10-12-2003, 04:32 AM
This is going to completely bore some people here, and possibly "offend" some others (though I seriously doubt it) but it's bugging me so I thought I might as well get it off my chest here.
I'm bisexual and not completely out of the closet yet, but I think my mom suspects and a couple of my friends know. It's not an issue most of the time, since I don't have a boyfriend or anything, but I don't really think they're all happy about it. Really, only one of my friends really supports me, and the rest are Conservative religious people who pretty much disapprove of what I am but remain silent about it. It's an unspoken agreement: I don't freak out and act femme around them (as if I actually would do such a thing) and they don't tell me that I'm choosing to live in sin (even though I'm not making any choices, nor engaging in any homosexual acts). Most of the time it's not a problem but lately I've felt like I'm walking on thin ice. It's easy to gauge people's attitudes just by things they say (i.e. "that's so gay!") and the ways they react to things (i.e. cringing when two guys on TV kiss each other...or just hold hands), and sometimes I just want to scream at them or wring their necks for being such ignorant, self-righteous jerks.
Yeah, I know that lots of people use the word "gay" in their daily vocabulary, and I'm not a politically correct control freak who's going to jump on everyone for doing it. I mean, it would be stupid to ruin a friendship just because someone says something like that. Yet it just saddens me that I have to sit and take this passive-agressive abuse from them, and that I can't hardly say anything about it without them coming back at me and then starting an argument, and ruining an otherwise nice day. Yeah, I know that friends should be able to argue about things because there's nothing wrong with disagreeing, but I feel like they're basically denying my right to be me, and I can't help but take that personally, ya know?
It sucks because I can't help but feel a little bit attracted to one of my friends (let's just call him Tim, even though that's not his name). Tim's pretty much my best friend, and he's my roommate, but alas, Tim's a self-professed homophobe who's in a steady relationship with a girl that I don't like much. I'm not jealous of her so much as I'm bored by her. What the heck does he see in her anyway? She's so dull... but I digress. Ok, I kinda got a crush on my roommate but I realize that I really can't expect him to switch his sexuality just to fit my needs. I respect his sexuality and only ask that he respect mine, but he really can't do that. I don't know why.
Anyway, I don't really put much stock in the whole "gay community." I don't wear pride beads or really participate in any gay events, nor do I really act gay or like gay things (Will & Grace, Liza Minnelli, Barbara Striesand, etc.), but when I found out that today was National Coming Out Day, I kinda felt compelled to remind him of it, and to once again, restate my sexuality to him in an upfront way to him, if only to once again, present myself to him in a completely open way and to hopefully get some kind of response from him that didn't resemble disgust. So I kinda caught him this morning while he was packing to go to his girlfriend's for the weekend and casually reminded him of what today was (as if he was supposed to know) and then tried to tell him that, well, nothing had changed and I was still bi, that I was proud of him for dealing with it in a reasonable way so far, and that if he ever wanted to talk about it with me, he shouldn't feel afraid.
His response: he just kinda stood there, looking back and forth in a semi-sarcastic confused expression, and then just said, "Uhhhh... okay." Then he finished packing up his things and kind of just left. I helped him carry some stuff ot his car, just to give him an opportunity to say whatever was on his mind, but he didn't really say anything at all, just "Well, see ya," or something like that.
This has left me feeling completely shitty. I open myself up to him and leave myself completely vulnerable, basically dependent on a response from him just to confirm that my words meant something, anything to him. But nothing. A brick wall. This isn't the first time I've told him this. He should have at least had something to say to me, as it's not like he hasn't known about me being bi. I thought that by telling him, I was basically saying "You're my friend and I need you to be there for me because this isn't easy," but I guess I wasn't as clear as I needed to be. But how could I have been any clearer?
I'm just frustrated, I guess. Frustrated by my inability to completely come to terms with my sexuality, frustrated by my friends' refusal to fully accept me, frustrated by my desire to be intimate with Tim, if not physically then at least emotionally. Isn't that what friends are for? I want to be close to him, but he saves his intimacy for his girlfriend, talks about serious stuff with his other friends, and has pretty much just reduced me to someone to split the rent and play videogames with. Whatever, I don't know. It's not like I can just go out and get a new set of friends.
I don't know why I posted this. Does anyone know what I'm going through, or has anyone felt like this before? Is anyone else here gay or bi? What should I do?
I'm bisexual and not completely out of the closet yet, but I think my mom suspects and a couple of my friends know. It's not an issue most of the time, since I don't have a boyfriend or anything, but I don't really think they're all happy about it. Really, only one of my friends really supports me, and the rest are Conservative religious people who pretty much disapprove of what I am but remain silent about it. It's an unspoken agreement: I don't freak out and act femme around them (as if I actually would do such a thing) and they don't tell me that I'm choosing to live in sin (even though I'm not making any choices, nor engaging in any homosexual acts). Most of the time it's not a problem but lately I've felt like I'm walking on thin ice. It's easy to gauge people's attitudes just by things they say (i.e. "that's so gay!") and the ways they react to things (i.e. cringing when two guys on TV kiss each other...or just hold hands), and sometimes I just want to scream at them or wring their necks for being such ignorant, self-righteous jerks.
Yeah, I know that lots of people use the word "gay" in their daily vocabulary, and I'm not a politically correct control freak who's going to jump on everyone for doing it. I mean, it would be stupid to ruin a friendship just because someone says something like that. Yet it just saddens me that I have to sit and take this passive-agressive abuse from them, and that I can't hardly say anything about it without them coming back at me and then starting an argument, and ruining an otherwise nice day. Yeah, I know that friends should be able to argue about things because there's nothing wrong with disagreeing, but I feel like they're basically denying my right to be me, and I can't help but take that personally, ya know?
It sucks because I can't help but feel a little bit attracted to one of my friends (let's just call him Tim, even though that's not his name). Tim's pretty much my best friend, and he's my roommate, but alas, Tim's a self-professed homophobe who's in a steady relationship with a girl that I don't like much. I'm not jealous of her so much as I'm bored by her. What the heck does he see in her anyway? She's so dull... but I digress. Ok, I kinda got a crush on my roommate but I realize that I really can't expect him to switch his sexuality just to fit my needs. I respect his sexuality and only ask that he respect mine, but he really can't do that. I don't know why.
Anyway, I don't really put much stock in the whole "gay community." I don't wear pride beads or really participate in any gay events, nor do I really act gay or like gay things (Will & Grace, Liza Minnelli, Barbara Striesand, etc.), but when I found out that today was National Coming Out Day, I kinda felt compelled to remind him of it, and to once again, restate my sexuality to him in an upfront way to him, if only to once again, present myself to him in a completely open way and to hopefully get some kind of response from him that didn't resemble disgust. So I kinda caught him this morning while he was packing to go to his girlfriend's for the weekend and casually reminded him of what today was (as if he was supposed to know) and then tried to tell him that, well, nothing had changed and I was still bi, that I was proud of him for dealing with it in a reasonable way so far, and that if he ever wanted to talk about it with me, he shouldn't feel afraid.
His response: he just kinda stood there, looking back and forth in a semi-sarcastic confused expression, and then just said, "Uhhhh... okay." Then he finished packing up his things and kind of just left. I helped him carry some stuff ot his car, just to give him an opportunity to say whatever was on his mind, but he didn't really say anything at all, just "Well, see ya," or something like that.
This has left me feeling completely shitty. I open myself up to him and leave myself completely vulnerable, basically dependent on a response from him just to confirm that my words meant something, anything to him. But nothing. A brick wall. This isn't the first time I've told him this. He should have at least had something to say to me, as it's not like he hasn't known about me being bi. I thought that by telling him, I was basically saying "You're my friend and I need you to be there for me because this isn't easy," but I guess I wasn't as clear as I needed to be. But how could I have been any clearer?
I'm just frustrated, I guess. Frustrated by my inability to completely come to terms with my sexuality, frustrated by my friends' refusal to fully accept me, frustrated by my desire to be intimate with Tim, if not physically then at least emotionally. Isn't that what friends are for? I want to be close to him, but he saves his intimacy for his girlfriend, talks about serious stuff with his other friends, and has pretty much just reduced me to someone to split the rent and play videogames with. Whatever, I don't know. It's not like I can just go out and get a new set of friends.
I don't know why I posted this. Does anyone know what I'm going through, or has anyone felt like this before? Is anyone else here gay or bi? What should I do?