03-10-2006, 04:34 AM
Forgot to post some yesterday, sorry, here are some:
Lenny walked into his favorite bar one night, and, much to the bartender's surprise, he saw that Lenny's head had shrunk to roughly the size of a softball. For the first few rounds the bartender pretended not to notice, but at last his curiosity got the best of him.
"Say," he said, "I hate to ask, but isn't your head just a bit smaller than it was last night?"
Lenny nodded glumly, and the bartender asked what had happened. "It's like this," Lenny said, "I was walking along when all of a sudden a bottle washed up on shore. As I picked it up, it happened to brush my sleeve; all of a sudden there's a cloud of smoke and out steps a genie. I tell ya, she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. So when she says she'll grant me one wish, the first thing I ask is to go to bed with her. 'I'm sorry,' she says, 'but it's against the genie law to do that.' So I said, 'Well then, how abuot a little head...'"
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Jim was doing the crossword puzzle on the train to work. As it happened, so was the commuter beside him as well as two nuns sitting behind them. After a while the man leaned over to Jim.
"I see you're doing the puzzle. Did you happen to get thirty-two across?"
"You mean the four-letter word meaning 'intercourse' and ending in a 'K'?
"Yeah, that's the one."
"Sure," said Jim. "The answer is 'Talk'."
Behind him, one of the nuns said, "Excuse me, Sister Mary, but would you pass the eraser?"
Later in the ride, the man asked his wiser neighbor, "What's forty-two down, the four-letter word ending in u-n-t that means 'woman'?"
Jim replied, "Aunt."
Once again, the nun asked for an eraser.
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five! and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
--------
teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I! am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
Sorry about missing yesterday. I'll post more tommorrow.
Lenny walked into his favorite bar one night, and, much to the bartender's surprise, he saw that Lenny's head had shrunk to roughly the size of a softball. For the first few rounds the bartender pretended not to notice, but at last his curiosity got the best of him.
"Say," he said, "I hate to ask, but isn't your head just a bit smaller than it was last night?"
Lenny nodded glumly, and the bartender asked what had happened. "It's like this," Lenny said, "I was walking along when all of a sudden a bottle washed up on shore. As I picked it up, it happened to brush my sleeve; all of a sudden there's a cloud of smoke and out steps a genie. I tell ya, she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. So when she says she'll grant me one wish, the first thing I ask is to go to bed with her. 'I'm sorry,' she says, 'but it's against the genie law to do that.' So I said, 'Well then, how abuot a little head...'"
---------
Jim was doing the crossword puzzle on the train to work. As it happened, so was the commuter beside him as well as two nuns sitting behind them. After a while the man leaned over to Jim.
"I see you're doing the puzzle. Did you happen to get thirty-two across?"
"You mean the four-letter word meaning 'intercourse' and ending in a 'K'?
"Yeah, that's the one."
"Sure," said Jim. "The answer is 'Talk'."
Behind him, one of the nuns said, "Excuse me, Sister Mary, but would you pass the eraser?"
Later in the ride, the man asked his wiser neighbor, "What's forty-two down, the four-letter word ending in u-n-t that means 'woman'?"
Jim replied, "Aunt."
Once again, the nun asked for an eraser.
--------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five! and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
--------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
--------
teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I! am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
Sorry about missing yesterday. I'll post more tommorrow.
"Stand tall and shake the heavens!" - Xenogears.
