I'm so depressed.I don't know what to do anymore. It all feels so worthless, my talents and abilities, my intelligence and my so called "beauty".I'm so tired of everything, of love and I dont know if I can be a whole person again. I just want to die. My life feels so meaningless.Everytime I think I'm getting better I get worse and I don't know what to do.I feel so empty inside and like nothing I do matters.I'm tired of crying and hurting on the inside all of the time.I just want to give up, I'm so tired and I don't want to cry anymore. I am the Dreamer Girl with the broken heart, the one who can never be fixed. i should just die. theres no point anymore.my heart, is too battered and my soul is weary. My writings dont matter anymore.My poetry is all the same and my stories are nothing. I can't decide what to do anymore and I'm just a tired person with no hope anymore.Only Lonely Gabu was the one keeping me alive a week and a half ago and he was the reason I was living, i was gonna committ suicide and i was having a panic attack about 4 days ago.He calmed me down but im still.... alone inside. I just wanna die.
Why are you upset? What is causing your panic attacks?
What makes you feel better?
Well, it's sorta complicated.I broke up with my ex in March after two years because I felt alone and like he couldn't help me and that he wasn't really being all that supportive and well, I suffered from that and then I dated another guy for about a month and was starting to love him and then he cheated on me so, more stress and grief and it was around this time I had to start taking medication for stomach cramps, which can be caused by stress, and I was getting some blood tests to see if I was anemic and so then I had a fight with my best friend. The other ex, not the two year one was still trying to get back with me and was following me around in school and he scared the crap out of me last time cause i thought he was gonna hit me.Then I visited New Jersey two weeks ago because thats where I used to live and i have friends and family there and then, I realized I still loved my ex and he told me he loved me and at this time he was with my best friend, still is, and he kissed me and hugged me and we acted like a couple.I thought we were gonna get back together and then he said that he couldnt kiss me and we couldnt be together cause of his Gf and that he realized he loved her and couldn't. I had a panic attack about 4 days ago because I finally told him over Yahoo Instant Messenger how i really felt and everything I had been holding in for months.It was intense and much and well I had a panic attack because I loved him and I wanted to be with him and we couldnt and Lonely Gabu and him were both trying to calm me down.With time they did.And so, my ex and I are friends but we fight alot and I dont know. I feel depressed because Im not sure if I can love someone like I loved him.I just cant be happy.Ive had 3 boyfriends and1 girlfriend and the relationships didnt last long.The first bf lasted a month, the second, 2 weeks and the gf, 2 weeks. I'm alone inside and I just wanted to cut myself while I was in New Jersey and slice my wrists and let myself bleed just to show my ex all the pain he was putting me through and what hes done to me. But, that was around the time I met Lonely Gabu and hes been like my bro since, we're convinced we're soul kin. He read me like a book and I felt like I've known him for a long time and I'm comfortable with him. What makes me happy? I dont know, you can try to guess or try to see what does.Im sorry for rambling on like that. Yeah, I told you I'm pathetic and weak.
It looks like Loneygabu makes you happy.
My dear, if we all slit our writsts over love and stress, the world would be an emptier place deprived of many, many things. It sounds to me like you just need someone in your locality to lean on.
What's your mother like?
Oh she's cool its just i dont tell her how i feel because i dont want her to know.I dont want her to be worried.Everybody loves her because she's a down to earth open minded beautiful intellectual sensual type of person and so much more. Lol. Hey Herr?Do you have YIM? Myspace? If you do lemme know so i can add you.But thank you and I know thats true.I'm trying and with all of the friends like Lonely Gabu and Chaos Wulf I'll be okay with time.lol.thanks though.
Your mother sounds like a wonderful person. I think she'd be worried if she knew her daughter were thiking about killing herself, now, wouldn't she? You should talk to her: from what you've said, she'll be able to understand you perfectly. You won't feel so along if you know she's able to support you.
I don't have an Instant Messenger, but feel free to PM me at any time.
By the way... this belongs in Rants.
I jest, I jest.
yeah i suppose so. thanks really, i cant say it enough.
ah this ain't good at all, well lets talk in yim.
Stop and Live.....Cry to breathe, decisions within the whole many paths that we have in life...I will be there for as long as I can....I love you and as friend you can walk across the same path together....Friends could do a lot but it has to be in every breathe we live and every tear we heal, the pain is apart of the journey and narrowed tight rope act. We can fall, and I could fly with these wings that I borrowed from heaven, grab you and guide your side, side by side in spirit. I really care about you like all my other friends...They know who they are, I am that guy......that dude that would do it all for my friends. I may not deserve it, but I am happy for them living. I ve found so many friends here that I want to help out in anyway I can. Just live and undestand that when life is at its hardest, your friends are at there finest....
I love you all, just undestand that we have all suffered I am one of those people, I cry, I feel alone and I carry my body make into living and its because of those that love me, to those things they taught me, to thats why I live....You live for those moments you live for the soul inside, you live for your friends, you live to live and its hard, but you will always have someone there in spirit, in thought, in memories, or right beside you.....I am your friend, I am many peoples friends, I feel alone, but I ll aid in anyway I can.....Smile and walk, you have a friend that is willing to go the distance....
yours and all my friends that this is devoted to... I love you all.......
Dreamer, this is yours trully and to all those, your LonelyGabu.....
Oh Lonely Gabu, that almost made me cry.That means so much to me,such a person as yourself does not deserve to suffer so much and I thank you for all your wise words and all your efforts to keep me alive and breathing. You mean so much to me and I don't know what'd I'd do without you and if I'd still be here.You are the one who helps to keep me alive and fighting and every time I hurt a little more you give me a little bit more.You truly are a brother to me and I can't ever seeing that changing.Thank you and I love you and you know that.You always have my love and my heart as well as my friendship.Thank you my soul brother. I love you.
~Dreamer~