
DAD - SHE'S
PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY
HAPPY EVEN
THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE
IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM. SHE ALREADY OWNS A
TRAILER IN THE WOODS
AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD, ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE
WINTER. SHE WANTS
TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW
ONE OF MYDREAMS
TOO. BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY
HURT ANYONE AND
WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT
WITH HER FRIENDS FOR
ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED. IN THE
MEANTIME, WE PRAY
THATSCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT
BARBARA CAN GET BETTER;
SHE SURE DESERVES IT!! DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15
YEARS OLD NOW AND I
KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE
WE'LL BE BACK TO
VISIT SO YOU CAN GET
TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON,
JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S
HOUSE. I JUST
WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN
LIFE THAN MY
REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.
I LOVE YOU!
PS: CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME

10 ways to freak out your roomate:

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your flatmate. Separate your flatmate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your flatmate's potato and eat it. Explain to your flatmate, saying 'He just didn't belong'

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your flatmate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, 'the hair, it's growing. Growing!'

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your flatmate and mutter, 'Soon, soon...'

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your flatmate, 'I've got an important message for you.' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, 'Oh, yeah, I remember!' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your flatmate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your flatmate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your flatmate gets rid of it, and then say, 'Hey, where the f**k is my sandwich!?' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your flatmate walks in yell, 'Hooray! You're back!' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, 'Shouldn't you be going somewhere?'

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, 'No, I want to watch them suffer.'

Whoever thought this next one up needs to be president.

The bill of non-rights:

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.


ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.


ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.


ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)


ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we're just not interested in public health care.


ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If
you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised
if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair!


ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.


ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you
to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect
you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational
training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or
heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet,
you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith
at all; with no fear of persecution.

The phrase "IN GOD WE TRUST" is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

A short quickie (Hehe, I said quickie. Ahem, sorry gotta stop doing that) for the woman (All what 3 of them?):

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft

before the masterpiece .

And of course the blonde joke. Can't have one of my joke posts without it.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......and
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida....?????"

[Gunter VanCrimson]

LOL!! OKAY- That was funny!!! I'm gonna try it!!!

[Shadowknight]

I wouldn't suggest it, it took my arm a month to heal.

[Gunter VanCrimson]

What have I got to lose!? My arm IS numb after all- and if anything goes wrong- I've got big bro!