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A grand perception of things would be a great view of detail on my part. The thing is I never really see the point of most things people call “enjoyment.” Right now I think I am almost to the point of losing it. No. Scratch that, I am at the brink of becoming angry for no reason again. You see a lot of this emotion has to come from my family. How nothing seems right anymore. But the thing is, everything is right. Its just the people in general make it hard to withstand anyone day by day. You guys know I already lost my interests and or hope for my family. Because of the consistent lying and stupid actions on they’re part. Oh the drama. Oh the terror! Feh. The real issue is this. I try to enjoy a full day. When I do I feel accomplished at the end of this set day. Now I feel like a mixture of hate and death defying motivation that lacks the proper motives and emotions to handle. So I hide my anger. I shadow it with a blanket I like to call “Doubts.” There would be no benefit if I released my anger on someone else. There would not be any happiness either. But to think summer break is coming up. With all this going on now, it makes you think how I am going to handle them in the summer. Oh well I guess. Got to do what I got to do.

Another thing. Yesterday I finally talked to Joel. Not much to say really, I’ve been giving him constructive criticism for a while now for his videos and on what to do to make it better. He kept saying how he felt guilty and crap. No. I told him no more friendship. No more sap crap. Because I quit being friends with him because he didn’t like me or even enjoy talking to me. So the point of being friends with him was pointless. There is very little things now that actually make me mad about the stupid things in the world. Why? Well a lot of it comes from how much stupidity I go through daily. I feel like Steven. We just don’t like people and well. We hate the individuals we don’t like for the reasons we have. We all have our own reasons; I just have a little more hate for them than the average human being. Like I say, “Never feel empathy for those who feel none for others.” But what do you do? Idk. Seems pretty bad day by day this point.

You know what else is hard? Finding someone to love. Yes good old Ryan is out in the open looking for those darn fish in the sea. It’s a lot harder to find someone to match with me. Its because I am pretty odd in short. First of all I rarely talk, and when I do talk I scare people with the thoughts in my head. So I clear my head of thoughts when I talk to someone. Another problem with me is that I can talk too much. Meaning if you wanted a someone conversation with me I wouldn’t let you get a word out. But I quit doing this also. I also have a tendency to be nervous around people. So being able to stay with communication standards is hard. Here are a couple others. I am a nerd, a gamer, A graphic designer, and a musician. Honestly who would want me? The only thing they would like me for is my personality. I am not that bad of a human being. I just don’t like others. But even people don’t like others also. I dunno. Finding someone is a lot harder than is looks. Oi. Well guys that’s whats going on with me.

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Tyring to enjoy life. But it seems to get harder by the day. Life I guess.

I'm sorry, all i heard was 'blah blah blah, i'm a dirty tramp'.





Kidding, kidding, it's from a movie. Things will seem better soon, don't worry so muchhh~

Why not look at your own values?
For starters, do you really want love, according to your values, or is that just a little voice in the back of your mind telling you that you do?
Next, everyone has their own emotional capacities, and cannot fake anything (realistically) above that emotional capacity, so if you're hiding it with doubt, then you're doubting something.
Finally, get out of your house as soon as possible. A person's emotional capacities and values and all this other stuff comes from your environment. If your environment (home and parents) is as negative as you let on to believe, then you need to start sleeping over at someone's house a lot more and leave home as soon as an opportunity arises. (college)
Also, try to make communications with parents minimal, so out of state may be best for you.

(05-08-2010, 09:54 PM)AetherRose Wrote: [ -> ]Why not look at your own values?
For starters, do you really want love, according to your values, or is that just a little voice in the back of your mind telling you that you do?
Next, everyone has their own emotional capacities, and cannot fake anything (realistically) above that emotional capacity, so if you're hiding it with doubt, then you're doubting something.
Finally, get out of your house as soon as possible. A person's emotional capacities and values and all this other stuff comes from your environment. If your environment (home and parents) is as negative as you let on to believe, then you need to start sleeping over at someone's house a lot more and leave home as soon as an opportunity arises. (college)
Also, try to make communications with parents minimal, so out of state may be best for you.

Nah really?

It's a lot easier said than done to get out of this environment. I wanted to leave to hang with my friend this weekend because its his last week before he graduates but I got this.

"No we need you for the weekend." Fuck that then why did you like your fucking 21 year old son leave the fucking house while your 18 year old son has to do his fucking rotation and chores while he gets to drink up a storm? Like hell if I am going to drink. I am going to hang with my friend before he leaves. but nooooooooo lets make a piss pore mothering and show no true example.

yes its mostly my environment issues. But with no money or a car or a house its hard as shit to get a job or even leave. I am not allowed to get a fucking job while in school. I should honestly quit being a goody fucking too shoes.

And the relationship stuff. Kinda quit trying anymore. No point.

EDIT: They can't restrict you from acquiring a job, legally.
You could always report them, because the way you're saying it, they're breaking several laws.

(05-09-2010, 07:07 AM)AetherRose Wrote: [ -> ]EDIT: They can't restrict you from acquiring a job, legally.
You could always report them, because the way you're saying it, they're breaking several laws.

Trust me. I am aware of what they are doing. Giving time though. Let me leave them out of trouble for the bit of time I have here. I am thinking of a bunch of jobs I am going to take. And well a lot of them require military training. So. At the moment idk I might be shaded by my dark thoughts. But for some odd reason I don't care enough for my country to fight for it. I would be fighting for the wrong reasons. Thus being looked down upon for it. But I shall do something for it later.

Yeah. Right now I am relaxed due to this gensin tea. Gonji berry. Smells..... Very good. Not delicious good. But as if a female good. mmm. Good snuff.

Lick a pussy, maybe you'll feel better.

(05-09-2010, 09:27 AM)AetherRose Wrote: [ -> ]Lick a pussy, maybe you'll feel better.

Ha. lick a pussy or suck a phallus. Either which it would most likely cheer me up.

I'm confused.. what's going on? Maybe it's because I'm a misanthropic loner that would much rather feed off of the failed relationships of others rather than have a relationship of my own, but I just don't see where you're coming from with friendships and relationships. It seems you either have unreasonably high standards when it comes to this sort of thing, or you're looking at it on a philosophical level that I can't comprehend.

I'm being totally serious when I say you should see a psychiatrist. I'm not suggesting that you're crazy or anything, but these types of thoughts say to me that you're in need of a professional. Again, not saying you're a nutjob, I just think a psychiatrist would understand where you're coming from and be able to help you figure this stuff out.

I'm not trying to be a super-serious dickhead, so if I came across as one, I apologize.

Asesino seems to be thinking clearly, although I doubt Ryan can afford a psychiatrist.


All i can say is that you're gonna have to bear with it Ryan like the rest of us...Relish the times that are fun and endure those that are shitty. That's the way to live in the melancholy city.