05-22-2006, 01:33 AM
Individually, your sentences are nicely constructed, very pleasing. You do a great job working with the deeper aspects of Trigun.
Now, here's the bad news. Your transitions need some work. Your story lacks coherency. It also lacks a plot, though that does seem to be its intention.
Now, here's the bad news. Your transitions need some work. Your story lacks coherency. It also lacks a plot, though that does seem to be its intention.
![[Image: AppealtoReason.jpg]](http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g100/baw01002/Album%20Covers/AppealtoReason.jpg)
"I looked up and saw you;
I know that you saw me.
We froze but for a moment
In empathy."-Rise Against