08-02-2006, 05:45 AM
Nate Hunter.
Let's Play the Game, shall we?
Now, Nate's a well established judge and runner of competitions. That means he has a clear idea of how this should go. So, for this one "Herr Mullen Reveies at Random" only, I'm going to drop my policy of refusing to numericly rate an author. I'm going to critisise and praise Nate through the use of his own rating system.
Have a pen and paper ready, and try to total Nate's Final score as we go along. We'll see who got closest to my total at the end of the round.
Let's begin on the angry train of reveiwing that rattles over the rails of author's thoughts and words, which lie hopelessly as the locomotive rushes over them with all the sencitivity of a cheetah as it mauls an antelope. Let's reveiw.
Right, there's some hint to a recent revalation within the Chosen ranks as to the exposure of Takeru and Hikari's relationship, however it could have been stressed more, maybe with the mention of some reactions. That first sentence fails to cut the mustard entirely. There should a comma between "her" and "now".
""Am I destined always to be lonely?"" That doesn't sound like the way Daisuke would speak. He'd say something like "I'm I gonna be lonely forever?" or "I can't believe no girl wants any of this!" He is quite arrogant, at times.
Veemon's first sentence needs a question mark. Daisuke's sudden perking up needs more exaduration. Like, "Daisuke suddenly sported a grin, from somewhere, and said "Hey! How about we go to the Digital World?"" He's got a lot of quirks. The thing we've got to tackle here is probably understatement. Nate's trying not to outright say it, but allow the reader's to interperate the character's mood with a small, inflatable paddling pool of thought, however it just doesn't work. It leaves the reader feeling slightly empty at the shallowness of the narrative.
"...Still visably depressed partner..." I thought he'd perked up when he'd suggested the Digital World? Did he perk up? Did I get it wrong? Or has he actualy come down again? Either his earlier emotions were not clearly expressed by the author, or he's used the wrong phrase, here.
This bit, ""Well," Yamato said. "I think I'll show up accepting Daisuke's invitation after a harsh fight with Jyou. Thanks for the heads up, too"," is worded really strangely. "I think I'll show up accepting Daisuke's invitation"? That sounds really, really odd. And that "...After a harsh fight with Jyou," pushes us deeper into the debths of confusion.
"Wearing" is repeated too much. Perhaps "donning" might have broken it up, a little?
We have this X-Files style time-space introduction at the begining of these two paragraphs. Okay, so we're now looking at this from Daisuke's veiw of a mission, but then it would probably be best if these introductions were kept in a uniform order.
The social plans Yamato alluded to on the phone come to pass, but I can't help thinking "What are they talking about?" because it wasn't properly stressed. Let that be a lesson to you, budding writers, that plot elements should be shown clearly.
Typo on "anbd". Spell check, and proofread. I suppose some things are still bound to slip through the net, though. Veemon needs either and exclaimation or a question mark when he's asking about dinner, to emphasise either his outrage, or dissapointment.
Getting 'round to the card game, Daisuke seems too direct. This is the trouble I have writing for him, actually: it's hard to write for characters you're the furthest from. Energetic, and with little tendendancy to ponder the bigger picture, Daisuke is as far from Nate Hunter and I than Moscow is from Rio. "Mild nature" wouldn't be seen escaping his mouth.
Why is everyone looking at Jun? Fladramon lost.
"Everyone looked shocked." Sure, obvious to the reader, gets your point across. However, discription through action (or, in this case, reaction) is always a lot more fun. Some one falling off a chair, gagging on their drink, or just laughing. It secures characterisation, and makes the reader feel more among real people, rather than reading about an imaginary group.
Ah, now here Sora's in character. I think she'd be a bit stronger, a tad more compassionate and thoughtful toward Daisuke, rather than desperately considering what this could possibly mean. However, she does take the natural reaction to Daisuke's admittion.
Yamato's covered that up very well, indeed. But, what, does Sora think he's bisexual? If he's with Jyou, then she'd be crying her eyes out about how stupid she'd been, not to read the signs and all that jazz.
The conclusion doesn't seem definate enough to end the chapter, I don't know why, it just doesn't.
Now, we come to the scoring.
Well, plotwise, I have to give at least a seven. It's well thought out, but not entirely well put across in places.
Character, I'm going to give a six. Daisuke's quite a way off, Sora's calmer, and I don't think Yamato, considering that he's faced down Devimon, Etemon, Miyotismon, and The Dark Masters alongside the rest of the Digidestined, would use the term "evil" quite so loosely as when he's talking about Sora.
Nate's perfectly fine of semantics. Just one or two slip ups, so I'll give him a nine.
Lemon isn't applicable. It's "I/A".
Writing-wise, there are no actual poetic or literary devices to highlight anything. I think it's deserving of a four, in that respect.
So, in total, that's thirty two out of fifty. Award yourself a point for matching each catergory, and a point if you got the same total. Esentially, I'm awarding points for thinking like me. That's really rather arrogant of me, now I think of it.
Let's Play the Game, shall we?
Now, Nate's a well established judge and runner of competitions. That means he has a clear idea of how this should go. So, for this one "Herr Mullen Reveies at Random" only, I'm going to drop my policy of refusing to numericly rate an author. I'm going to critisise and praise Nate through the use of his own rating system.
Have a pen and paper ready, and try to total Nate's Final score as we go along. We'll see who got closest to my total at the end of the round.
Let's begin on the angry train of reveiwing that rattles over the rails of author's thoughts and words, which lie hopelessly as the locomotive rushes over them with all the sencitivity of a cheetah as it mauls an antelope. Let's reveiw.
Right, there's some hint to a recent revalation within the Chosen ranks as to the exposure of Takeru and Hikari's relationship, however it could have been stressed more, maybe with the mention of some reactions. That first sentence fails to cut the mustard entirely. There should a comma between "her" and "now".
""Am I destined always to be lonely?"" That doesn't sound like the way Daisuke would speak. He'd say something like "I'm I gonna be lonely forever?" or "I can't believe no girl wants any of this!" He is quite arrogant, at times.
Veemon's first sentence needs a question mark. Daisuke's sudden perking up needs more exaduration. Like, "Daisuke suddenly sported a grin, from somewhere, and said "Hey! How about we go to the Digital World?"" He's got a lot of quirks. The thing we've got to tackle here is probably understatement. Nate's trying not to outright say it, but allow the reader's to interperate the character's mood with a small, inflatable paddling pool of thought, however it just doesn't work. It leaves the reader feeling slightly empty at the shallowness of the narrative.
"...Still visably depressed partner..." I thought he'd perked up when he'd suggested the Digital World? Did he perk up? Did I get it wrong? Or has he actualy come down again? Either his earlier emotions were not clearly expressed by the author, or he's used the wrong phrase, here.
This bit, ""Well," Yamato said. "I think I'll show up accepting Daisuke's invitation after a harsh fight with Jyou. Thanks for the heads up, too"," is worded really strangely. "I think I'll show up accepting Daisuke's invitation"? That sounds really, really odd. And that "...After a harsh fight with Jyou," pushes us deeper into the debths of confusion.
"Wearing" is repeated too much. Perhaps "donning" might have broken it up, a little?
We have this X-Files style time-space introduction at the begining of these two paragraphs. Okay, so we're now looking at this from Daisuke's veiw of a mission, but then it would probably be best if these introductions were kept in a uniform order.
The social plans Yamato alluded to on the phone come to pass, but I can't help thinking "What are they talking about?" because it wasn't properly stressed. Let that be a lesson to you, budding writers, that plot elements should be shown clearly.
Typo on "anbd". Spell check, and proofread. I suppose some things are still bound to slip through the net, though. Veemon needs either and exclaimation or a question mark when he's asking about dinner, to emphasise either his outrage, or dissapointment.
Getting 'round to the card game, Daisuke seems too direct. This is the trouble I have writing for him, actually: it's hard to write for characters you're the furthest from. Energetic, and with little tendendancy to ponder the bigger picture, Daisuke is as far from Nate Hunter and I than Moscow is from Rio. "Mild nature" wouldn't be seen escaping his mouth.
Why is everyone looking at Jun? Fladramon lost.
"Everyone looked shocked." Sure, obvious to the reader, gets your point across. However, discription through action (or, in this case, reaction) is always a lot more fun. Some one falling off a chair, gagging on their drink, or just laughing. It secures characterisation, and makes the reader feel more among real people, rather than reading about an imaginary group.
Ah, now here Sora's in character. I think she'd be a bit stronger, a tad more compassionate and thoughtful toward Daisuke, rather than desperately considering what this could possibly mean. However, she does take the natural reaction to Daisuke's admittion.
Yamato's covered that up very well, indeed. But, what, does Sora think he's bisexual? If he's with Jyou, then she'd be crying her eyes out about how stupid she'd been, not to read the signs and all that jazz.
The conclusion doesn't seem definate enough to end the chapter, I don't know why, it just doesn't.
Now, we come to the scoring.
Well, plotwise, I have to give at least a seven. It's well thought out, but not entirely well put across in places.
Character, I'm going to give a six. Daisuke's quite a way off, Sora's calmer, and I don't think Yamato, considering that he's faced down Devimon, Etemon, Miyotismon, and The Dark Masters alongside the rest of the Digidestined, would use the term "evil" quite so loosely as when he's talking about Sora.
Nate's perfectly fine of semantics. Just one or two slip ups, so I'll give him a nine.
Lemon isn't applicable. It's "I/A".
Writing-wise, there are no actual poetic or literary devices to highlight anything. I think it's deserving of a four, in that respect.
So, in total, that's thirty two out of fifty. Award yourself a point for matching each catergory, and a point if you got the same total. Esentially, I'm awarding points for thinking like me. That's really rather arrogant of me, now I think of it.