Ehh... I have to say it, a sneak to my new lemon! yay!
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Ehh... I have to say it, a sneak to my new lemon! yay!
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04-22-2006, 05:58 PM
Only read a bit of it, I'm afraid time was limited, but my only major grevance was comma usage. "I've got a better question; can I have food now?" would be grammmaticly correct. I also wonder about the begining; why are you starting off as if we don't know who these characters are? It's a style thing, admittedly, but it isn't that good. Demiveemon and Davis are very much in character, well done on that.
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| Messages In This Thread |
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Ehh... I have to say it, a sneak to my new lemon! yay! - by DragonMasterX - 04-22-2006, 03:52 PM
[No subject] - by Herr Mullen - 04-22-2006, 05:58 PM
[No subject] - by DragonMasterX - 04-22-2006, 06:19 PM
[No subject] - by rorancrystalwolf - 04-23-2006, 03:08 AM
[No subject] - by DragonMasterX - 04-23-2006, 03:19 AM
[No subject] - by Herr Mullen - 04-23-2006, 03:36 AM
[No subject] - by DragonMasterX - 04-23-2006, 07:16 AM
[No subject] - by Yoosei - 04-23-2006, 09:47 AM
[No subject] - by DragonMasterX - 04-23-2006, 12:47 PM
[No subject] - by DrunkenMunkee - 04-25-2006, 02:41 AM
[No subject] - by DragonMasterX - 04-25-2006, 03:16 AM
[No subject] - by blueeyedgabulvo0o - 04-25-2006, 04:26 AM
[No subject] - by DragonMasterX - 04-25-2006, 07:57 AM
[No subject] - by Phenix - 05-01-2006, 03:46 AM
[No subject] - by DragonMasterX - 05-01-2006, 04:07 AM
[No subject] - by Phenix - 05-01-2006, 04:10 AM
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