03-14-2006, 03:24 PM
Two things before the jokes: 1. Sorry for the long absence I caught bronchitus (SP?) and was in bed for a while. 2. Alot of the jokes take a couple of read throughs to get.
Now the jokes:
Q: If a spouse is one mate, what are two or more mates?
A: Spice.
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A man and his wife are planning on going to a costume party, on the day of the party the wife gets ill and decides not to go so the husband goes alone. later that night, the wife feels better and decides to go. When she arrives at the party she sees her husband in his costume flirting with a bunch of girls. Angered she talks a friend into swapping costumes and starts hitting on him hoping he won't recgonize her. After awhile of chatting and flirting they go to a spare bedroom and make out. Shortly before midnight, when the masks are removed, the wife sneaks out. She returns to her home and gets into bed. A short while later her husband comes into the house and into the room. She looks at him inoccently and asks, "So did you have fun at the party?"
"Actually," He said sitting on the edge of the bed, "I decided not to go without you. But the man I lent my costume to said he had a blast."
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Jack loved watching the races on the TV at the bar, but he wasn't the brightest guy on earth: Betting with one patron, he lost twenty dollars on a race and then lost another twenty on the instant replay.
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After years of gambling, Maxie finally figured out how to win a small fortune in Las Vegas: He went with a large one.
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The dean and the coach struck a simple deal: Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then.
The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident theat he'd come through with flying colors.
On the morning of the game the dean came down to the locker where the tackle was suiting up.
"Well?" said the dean. "What is the formula for water?"
Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O."
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The wide receiver was walking down the street, mulling over what he had done right and wrong in the team scrimmage, whe he heard fire engines in the distance. Looking down the street, he saw that they were racing toward a burning building. He noticed flames in the top floor and a woman on the ledge; in her arms was an infant.
Running over, he shouted, "Lady, throw me the kid!"
"NO!" she screamed, "it's five stories down!"
"Don't worry, I'm a professional football player. I promise I'll catch it!"
Reluctantly the woman tightened the baby's blanket, leaned over, and released the child. The wide receiver watched it carefull, moving to the left and right as the winds nudged the baby this way or that. He was movving, constantly moving, dancing on the tips of his toes; his arms were extended, bent slightly at the elbows to give slightly with the impact, fingers wiggling in anticipation.
Fourth floor, third floor, second...the baby spun end over end, then caught a sudden thermal draft and swung several yards out toward the street. Jumping in that direction, the wide receiver lunged and stretched his fingers, barely catching the child. He bobbled it for a second, carried across the street by his own momentum, nearly dropping it; then he pulled it in and hugged it to his chest just as he crossed the curb on the other side of the street.
Retaining his footing, he let out a cheer and spiked the baby.
Wide recievers rock.
Now the jokes:
Q: If a spouse is one mate, what are two or more mates?
A: Spice.
-------
A man and his wife are planning on going to a costume party, on the day of the party the wife gets ill and decides not to go so the husband goes alone. later that night, the wife feels better and decides to go. When she arrives at the party she sees her husband in his costume flirting with a bunch of girls. Angered she talks a friend into swapping costumes and starts hitting on him hoping he won't recgonize her. After awhile of chatting and flirting they go to a spare bedroom and make out. Shortly before midnight, when the masks are removed, the wife sneaks out. She returns to her home and gets into bed. A short while later her husband comes into the house and into the room. She looks at him inoccently and asks, "So did you have fun at the party?"
"Actually," He said sitting on the edge of the bed, "I decided not to go without you. But the man I lent my costume to said he had a blast."
--------
Jack loved watching the races on the TV at the bar, but he wasn't the brightest guy on earth: Betting with one patron, he lost twenty dollars on a race and then lost another twenty on the instant replay.
--------
After years of gambling, Maxie finally figured out how to win a small fortune in Las Vegas: He went with a large one.
--------
The dean and the coach struck a simple deal: Despite his abysmal grades, the all-star tackle could play in the big game if and only if he could learn and remember the formula for water before then.
The coach and the chemistry teacher both worked with the gridiron star and were confident theat he'd come through with flying colors.
On the morning of the game the dean came down to the locker where the tackle was suiting up.
"Well?" said the dean. "What is the formula for water?"
Grinning broadly, and drawing confidence from the presence of his proud coach, the player said, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O."
--------
The wide receiver was walking down the street, mulling over what he had done right and wrong in the team scrimmage, whe he heard fire engines in the distance. Looking down the street, he saw that they were racing toward a burning building. He noticed flames in the top floor and a woman on the ledge; in her arms was an infant.
Running over, he shouted, "Lady, throw me the kid!"
"NO!" she screamed, "it's five stories down!"
"Don't worry, I'm a professional football player. I promise I'll catch it!"
Reluctantly the woman tightened the baby's blanket, leaned over, and released the child. The wide receiver watched it carefull, moving to the left and right as the winds nudged the baby this way or that. He was movving, constantly moving, dancing on the tips of his toes; his arms were extended, bent slightly at the elbows to give slightly with the impact, fingers wiggling in anticipation.
Fourth floor, third floor, second...the baby spun end over end, then caught a sudden thermal draft and swung several yards out toward the street. Jumping in that direction, the wide receiver lunged and stretched his fingers, barely catching the child. He bobbled it for a second, carried across the street by his own momentum, nearly dropping it; then he pulled it in and hugged it to his chest just as he crossed the curb on the other side of the street.
Retaining his footing, he let out a cheer and spiked the baby.
Wide recievers rock.
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
