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This is going to completely bore some people here, and possibly "offend" some others (though I seriously doubt it) but it's bugging me so I thought I might as well get it off my chest here.

I'm bisexual and not completely out of the closet yet, but I think my mom suspects and a couple of my friends know. It's not an issue most of the time, since I don't have a boyfriend or anything, but I don't really think they're all happy about it. Really, only one of my friends really supports me, and the rest are Conservative religious people who pretty much disapprove of what I am but remain silent about it. It's an unspoken agreement: I don't freak out and act femme around them (as if I actually would do such a thing) and they don't tell me that I'm choosing to live in sin (even though I'm not making any choices, nor engaging in any homosexual acts). Most of the time it's not a problem but lately I've felt like I'm walking on thin ice. It's easy to gauge people's attitudes just by things they say (i.e. "that's so gay!") and the ways they react to things (i.e. cringing when two guys on TV kiss each other...or just hold hands), and sometimes I just want to scream at them or wring their necks for being such ignorant, self-righteous jerks.

Yeah, I know that lots of people use the word "gay" in their daily vocabulary, and I'm not a politically correct control freak who's going to jump on everyone for doing it. I mean, it would be stupid to ruin a friendship just because someone says something like that. Yet it just saddens me that I have to sit and take this passive-agressive abuse from them, and that I can't hardly say anything about it without them coming back at me and then starting an argument, and ruining an otherwise nice day. Yeah, I know that friends should be able to argue about things because there's nothing wrong with disagreeing, but I feel like they're basically denying my right to be me, and I can't help but take that personally, ya know?

It sucks because I can't help but feel a little bit attracted to one of my friends (let's just call him Tim, even though that's not his name). Tim's pretty much my best friend, and he's my roommate, but alas, Tim's a self-professed homophobe who's in a steady relationship with a girl that I don't like much. I'm not jealous of her so much as I'm bored by her. What the heck does he see in her anyway? She's so dull... but I digress. Ok, I kinda got a crush on my roommate but I realize that I really can't expect him to switch his sexuality just to fit my needs. I respect his sexuality and only ask that he respect mine, but he really can't do that. I don't know why.

Anyway, I don't really put much stock in the whole "gay community." I don't wear pride beads or really participate in any gay events, nor do I really act gay or like gay things (Will & Grace, Liza Minnelli, Barbara Striesand, etc.), but when I found out that today was National Coming Out Day, I kinda felt compelled to remind him of it, and to once again, restate my sexuality to him in an upfront way to him, if only to once again, present myself to him in a completely open way and to hopefully get some kind of response from him that didn't resemble disgust. So I kinda caught him this morning while he was packing to go to his girlfriend's for the weekend and casually reminded him of what today was (as if he was supposed to know) and then tried to tell him that, well, nothing had changed and I was still bi, that I was proud of him for dealing with it in a reasonable way so far, and that if he ever wanted to talk about it with me, he shouldn't feel afraid.

His response: he just kinda stood there, looking back and forth in a semi-sarcastic confused expression, and then just said, "Uhhhh... okay." Then he finished packing up his things and kind of just left. I helped him carry some stuff ot his car, just to give him an opportunity to say whatever was on his mind, but he didn't really say anything at all, just "Well, see ya," or something like that.

This has left me feeling completely shitty. I open myself up to him and leave myself completely vulnerable, basically dependent on a response from him just to confirm that my words meant something, anything to him. But nothing. A brick wall. This isn't the first time I've told him this. He should have at least had something to say to me, as it's not like he hasn't known about me being bi. I thought that by telling him, I was basically saying "You're my friend and I need you to be there for me because this isn't easy," but I guess I wasn't as clear as I needed to be. But how could I have been any clearer?

I'm just frustrated, I guess. Frustrated by my inability to completely come to terms with my sexuality, frustrated by my friends' refusal to fully accept me, frustrated by my desire to be intimate with Tim, if not physically then at least emotionally. Isn't that what friends are for? I want to be close to him, but he saves his intimacy for his girlfriend, talks about serious stuff with his other friends, and has pretty much just reduced me to someone to split the rent and play videogames with. Whatever, I don't know. It's not like I can just go out and get a new set of friends.

I don't know why I posted this. Does anyone know what I'm going through, or has anyone felt like this before? Is anyone else here gay or bi? What should I do?

dude it may seem very harsh of him to do that but I think I can see his point he is as far as I get from your story a person that has spent his whole life being told gay people or homo`s are bad .. nasty and sinners ... not only that but the image of that has been confirmed to him by society in wich well gay is a swear word so nuff said ... now he grows up wih that and gets his own morals and ideas about that he himself being straight he meets you one who is atracted to men aswell as the other sex .. now I just think hes scared of your bisexual side not having learned no where how to cope with it the only thing he can do is try to ignore it as much as possible the fact he still hangs with you I gues shows that he is willing to accept it yet has a lot of dificulties with it wich are actualy logical if you take into consideration these things ... everyone is diferent as i am straight yet wouldnt have trouble with gay people (else I wouldnt be here ofcourse) he well has more trouble then the average person it is something I gues you can just accept as he tries to accept your sexual nature or you could confront him about him and talk to him but on that I cant advise you as I dont know enough about his persona to see how he could react to that ... use your own judgement and see what the outcome is .. so all I can do ls wish you well

I think you're probably overthinking the issue. I know that when certain things troubled me, including my own bisexuality, I was always assuming the worst case scenario. After all, it's the easiest way to be safe. However, chances are that things aren't as bad for you as you're making them out to be. Unspoken agreements mean unspoken misunderstandings. Even when you think you really know someone, you still don't until you actually confront the issue. I was way off-base with my own mother when I chose to leave the boy scouts (which I now maintain because it's a bigoted group).
As far as their anti-gay behavior, it may not necessarily be that they actually are repulsed, but are taught to be repulsed. Even I cringe by habit when I see that kind of stuff sometimes, and I share it! :shock: I was brought up to pretty much be anti-gay more by my peers than anything else, and that instilled some pretty bad habits. Anyway, getting back on your situation, that might be the case for them, that they believe it's something they should do instinctively, not that they actually want to.
Also, believe it or not, there are Christian gays. I'm not one of them (I'm Agnostic, recognizing many possibilities but believing in none), but I've heard it time and time again. I haven't thoroughly read through the passage where it mentions this, but I've heard that the only anti-gay section in the book is actually talking about straight men who raped other men the same way that animals do for dominance, and it does not imply that homosexuality is a sin. As long as there is actual attraction involved, it is not a sin. Of course, one big problem I have with such religions is that Christ specifically said that if you have any attraction to anyone you're not married to, that's adultery (which means that you can't be attracted to anyone even when you're not married, or you've violated one of the 10 Commandments), so if people get on me about that stuff, I can always go into the many contradictions in those religions and that the Bible is fallable.
As for what you can do, I think the best thing in regards to your friends and mom is to start talking about it. Not out of the blue, of course, but when something related comes up, you can talk about it in reference to other gays, then maybe slide it into personal. As far as your roommate, that's a more serious thing, but I think you should address it with him specifically. One person can be attracted without it being shared and the two people can still be friends. The important thing is for the object of your affections to know that you won't act on it as long as you know he doesn't feel the same way. He might say something along the lines of "what do you expect me to do?" The purpose of telling him is just to let it out and have it be known, rather than let it tear you up inside. It really does hurt to not express your affection, even if you know it's not shared.

Cool. Thanks for understanding Organous. It's funny because I have some friends who are really open to homosexuality and who I really think would still be friends with me if I told them I was attracted to them (and it wasn't exactly mutual). Unfortunately my roommate isn't exactly like that. He's superconservative and very easily disgusted. I mean, all it takes is the site of two guys holding hands on TV to get him to shudder or turn away from the screen (while saying "ewwwww!" or whatever). We get along great but I can't really get him to loosen up. He won't go out to concerts with me, and he won't go drinking with me. It's not like I'm asking him to get drunk or anything... just one beer! I think it would be a fun thing to do but to him it's unthinkable.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't be able to deal with the fact that I'm into him and wouldn't mind having a closer relationship with him. So while telling him isn't out of the question, I don't consider it to be any kind of productive option.

I would be curious to know what passage refers to straight guys raping other guys just to prove their dominance. I've never heard that before. I don't want to grab onto any old context that might debunk the anti-gay message that most people read into the Bible, but I would want to investigate it and see where it leads.

Do you have a boyfriend? I'm not hitting on you, just wondering what kind of experiences you've had.

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I say if they're not going to accept you for who you are, who needs them?

I don't think your roomate is giving you the time of day because he feels you have a crush on him. It seems strange that he is your best friend, yet he won't even go have a drink with ya. I think you should explain things, that he's one of your best friends, and that it hurts that he won't spend time with you. If it makes him feel more comfortable, tell him he should invite a friend or something. He just might not like the idea of just the two of you going somewhere.

It strikes me that you've already taken the first, most dificult step in telling him about your sexuality. And I will have to comend you on that, I have never been able to tell any of my real life friends about almost anything I do online, and as for sexuality, well I never really found myself looking for anything in particular. I'd best describe myself as Anti-Sexual right now, you try explaining that to someone >_>

Oh, I don't really think he's worried about me having a crush on him. First of all, he's way too naieve to ever pick up on that. Secondly, it's not like I'm asking him to go out and have a drink as some kind of "date" or anything... we regularly go out and get coffee or pancakes or whatever together (or at least we used to, much more than we do now) and it was always cool. There was never any kind of tension there because we were just hainging out, you know? I guess the only reason that I mentioned his refusal to go get a drink (i.e. alcohol) with me is to show that he's a really conservative guy. I mean, we once had a conversation about marriage in which he told me that he would not allow any alcohol at his wedding. I really don't understand his rationale for that (look in the Bible... Jesus saved the day when they ran out of wine at a wedding he was attending!) but it's not an issue I feel obliged to take up with him.

He knows that he can always take a friend with him if we go out, but it's to the point now where he's basically distanced himself from everyone but me (because as his roommate, that's almost impossible) and his girlfriend. So if he was ever to take anyone else out with us, it would be his girlfriend, in which case the outing would suddenly turn into another date between them, and I would simply become the third wheel... again. It's hard having feelings for someone but knowing that they've got tunnel vision for someone else. I've pretty much accepted it though, and I'm trying to move on, though it's hard when you're out of school and unsure of how to meet new people. I certainly don't want to be hanging out in bars or clubs all the time. Not my style, really.

As for my life online, well, I don't tell anyone about that. First of all, most people, gay or straight, liberal or conservative, young or old, don't know what hentai is, and they really can't be expected to grasp how a 24 year-old guy could seriously be into Digimon. I keep all that to myself, knowing that it's not really worth trying to explain it to others, and in effect, I've sort of fallen into living a double lifestyle of sorts. Most of the time I go about my life, which at the moment, is struggling to find a decent job, dealing with my sexuality, and spending time with my friends and family. However, I spend quite a bit of time exploring the depths of my id (take that term anyway you want to) and looking at hentai and other pr0n (though most of it actually isn't that explicit) and reading fanfics. That's my private life, and I don't expect anyone to really understand it. If I were you, I wouldn't stress about revealing the stuff you do online to other people in your life. As for your sexuality though, I wouldn't tell you to keep that bottled up. If you don't feel inclined to tell anyone about it at any given moment, that's fine. But if it's a part of you that you want to let out, maybe you might find that telling people you care about could strengthen your self-esteem and open up communication in your relationships. But hey, I'm no expert and you've always seemed to have it together pretty well (as if we can tell from someone's posts on a message board!), so do whatever you feel you have to do now. Once I figure out what that is, that's what I'm going to do. :roll:

Online life isn't really a subject that most people address. I don't know anyone that talks about where they go online unless it deals with that specific subject. I obviously can't push my lifestyle on to you, but this is how I approach things.
I'm comparable to a book. If you don't open me up and look for the information, you won't get it. If you do look for information, I'll give it. If people don't accept or at least tolerate it, then I don't have to associate myself with them. This has, however, made me a bit anti-social.

hmm...maybe i should tell you people my story, huh?

well, i am gay. when i first went into high school, i thought i was bisexual, leaning more towards girls, but hey what do ya know, i like guys! ^_^ yah, i get the shit everyday, like fag, queer, homo...but personally, doesn't effect me. i've heard it enough, so i really don't listen to people anymore. i have told one of my sisters, my mom, and three of my friends. I am going to tell my CHRISTIAN father as soon as I move out of the house, ya know, so i know i can be by myself and away from the house so i don't have to hear any crap. I'm 17 years old, so only a year and a half and i'm out of my house! anyways, i know i am not the only outspoken gay/bisexual here, but i feel as if you should be proud of your sexuality, don't be afraid to openly admit it, just say loud and say it proud!

Togashi Wrote:I don't think your roomate is giving you the time of day because he feels you have a crush on him. It seems strange that he is your best friend, yet he won't even go have a drink with ya. I think you should explain things, that he's one of your best friends, and that it hurts that he won't spend time with you. If it makes him feel more comfortable, tell him he should invite a friend or something. He just might not like the idea of just the two of you going somewhere.

It strikes me that you've already taken the first, most dificult step in telling him about your sexuality. And I will have to comend you on that, I have never been able to tell any of my real life friends about almost anything I do online, and as for sexuality, well I never really found myself looking for anything in particular. I'd best describe myself as Anti-Sexual right now, you try explaining that to someone >_>

I'm just like Togashi on this one. In the Anti-Sexual part. I'm not looking for anyone or anything, nor do I really care (well, at the moment at least). I don't tell anyone about anything I do.

As for your problem, I'd say discuss it with him. I know what I'm about to say may sound harsh, but hear me out. Sit down with him and talk to him about it. If he still refuses to accept you, dump him like a bad habit. If he doesn't have the mind to accept you for who you are, he doesn't deserve to be your friend. There are plenty of other people in this world who are willing to you as you are.

I also know that if he doesn't accept you and you do lose him as a friend, that it will hurt. I've lost a few of my best friends, and it does hurt. But once you find other friends, he will move right out of your mind (you'll always remember him, you just won't feel the same pain as when it first happens). I'm done with my rant because this topic is about you and not me and I don't like imposing on others.