06-02-2006, 03:42 PM
It's been awhile since my last actual joke post, I just couldn't find any that made me laugh, but here are the ones I found during my recent search:
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT CASE:
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.
weeks later The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign
that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain
myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'. . . I just
lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
This is why America rules:
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious new state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The engineer says, "I wish it was filled with water."
Jokes to offend anyone, use at own risk:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
And of course the blond jokes:
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT CASE:
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.
weeks later The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign
that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain
myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'. . . I just
lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
This is why America rules:
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious new state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The engineer says, "I wish it was filled with water."
Jokes to offend anyone, use at own risk:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
And of course the blond jokes:
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
